This has not been a good day! Richard is resting comfortably, so it is not about him. It is about me. It's okay to once in awhile have a down time that is about me, isn't it. Well, indirectly, it is about him. My son stayed over again last night so that I could have two nights in my own bed. I went to sleep to "Army Wives" and woke to a nightmare. In my dream, Richard was lying on a slab. With the tag on his toe. And that familiar V-shape from the autopsy. I jumped out of bed, crashed into the bed rail and raced into the living room. There he was, sleeping peacefully in his bed. Justin was in the recliner watching TV. I sat with him and cried a bit as he comforted his mother from a STUPID nightmare. See how we revert to our childhoods? Now son comforts mother. I kissed Richard and told him "I love you" He opened his eyes and smiled. I headed back to bed.
But not back to sleep. Did not want to bring that dream back. So I watched another episode of "Army Wives." Didn't want to get up this morning. But when I did it was to a text message from my Hospice nurse. We had it all set up to start with a home health aid coming to bathe him and give me a break. She was to come today. Well guess what. Now she wants to come on Thursdays. I don't understand all these time and day changes that take place with Hospice. I am one of those "on time" to a fault people. If I say I am going to be somewhere, I will be there if it kills me. This is why I quit with the aid before. Geeze is it really that hard to put people's names on a day and keep on schedule? I'm afraid I lost it with my Hospice nurse. The nurse that we love. She comes every Wednesday, sometime between 3 and 4. Without fail. Why can't these damn aids do the same thing?? It is beyond me. Now I am starting off with a bad feeling about a new aid and I haven't even met her yet.
I am exhausted. It is not easy for me to ask for help. And EVERY TIME I do something like this happens. What the hell kind of lesson is God trying to teach me? I have had enough. I don't want anymore lessons. I just want help. I am wondering if It is time for a new Hospice. I hate to give up my nurse but the rest of her organization needs a major over haul.
Darian and I bathed Papa. I am so blessed to have these kids. I turned off my phone and I slept all afternoon. Now I have a yummy breakfast casserole in the oven for supper.
God grant me a better Tuesday. Please.