Monday, April 7, 2014

Great, Grouchy, and Grief #2

Here it is: My A To Z Challenge. An adventure. My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease.
We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!

Today he wakes up smiling.
That will make it great.
I love the days that he is happy.
The days where it is easy.
To get him up and help him.
And he wants me to know
He loves me.
Of that I have no doubts.

But when he wakes up grouchy.
That will do us no good.
He will whine and be needy
And stay in such a bad mood.
And when he is grouchy.
Then I will be grouchy too.
And when we both are grouchy.
Let the world beware.

But it is the grief that worries me.
It catches me by surprise.
I didn't know that it would come so soon.
Grieving before he even dies.
I grieve for the man I lost.
The one he used to be.
I grieve for the life we have.
And the one we used to have.
The grief is what hurts.
All the way to the bone.
It's raw.
And unexpected.
And causes me to moan. 
We have so much to grieve for.
We have so much to lose.

But we'll always have each other.
Even after he is gone.
I just pray that I don't go first.
That would not be so great.
How would they carry on?


  1. Not sure how they would carry on, but I'm sure they would find a way to carry on, even though it may be under difficult circumstances. Or perhaps if you go first, he would follow very soon after you, having lost the great love of his life and realizing what he is missing. Hubby's mom died first at 85 years old, a month to the date hubby's dad died at the age of 88; he wanted to be the one that went first and never wanted to have to deal with her death. I think he couldn't carry on without her, but after being married for 64 years, I'm sure it was difficult.

    I'm sure there's no rhyme or reason to the mood your husband might wake up with; that would be somewhat okay if you could predict grouchy versus great, but even then I'm sure it is still hard.


    1. We just learn to deal with all the moods. What else can we do?

  2. Grief doesn't last forever. Good times will return for sure :)

    1. I am not sure that is true. I think that grief can last forever but we just learn how to cope with it. Thanks for your visit

  3. Hi Paula - such an emotive poem on great, grouchy and grief ..I can hear you ... the grief I feel for you. Whatever happens all will carry on because it does and there's no point in worrying ... but the grief that hits you .. so difficult ... and moving on to H for happy acceptance that another day is here ... you really are expressing these thoughts so well .. when happiness shines out of their eyes it does make life easier ...

    With many thoughts - Hilary

  4. I think grieving is a normal part of care taking. It is so hard seeing the people we love, who were once so strong and vibrant, suffering. Allow yourself to grieve, you deserve that small little luxury.

    1. I am sure that it is normal. I am just so surprised at the enormity of it. And how it is always there. What will it be like once he leaves us! I don't want to even imagine

  5. I am so sorry for your husband's illness and your struggle. I think you are very brave writing about it, which I hope provides you with an outlet and therefore some comfort. I understand grieving while the person is still alive. I used to do that with my mom (she was anorexic, sick all the time, and I knew even while she was alive that she would die young.) Do not judge yourself for grieving. Let it happen. You need it. You are in my thoughts.

    Best regards,

    PS: Visiting from the A to Z sign up list

    1. Glad to have you visit Elizabeth. And for your kind words.

  6. Dear Paula,
    Your poem is beautiful . Each day you touch my heart. You express your situation and feelings so well. I'm sending you hugs and best wishes

  7. Another beautiful poem, hoping today is one of the great days.

  8. I grieve for Peggy already, and she's not even sick. It's just that our remaining time is but a decade or two, and we've been in this house longer than that, and the time we've been in this house hardly seems like a moment. Somedays, I wake up grouchy too, especially when the day is gray and the pain is bad.

  9. The last two stanzas. So beautiful Paula.

  10. It is so difficult taking the role as carer. I remember nursing my Mum and Dad, they both had cancer and died within six months of each other. You're writing just touched a nerve. Thank you. So nice to follow and connect with an a to z challenger, and I look forward to more posts.

    1. Thanks for stopping by. Sorry about your parents. Caregiving is hard

  11. This reminds me of one of my favorite songs, "Turn, Turn, Turn" (Ecclesiastes).
    Nevertheless, it's got to be crazy hard not being able to anticipate changes, and constantly feel you're in 'react' mode.
    I look forward to tomorrow's post .... perhaps there's a 'Happy' embedded there?

    1. I have not heard that song Myra. I am off to Itunes to listen. Yep, stick around there is a little happy in tomorrows post

  12. Grief. It is what I feel now and every time mom takes another step down. I have had little grief episodes for 8 years each time she has experienced another loss. And the losses continue even when I think there is nothing left to lose.

    In some ways it has changed my thinking about life in general. We come into this life with nothing and if we live a long life we can lose everything we gained during life ... Before we leave it ... Everything but the love of our family.

    Another great and thoughtful post.


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