Zany, zonked, and Zapped

Here it is: My A To Z Challenge. An adventure. My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease.

We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!

The A to Z Challenge has come to an end.

It has been a zany, crazy blend.

Of things I do everyday to care for the man.

Who lives in my house.

Who still holds my hand.

He's zany and crazy most of the time.

I'm zapped of my strength.

I can no longer rhyme.

This challenge is over.

I hope it was fun.

I hope you learned something

About caring for 'one'.

For now I am zonked.

I will need to take a break.

But please come back and visit often

For Goodness sake.

Yearning, Yucky, Yawning

Here it is: My A To Z Challenge. An adventure. My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease.

We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!

Today Harley Graduates from the 8th Grade! On to high school next year with her brother! Congratulations Harley!!

We are nearing the end of these April Days

And as usual I am filled with yearning.

I yearn to be done.

I yearn to go on.

I yearn for a lifting of the haze.

I like all the blogging

In this little space that I'm hogging

A place I hang out every day.,

But I'm ready to move on 

My yearning will change.

It is time to sing the Happy song.

But I'm hoping you all will stay.

Some of my blogging has been about things

We care-givers have to do.

The good things,

The bad things,

The things that are yucky.

I've shared with you quite a few.

But of all of these tasks I hope that you've seen

I care for this man; I haven't meant to be mean.

He's the love of my life.

I've been a good wife.

There will be no regrets left behind.

For today our journey continues

Of that much I'm sure

And we'll journey along, with a love so pure.

But I am still tired.

I probably always will be. 

Excuse me for yawning. Pardon me please.

My back is still aching.

He still makes me laugh.

Some days he's not at all funny.

Especially if I am chasing a giraffe.

Right now I am yearning for summer to start

For him not to feel yucky

And not to lose heart. 

X-illerating, X'd out, X-asperating

Here is My A To Z Challenge. An adventure. My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease.

We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!

The X posts are the hardest to write.
So I'll make up words if you please.
Being married to this person I'm caring for
Is x-illerating, to say the least.
We didn't know when we said "I do".
There was coming a time in our life
When problems like these would bring us
So much stress and strife.
We've lived an x-illerating story.
And I have been happy to tell it.
We are nearing the end, I know.
Of the A to Z Challenge
As well as the life of my beau.

X'd out is not a word that I made up.
It's used often by many that I know.
I even found it in a dictionary.
So for me it will not be just for show.
X'd out means "something that used to be
Important
but is no longer significant."
Much like our lives are, don't you see.
We are important as long as we are breathing
And then when we die we cease to be.

And is that just x-asperating?
Or is it only me?
I want my life to always be x-illerating.
Not X'd out, as they say.
But not everything that I want.
Will turn out that way.
And I am glad that writing about X's
Is done for another day.

Wacky, Whiny, and Worn-Out

Here is My A To Z Challenge. An adventure. My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease.

We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!

If you have ever lived with dementia.
You'll know exactly what I mean.
Some days everything is funny.
And other days you just want to leave.
Sometimes I can laugh out-loud.
When he is crazy as a loon.
Other times when he's repeating things over and over
I want to take a trip to the moon.
He's wacky as wacky can be.
Especially as night draws near
We call it 'sun-downers syndrome'
It's good that I am not standing
With him at the end of a pier. 

Worse are the days when he is whiny.
Those are the days that I hate.
The days that I wish I could leave
And be done with it all finally.
He's needy and whiny and crazy.
I can't sit around and be lazy.
As soon as I sit there's another need.
His demands are wearing me out.
Get me this, get me that, where is it at?
Where did you go? Sit me up. Lay me down.
And on he goes, round and round.

Wacky and whiny are wearing me out.
But there's no one here to hear me shout.
They tell me "he doesn't mean it."
"Give him what he wants."
"His days on earth are numbered."
It all makes me want to disappear and pout.
No one cares that I am exhausted.
As long as his needs are met.
For to others who aren't here for 24 hours.
Have no idea how hard it can get.
I'm worn out and I know it.
But I need to take care of wacky and whiny
And then I'll go out for a bit.
But I'll be back again soon.
It's a make-believe trip to the moon!

