Fucking Sucks

Today was not a good day at this house. I can't put my finger on exactly why it wasn't a good day. I just know that it was not. I am looking at my husband lying in a drug-induced state in his hospital bed in the living room and wondering if this is how it ends up for all of us. Who calls this a good life. Do we get to make these decisions for ourselves. Or in the end are others making the decisions for us. He is starting to complain of pain. All the time. And everywhere. It is hard to make him comfortable. He is taking more morphine which I supplement with Xanax when the morphine doesn't seem to be making him comfortable. I can no longer tell if he is uncomfortable or would just rather not be here. With morphine and Xanax you can be in 'another world'. We have moved him from the bed to the chair to the bed to the chair....all trying to make him comfortable. I wish I could take some morphine and Xanax and go into another world. Does that make sense? Probably does for those who have ever tried to take care of a loved one in their home who is suffering in some way. 

I am glad that we talked about all of these things years ago before we reached this stage. I know that he does not want to go back to the hospital. I know that he does not want to be kept alive by machines. I know that he doesn't want any more blood transfusions. I know he doesn't want to have pain. And I know that he doesn't want to die. And it is the knowing that he doesn't want to die that is giving me so much stress lately. What do you say to a person who is obviously in the last chapters of their life and they tell you they aren't ready to die. It makes me NOT want to give as much morphine as he is needing to keep him pain free. Morphine can cause one's breathing  to cease. Our Hospice nurse was here today and we discussed this. We are going to start MS Contin twice a day. That is a long-acting oral form of morphine. Then we can use the morphine drops for break through pain. Crap, that all sounds so technical. And there isn't a damn thing technical about any of this. It is emotional! It is exhausting. It is draining. It is NOT like having my mom die in a nursing home. I could not have taken care of her and she was constantly asking when the Lord was going to take her home. It is NOT like when my mother-in-law died after we moved her into assisted living and she fell and broke her hip. She died following surgery and she told us she was ready. 

What it is is long drawn out dying. And now he is suffering. Before, when he wasn't having pain, I could deal with it. But I am NOT dealing with this. I don't understand why it is that God allows people to hang on like this. Yet, I don't want God to take him away from me yet. Can you see how torn I am. This sucks! In fact it fucking sucks!! There I said it and I am not in the least bit ashamed. And I hope that God is listening to me right now. Cause I am mad. Mad as hell. Why does he now have to have so much pain? What is that supposed to teach any of us? Why? Why? Why?

(P.S. I didn't do the photo challenge today. And I don't know that I will do it tomorrow or any other day. Right now I am just going to post this and go pound my pillow and sip on a Tom Collins and see what sleep will bring to me)

(P. S. S.....if there is such a thing! There, now I feel better for ranting and raving)