Here It is: My A To Z Challenge. An adventure! My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease. We also have two teenage grandchildren who reside with us.
We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!
He can be so funny.
He doesn't always mean to be.
But underneath the surface.
His humor is still there.
It is laughing that gets me through
The days that are so long.
When I think about what's happened.
I can tend to smile.
When he's being funny.
We all brighten up.
For to us it means that he is okay.
And we can laugh for another day.
The feelings that we always share.
Are what gets me through.
The darkness that lies just underneath
The surface of my life.
I know the feelings are bubbling
To overflow soon.
I have to wonder which will come
The sadness, the anger, the laughter, or the blues.
One of them is always there.
Waiting for it's turn.
To share with me the reasons.
This journey is so hard.
It makes me furious.
What good does that do.
Who am I furious with, you ask?
Hell, I don't know.
I can't be furious with him.
He didn't ask for this.
It followed him here.
In his genes. He got it from his dad.
But furious is the feeling of the day
And there is nothing funny about that.
My heart aches for you. You express yourself so well that I can feel your pain. I don't blame you for being furious but thank goodness there is some funny mixed in also. Hugs, Lura
ReplyDeleteYep if we didn't have some good and funny days this would be much harder to go through!
DeleteMy husbands grandfather passed away from Parkinsons. At the time we lived close by and I would clean their home for them. It was hard to see him degenerate, and we often wondered why. The answer came when we learned the difference he had made in people's lives, the nurses and other professionals who cared for him near the end. A couple of them turned their lives around after seeing his example of love and kindness. They and we would not have learned the lessons we needed from his life if not for his suffering.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. I wish you peace during this difficult time, but I do hope you know there is a reason for all things. It may be difficult to see now, but in time all will become clear. *hugs*
I don't know that seeing him suffer will ever be okay to me. But I am aware there is a reason for everything. And sometimes things just happen because....
DeleteOh so sorry to hear this could be a furious day, but I am glad there are times when your husband makes you laugh, I'm sure you treasure them.
ReplyDeletebetty
Nope today is not a furious day. But it could always turn into one :)
DeleteI hope today brings you lots of laughs and no need for fury.
ReplyDeleteNo fury today Wendy! We have had a good day
DeleteI love the fact that you can be furious. I think it does help. I get angry (actually, I get pissed off) all the time and I'm okay with the fact that there is no one to blame. Just keep writing - you express yourself so beautifully. And keep embracing the funny. L
ReplyDeleteI always feel better when my 'caregiver friends' admit they are furious and angry and sometimes let their loved ones know it....makes me feel much less alone. thanks Lisa
DeleteIt's just not fair when we don't get the life we planned Paula.
ReplyDeleteI guess all we can do is do the best we can with the life we've got.
I'm so sorry he's so sick.
I know it affects you and your dreams for your family profoundly.
And that makes you feel every emotion in the book.
And that my friend is OK..
Thank you Jen. Because that is what I do. Feel lots of different feelings lots of the time.
DeleteWere it not for humor, what would any of us do? I think it's neat that Richard still makes an effort to diffuse the situation by being funny - tho' I'm guessing there are times you chuckle through your tears ... or gritted teeth, even.
ReplyDeleteWonderfully written!
Yes, gritted teeth usually. The tears I try to hide from him. He gets so upset if he sees that I am upset. There are days though when I am especially frustrated that I just can't help it. Then he feels really bad
DeleteYou sound amazingly strong. I've been reading your posts and noticing how well you balance out your feelings in each one. For each bad thing, it seems that you look for the positive light. That's impressive. It has to be difficult dealing with the disease on a daily basis and seeing what it is doing to your husband, to your marriage. I'm very impressed by your resilience. Elle @ Erratic Project Junkie
ReplyDeleteTHank you for your kind words. I don't know if I am as strong as all that. When I first decided that I was going to writing about being a caregiver I thought of it as "the good, the bad, and the ugly" so that is kind of how I chose my words. There are good parts to our days It is not always bad. And it is alway far worse for the caregiver than the one who is suffering the disease. That is the feeling I am trying to get across.
DeleteHi Paula .. after your G .. I needed to come back to Funny-Feelings and Furious .. I used to laugh so much with my mother and uncle and it made everything so much easier .. I did get furious and upset but that wasn't with them - and once I'd accepted that for some reason this was happening to me ... and positive would come out -it made it easier to accept. Yet - my situation was easier in many ways - that I definitely acknowledge ... your strength of love and character shines through ... with appreciation - Hilary
ReplyDeleteWe do laugh. A lot more than what it sounds like here. But, hey, it's the Alphabet I have to follow
DeleteThere are so many shades to this care giver path. You are capturing them all.
ReplyDeleteThank you Elaine. I know you have been there!
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