(I know that all of this sounds depressing and whiny to those who are reading my A to Z posts but in reality for the most part our life is not all that bad. Yes, I am tired. Yes, he can be demanding. But would I have it any other way.....well, maybe! No, of course I wouldn't. I just have to come up with words that work for A to Z. So I am NOT a strong WONDER WOMAN in any way...I am just doing my job as his wife)

Vital, Vacant, Vulnerable, and Vows

Here is My A To Z Challenge. An adventure. My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease.

We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!

I have always thought the word vital
Meant a lot to me.
If you looked it up in Webster.
A picture of my husband you would see.
He was such a vital man.
He wanted to do it all.
He served on many committees.
And chaired some of those each fall.
He even took a job after retirement.
Just to have something to do.
And planned the best of trips for us
To travel the world through.
Then he began to lose his vitality
To a disease he didn't want.
It first started with the tremors
But he remained so nonchalant.
He denied there was a problem.
When we left the neurologist's office.
Even when the muscles started to stiffen.
He refused to give in.
And then he had a stroke!

The stroke took us all by surprise.
And left a vacant look in his eyes.
Twelve long hospitalized days.
Some, a machine breathed for him.
But then he fought and he came back.
I brought him home. But it's never been the same.
It's like we now are playing a different game.
And slowly, oh so slowly, he lost most function.
He fought like mad and never gave up
But we finally hit the 'no return' junction.

He feels vulnerable, and so do I.
Where this journey will take us
Who knows?
His eyes are no longer vacant. Of most things
he is aware.
He doesn't know the day of week.
And usually never the year.
He can't remember that he read the paper
So most days he reads it again.
But I'll take this over the alternative
Of having him gone.
That will happen soon enough. 
Then vulnerability...bring it on!

Today I have to add another word.
It too will start with a "v".
The meaning is in no way blurred.
If you are a spouse, you'll see.
Those words we said on our wedding day.
The vows we took to please.
Most of us simply had no idea
We just needed to agree.
Be sure you really mean it,
When you promise to be true
In both good times and bad.
We had no idea! It can be really sad.
Be sure you know about sickness and health.
Richer or poorer, as you may have no wealth.
Until death do you part
Can take a long time
But the wedding bells continue to chime.
Did you take your vows and mean them?
Or were they just something you said
While he slipped on the gem?
Today is a good day to think about vows
Before you have to learn what it allows. 

Unshaven, Unique, and Ugly

Here is My A To Z Challenge. An adventure. My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease.

We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!

This unshaven man with whom I live.
Has a heart as big as our world. 
He loves me so much. He tells me often.
I am not sure I am as worthy as all that.
I had to learn to use that razor.
It's not as easy as it looks.
I tell him to please make all those faces.
So I can get into the many crooks.
A haggard face has shriveled wrinkles and grooves
Where white stiff hairs can hide.
I don't shave him daily.
But we get it done when needed.
That is just how we ride.

He is such a unique man, I know.
His kindness is known to all.
He made some personality changes.
But we still love him so.
Things he used to like, now he doesn't.
His family has learned to roll
With the punches.
Sometimes he's happy and sometimes he's sad.
But he is always unique.
It's just that now with the Parkinson's 
His joints just creak and creak.
I cannot force him to straighten an arm or a leg.
Or lift his head up high.
It's frustrating when I am trying to dress him.
By the seat of our pants we fly.

There is so much ugliness that accompanies a disease.
More than the public ever sees.
Often we keep those parts to ourselves.
And paste on a smile for the strangers out there.
I love his uniqueness. We all have our own.
Mine has merged with his. He's not all alone.
When I talk I say "we" and "us" when I mean
"he" or "I"
It's just that we've become blended.
Me and this guy.
Even unshaven I never see him as ugly.
Even when his words are sharp or mean.
He's just my husband. The one I care for.
And that's  good enough for me

Touch, Tearful, and Terrified

Here is My A To Z Challenge. An adventure. My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease.

