This is part of my 31 Day Five Minute Free Writes challenge within a challenge. I will be linking up with 31 Day Challenge at The Nester's as well as at Heading Home. For a list of all my letters you can go here.Dear Richard:
I have had a taste of mourning before. Nothing like this. I lost a baby and mourned her. But I hadn't held her in my arms or heard her voice. I lost my dad at such a young age that mourning his loss was so different than yours. I only had him for 7 years and you were with me for over 36. That was just a tiny taste of what loving and losing was like.
It was tough when I lost my mom. I used to cry everyday. Usually in the shower. That seems to be my favorite place to cry. No one can hear and the tears are washed down the drain. It took a long time to realize that mom was gone. I often thought, "I need to remember to tell mom," only to remember she was no longer here. And when I lost my best friend, Nanne, it was like part of my world was ripped away. I mourned her for months. For years. I still mourn the loss.
But it was all just a taste...I miss you more everyday. And everyday my heart breaks. Grief is like nothing I have ever tasted...
Love,
Paula
Dear Paula - what a great way of describing the sadness of 'taste' ... and the way you've described your feelings. Loss is so terrible ... but is part of life ... yet our major losses really do 'hit home' and continue to rise up and swallow us ... I can't imagine the way you feel - as I've never been there ... but I have lost - so with thoughts - Hilary
ReplyDeleteThank you Hilary! Yes, it affects you in every way.
DeleteI am coming to learn through reading your journal and your openness of your grief in losing your love, your spouse, that the grief of losing a spouse far outweighs any other griefs we might experience in our lives (except I would have to say a beloved child you got to raise). Its gotten me to think I would rather go first so to speak rather than be the one left behind. I know hubby's dad wanted to have it that way in that he went first, he could not bear to think/see/imagine life without his wife. Yet she went first, and I truly believe a month later he died of a broken heart.
ReplyDeletebetty
There are many documented cases of this happening. I do agree....they die of a broken heart
DeleteYour posts have been really heart wrenching. I can feel your pain. I hope the writing is helping, and I expect it is.
ReplyDeleteIt IS helping me Fancy...
DeleteI am so glad that you have this creative outlet for your grief. What a great idea you had using this 31 days to write letters to Richard.
ReplyDeleteThank you Wendy...it has turned out to be a satisfying journey
DeleteI too am glad you can write about your grief. My heart is breaking for you as I read this that you have to live through until you get to the other side. That shore is so far away right now, but it is there. It will not be the same, but it will be something good. Thank you also for your support of our situation here. It means a lot to me.
ReplyDeleteIt does seem that shore is far away. I hope that your situation is going to start improving really soon. You are in my thoughts!
DeleteThis is a great analogy, Paula. Heartbreaking, but something I think everyone can identify with at one level or another.
ReplyDeleteThank you Myra.....
DeleteThese letters to Richard are so moving, so real. I love that you chose this as your theme...it's brilliant. And you will have them forever as a reminder of your love story and your journey. I love your honesty and the way I feel like you are talking to him. It breaks my heart, but they are beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI do feel as if I am talking to him. And sometimes I do talk. If people walked up and stood on my front stoop they would find it amazing that I am here alone. And maybe find me a bit crazy!
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