Our night last night was NOT good. He woke me up every hour calling my name. He wasn't comfortable. His catheter wasn't draining. He needed a drink. Just something. We talked a bit. He doesn't want to die! He told me that. I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital to see if they could make him more comfortable He gave me a re-sounding NO! He wants to be home. He wants me to take care of him. It is hard. And it is heartbreaking. But him and I, together, have overcome a lot of obstacles. And we will soon get on the right page in this final chapter of his life. And we'll be there together. Come hell or high water.
One of the things that I have learned about life and about myself as I am going through this with Richard: is that the small things in life REALLY don't matter. I used to be a fanatic about a clean house. That doesn't matter! I used to spend my days working and making more money. That doesn't matter. I used to never leave the house without my hair and make-up perfect. And now, who cares? Certainly not me. Having a dying husband sure puts life in the proper perspective. When he naps in the daytime, I nap. When he is up and awake I am with him. I tried housecleaning while he watched TV but he wants to be able to see me so that limits where I clean. Mostly he sits in his recliner and I sit at my desk. He can see me here. That's what he likes. So that is what I like.
After our bad day yesterday and our very long night last night, today he seems to be moving through mud. Very slow! Needs more help. Not quite tracking. A bit whiny! And needy! And so am I......
My heart goes out to you, it really does. Being a carer sure is both emotionally and physically draining. I helped look after my mum near the end and know a little of where you're coming from, but I am from a big family and respite came in a rota. But you are spot on - it sure puts what really matters into perspective.
ReplyDeleteYes it is hard. It is hard no matter how many are helping. But the perspective it has given me is invaluable
DeleteOh Paula, how I wish I could be there just to hold your hand and help you through this. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying Wendy! I'm trying!
DeleteI know I told you before, but both my Grandmother and my Father, for whom I was the "caregiver" (nothing like what you are doing), wanted to be home when they were in their final chapters. I couldn't do this for either of them. Looking back I regret that. It is wonderful for your husband that you can keep him at home. You use your best judgement about the medication, when to give him more to keep him comfortable, even if you will lose him into the fog a bit. He has willingly given his care over to you. I know you will know when the time is right to make him more comfortable with additional meds. I hope you are making good use of your Hospice nurse too. I am thinking about you and saying prayers for you! I am sorry for your pain and struggle.
ReplyDeleteThank you Fancy. I am not using Hospice nearly the way that should. But that is our personal preference. I know that I will keep him comfortable. That is my goal
DeleteSo true Paula by recognizing what is important, especially at this stage of your life, to put aside cleaning, etc., to spend time with your husband. I do worry about you, knowing how difficult it can be, and wanting to make sure you are taking care of yourself as best as you can.
ReplyDeletebetty
I am Betty. The best that I can. I went tonight and got a haircut. That helps!
DeleteMaybe we could have a caregiver OOTD...we could give each other points for slobber and food stains and snot and how many days we've gotten out of our favorite black yoga pants! I spent yesterday outside...my last day of freedom (mom came home this morning) at my son's baseball games - I was hell on a stick with a wild ponytail of sorts. No way was anyone going to see that! I've been praying for you and Richard. Especially for better days and nights.
ReplyDeleteThank you Lisa!
DeleteYour love for him is astounding. The love you both share is absolutely beautiful. Sharing your life really helps put things in perspective for me. As painful as it might be for you to share and go through, my heart is touched by your words.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I do love him very much!!
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