We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!
(Please read below this post for One Word Wednesday a link-up at My Sweet Peanut)

Most of us know the power of touch.
The kindness that it shows.
A touch of the shoulder, a touch on the head
The power of love can glow.
I've always been a 'toucher'
You know the kind.
I'll hug you in a heartbeat.
Might even tap you on the behind.
I often touch my loved one.
He likes it that way.
I'll sit with him, in our matching chairs
Even when we have nothing to say.

And more and more often
I am tearful.
It could be that I am sad.
More likely I am fearful.
And sometimes I am just mad.
It's easy to cry. I let the tears flow.
As long as no one can see.
It's often in the shower; just my tears and me.

I'll admit it to you.
I am terrified.
Of what lies ahead for me.
You see we've been together for so long.
It's hard to know where I end and he begins
And to be without him will be hard.
I am terrified of what it will be like
When I awake and he is not there.
I don't like to think of what I'll do
When his need for me is through.
I'm terrifed.
But I'll go on. I have no choice here.
For there will still be kids who'll need me
Our grief we will endear.
And someday the sunshine we will again see.
It will touch us in our sadness.
And being terrified will leave.

One Word Wednesday

The end is drawing near...the end of the A to Z Challenge that is. But I will always stop on Wednesday to do One Word Wednesday with my new blogging friend Lisa at My Sweet Peanut. She has a link up for caregivers or just people who care to write to a prompt that she provides for us. And this week the prompt is

Always

What does it mean to me when I hear the word always? As a caregiver, it means a lot. It means that I am always on duty. That I am always ready to care for or take care of. It means that there is never a day off. It means that my mind is always racing. I am always trying to figure out how to make him more comfortable. I am always trying to figure out how to make him cough less, sleep more, eat more, be happier. Always. I am on...always. 

And then I have get to try and figure out how I can be a mother to two teenagers who need something always. I am a taxi driver, banker, cook, laundry lady, calendar reminder, clock setter,homework helper, the person who listens and teaches and helps and holds and cries with them. Their need are as great as their Papa's. And I am there for them....always.

I guess what it is that I am really saying here is that I am Always a caregiver. I am a registered nurse by profession, a wife, a mother and a grandmother. And I am always caring for someone. I will always care for someone. And I will always care. I will always love. That is what I do.

Now all of you who read this go pay my friend Lisa a visit and show her that you love her...always!

Saints, Sadness, and Sorrow

Here is My A To Z Challenge. An adventure. My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease.

We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!

As I continue on this little trip.
I've found a saint or two.
Some know who they are 
And others might guess
But there are really more than a few.
Some of the saints I have never met.
They come to read my blog.
They offer me words of encouragement.
Which pulls me out of my fog.
The saints can come in many forms.
They can be family or friends.
I am thankful for all of these saints.
And will be to the very end.

My life, at times, seems to be filled with sadness.
It seems too soon, some say.
I shouldn't feel so much sadness.
For he hasn't yet gone away.
Yes, that is right! He is still right here.
But not the man he used to be.
And I can't help that I yearn for that.
For the days that used to be.

It fills my heart with sorrow.
You have no idea.
More heartache, I try not to borrow.
But if you haven't been in this place
Where I find more darkness than light.
You haven't the right to judge me
The sadness I feel is alright.
I know the saints will hold my hand
And keep me standing up.
While sadness and sorrow overflow my cup. 

And now I take this moment to thank everyone who has offered me a kind word, a hug (even the virtual ones),advice, the nod of a head, a few hours of company, a hand with lifting and caring for him. Thanks to all the saints who have crossed my path in this journey.

