Saturday, July 5, 2014

I haven't Lost Hope

My word for 2014 is Hope. I haven't written a post about hope for awhile. I haven't forgotten about it. I have just changed 'how' I think about it. Hope! When I started out this year I wanted to hope that things were going to get better here at my house. Better, as in, my husband would suddenly no longer be sick. He would be up walking again. He would be talking loudly and clearly just like he used to. He would be driving and working in the yard. He would be dressing himself. Feeding himself. And sleeping quietly next to me in bed. And I would be gently poking him in the side to get him to roll over and stop snoring. Those were my hopes. As crazy as it might sound, I really, really wanted to believe that if I hoped long enough and hard enough that God would grant me my wishes. But that is not going to happen. And I can't give up hope.
I see Richard fading and slipping away each and every day. It seems to last forever. It seems that it will never end. I have to remind myself, often, that we are on God's time. Not my time. 

We are promised, in the Bible, that we will have problems and troubles in life. We, who are believers, are promised this. We are not, however to lose hope. And I have NOT lost hope. I have changed what I am hoping for. I know that Richard cannot stay here on this earth with me forever. None of us will. That is not how the world was made. We will have our time here and then we will go. My hope is for him to go quietly, peacefully, and free of pain. My hope is that he knows that we are near him. My hope is that he knows that he is loved and cared for. My hope is that all of us can tell him good-bye. My hope is to see him again someday. I still have Hope.
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22 comments:

  1. lyndagraceJuly 6, 2014 at 6:36 AM

    You write so beautifully and poignantly about Hope. The hardest thing about saying a final good-bye is the fear that it may be good-bye forever. But, as I am slowly understanding, after losing my son, that his essence, being, and our connection stays with me always.

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    1. PaulaJuly 6, 2014 at 9:59 AM

      lyndagrace....I have begun to read some of your story about your son. I cannot imagine a loss like that. I am glad that he left a little piece of himself in your grandson. Hope, there is always hope!

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  2. Retired KnitterJuly 6, 2014 at 6:38 AM

    My hope is peace for you.

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    1. PaulaJuly 6, 2014 at 10:00 AM

      Thank you Elaine. That is what I hope for too...peace for me and peace for Richard

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  3. A Day in the Life on the FarmJuly 6, 2014 at 8:53 AM

    When Pops died (and I know that losing a parent cannot compare to losing a spouse) but I believed that God gave Pops those few rough days so that I was ready to let him go. Before those rough days I prayed for him to stick around so we could still enjoy the good moments but once he started having pain and anxiety I prayed for him to die. May God's love and peace surround you and yours during this very difficult time.

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    1. PaulaJuly 6, 2014 at 10:00 AM

      I have started to tell Richard that it is okay for him to go. That I will be okay! I hope............

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  4. Fancy RanciJuly 6, 2014 at 10:24 AM

    You are so right Paula, everything happens in God's time, not ours. I am glad that you have such a strong faith in God to help you through this very difficult time. You are a very strong woman. I do believe Richard knows you are near and caring for him. My hope for you is that this will be made known to you and bring you comfort and peace.

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    1. PaulaJuly 6, 2014 at 9:29 PM

      I don't really know that I have such a strong faith in God, Fancy. This is certainly testing me. I feel that Richard does know how much we care for him. He is a bit more awake today

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  5. bettyJuly 6, 2014 at 12:28 PM

    I too pray that Richard will have a peaceful death in God's timing. So true all our days were ordained to us before one of them even came about, our times are in God's hands. So thankful we do have hope in Jesus. Hugs to you Paula.

    betty

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  6. UnknownJuly 6, 2014 at 8:37 PM

    What a powerful post. I read somewhere that HOPE could be an enemy or a friend for caregivers. An enemy if we chose to "hope" for things that weren't possible. But a friend when we focused our hopes on making things the best they can be. Sounds like you are there. God bless you during this awful time. I have no doubt that Richard knows you are and will be right there with him for as long as God intends. Praying for you and your family.

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    1. PaulaJuly 6, 2014 at 9:30 PM

      Thanks Lisa. It is hard not to hope for things to be better. I guess better is whatever happens and brings us peace. It still sucks big time

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  7. AnonymousJuly 6, 2014 at 9:07 PM

    What a dismal existence it would be without the God of Hope and Courage. The courage in your walk shines through the posts you share with your on-line family Paula. Know that I am praying for you and the family and for God's continued strength and so m uch more of that beautiful Hope.

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    1. PaulaJuly 6, 2014 at 9:31 PM

      Thank you so much. I know for sure that I couldn't walk this walk without my on-line family

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  8. Grammy StaffyJuly 7, 2014 at 12:06 AM

    What a beautiful post that is full of hope. God does not always grant us what we pray for and hope for but He is always there to support and comfort us. I'm glad that you have not lost hope. My prayers are with you. Thanks for stopping by my blog today. I always enjoy hearing from you. Hugs, Lura

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    1. PaulaJuly 7, 2014 at 5:45 PM

      Thanks Grammy! I haven't lost hope. Not yet anyway

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  9. Mevely317July 7, 2014 at 11:38 AM

    Beautifully expressed, Paula. Sometimes it's so difficult to buy into, "Thy will be done.", no matter how many times I recite His prayer. I'm praying today for His mercy... and, of course, that sort of peace that surpasses all understanding.

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    1. PaulaJuly 7, 2014 at 5:44 PM

      I know Myra! There are days when I am so pissed off at God that I am sure he doesn't want to do a thing to help me with anything.

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  10. UnknownJuly 7, 2014 at 12:52 PM

    Our lives are in a constant state of flux. We must be open to change. I love how you've come to look at your hope in a different light, not given up on hope! I also hope for peace for you and your husband. I hope that the pain subsides. I hope that you can revel in love. So glad to see you still hoping...

    Jamie Dement (LadyJai)
    Caring for My Veteran
    Be Positive in Life and Writing

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    1. PaulaJuly 7, 2014 at 5:44 PM

      That is what is hardest for me LadyJai....being open to change!!

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  11. shirley dietzAugust 5, 2014 at 10:40 AM

    Beautiful and true.

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    1. PaulaAugust 5, 2014 at 11:27 AM

      Yes it is. But right now HOPE seems like a lost cause. I hope that I can learn to hope again

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