Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Touch, Tearful, and Terrified

Here is My A To Z Challenge. An adventure. My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease.
We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!
(Please read below this post for One Word Wednesday a link-up at My Sweet Peanut)

Most of us know the power of touch.
The kindness that it shows.
A touch of the shoulder, a touch on the head
The power of love can glow.
I've always been a 'toucher'
You know the kind.
I'll hug you in a heartbeat.
Might even tap you on the behind.
I often touch my loved one.
He likes it that way.
I'll sit with him, in our matching chairs
Even when we have nothing to say.

And more and more often
I am tearful.
It could be that I am sad.
More likely I am fearful.
And sometimes I am just mad.
It's easy to cry. I let the tears flow.
As long as no one can see.
It's often in the shower; just my tears and me.

I'll admit it to you.
I am terrified.
Of what lies ahead for me.
You see we've been together for so long.
It's hard to know where I end and he begins
And to be without him will be hard.
I am terrified of what it will be like
When I awake and he is not there.
I don't like to think of what I'll do
When his need for me is through.
I'm terrifed.
But I'll go on. I have no choice here.
For there will still be kids who'll need me
Our grief we will endear.
And someday the sunshine we will again see.
It will touch us in our sadness.
And being terrified will leave.


  1. Paula,
    I found you through A-Z. I have read a lot of the history in your blog since I found you. I am so glad you are able to write about your journey. I hope it brings you some comfort. I am so sorry about your husband's illness. I know it must be incredibly difficult. Keeping you both in my prayers, as well as the grandchildren.

    1. I am glad you found me. Welcome to my blog...

  2. I think tears are very therapeutic; I think its a good outlet for you to cry.


  3. This was so touching. I like how you are writing and sharing your journey. It's not one that I'm familiar with but getting glimpses through your words. You have captured a lot of emotion. I have only been married for almost 3 years and I already can't figure out what life would be if he were gone. I know that as time passes our love will deepen and deepen. But I can't worry about that future right now. I have to think about today and my messy kitchen! :)

    1. I can remember those days when my messy kitchen was all that I had to think about....enjoy it! If that is possible. We never know what tomorrow will bring our way.

  4. I know about shedding tears in private. I have done that more than once. I try to keep them to myself but sometimes they just spill out like when mom was in the hospital last month and my daughter was there and I was telling her about how badly I thought things were going ... and ... out of no where it just all spilled out and my daughter was trying to hug me and a nurse (who wasn't there initially) was patting my back and it was just all out of control. Oh yes, I know about tears.

    And I just hate them!

    1. Usually my tears are an outlet for what I am holding inside. What others don't need to see. My grandchildren already think they are a 'burden' If I cried in front of them they wouldn't see it for what it is. Just a way to release the emotions.

  5. I think this A to Z series has been very good for you. Thank you for sharing with us.

    1. Thank you so much Wendy. Writing about it does help. Wonder what I will do when April is over. Ha! Ha!

  6. Learn something new everyday while visiting blogs during the #atozchallenge. Wouldn't miss it! Except now I have a song running through my mind that I can't quite name. "Starry, starry night….."

  7. It is heartbreaking to read your tribute to the love you and your husband share. I get a strong sense that this journey the two of you are taking right now is making you so much stronger than you realize. What I love most about your posts is that there is not a drop of self-pity to be found anywhere. Just courage. I will continue to read whatever you write after the Challenge is over. I have become very fond of you already. Hugs ~ Inger

    1. It could be that it is making me stronger. I don't have any other choice. I have had to learn to do so much more than take care of him....all the things he used to do for me. Thank you for such kind words, Inger.

  8. Each day your posts touch me more. I'm sending you hugs and best wishes.

  9. I, too, find tears to be helpful. Sometimes I just need to cry. Nothing specific has happened, it's just time. And then I feel better. Love to you!

    1. Thank you Mare....and love to you as well.

  10. I wish I had magic words to make you feel better; but truly there aren't any. I feel for what you're going through and know it will be not be easy. You do have support here and there on the net as well as though you know face to face. You are such a strong women...I can feel it in all your words I read. ((HUGS)),,,I'm a huggy person too.
    Sandy at Traveling Suitcase


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