Easter Day Pictures

Darian

Harley, Darian, Paige

Paige

Paige

Harley and Paige

Harley and Darian

Harley

Darian, Harley, Paige at Dillon Nature Center

Harley and Paige

Good Boy....jumped over the mud puddle

Roller Coaster, Rudeness and Rage

Here is My A To Z Challenge. An adventure. My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease.

We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!

I have often used the term roller coaster
To describe this journey we are on.
We climb the highest hills so slowly
And then we come racing down.
We take the curves together.
And hold on for dear life. 
And then we rest a moment at the bottom
And I anguish with the strife.
Then he starts to get better
And we start back up the track.
We'll idle there for just a bit.
Before we race around and back.

I've learned that it is okay to be rude.
When you are needing something done.
Especially when others don't get it.
The don't understand what's going on.
But there are other times when I am rude
Just because I'm tired.
That is not an excuse for certain.
I am just telling the truth.
Heck there are even those days when he
Has been rude to me or others.
Those are the times that are hardest
Even though I know he doesn't mean them
Those words sting the most.

Have you ever felt the rage building?
And wondered where it will go.
Or who it is you are so mad at?
I feel that my heart is scalding.
That I am teetering on a ledge.
How easy it would be to just let go.
And fall, and fall, and fall.
But that would set everyone on edge.
So I let the rage build.
The I'll rant and rave.
And then let it go.
I have energy to save.
For another day.
The day when the roller coaster is idling
I feel the rudeness coming
Along with the rage.

Menu Plan Monday

Menu Plan for April 21-April 27

Going to do another really easy week.

Monday

Chili Mac Skillet

Tuesday

Fish and Chips

Wednesday

Kids church

PGEO

Thursday

Hamburgers and fixins

Potato chips

Baked Beans

Friday

Ham and Egg Quiche

Saturday

Chicken Cordon Blue

Mashed potatoes and gravy

Cheesy Broccoli

Lettuce Salad

Sunday

Green Bean Soup

Happy Easter 2014

Quiet, Quirky and Quarrels

  Here is My A To Z Challenge. An adventure. My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease.

We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!

I long for quiet days.
I long for longer nights.
Why is it that the days seem to drag.
While the nights just fly by?
Anyone who is a caregiver knows this is true.
Too much to do and it goes on and on.
We long for the times when they are sleeping
And the quiet falls over our homes.
But instead of us falling down exhausted
To catch a snooze or two.
We end up surfing the net or cleaning up.
It is just what we caregivers do.

I have noticed that he has become quirky.
He hasn't always been.
He has developed new habits and ways
I don't know where to begin.
He used to keep his thoughts to himself.
Now he doesn't mind sharing them.
We say he no longer has a filter.
I try to warn people in advance.
But he says whatever he's thinking.
And sometimes it isn't so nice.
I have learned to roll with the punches.
He's still the same to me.
But there have been times that I have seen
Others shudder and then look 'funny' at me.

My husband was never one to argue.
He didn't like to quarrel.
If anything he went out of his way.
To avoid any kind of fight.
But since his stroke.
And his personality change.
There are days that's all he does.
It seems I can never do anything right.
If I call it to his attention.
He tells me that isn't what he meant.
And that alone will set him off.
To quarrel with me again.
I long for him to get quiet.
In his quirky way.
But I also like how he quarrels
He's a bit feisty, I'd say.

Peace, Piss and Poop

Here is My A To Z Challenge. An adventure. My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease.

We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!

I spend each day searching for peace.
I wonder if it will ever come.
I'd like to live quietly.
But I don't want to be alone.
Peace is a good thing. 
Peace for the world.
Peace for everyone.
It's really not possible, that much I know.
Because it's what life is all about.
Wishing for peace.

Mostly I live with piss and poop.
Not very nice words, I know.
But it is my reality.
A part we are willing to show. 
I know a man who wrote a blog
He called it waste management.
I thought that was appropriate.
But I am not really that kind.
To me it is piss.
Or pee, if you wish.
And his is very, very orange.
The medication he takes causes this.
But at least it gathers into a bag.
If I had to deal with incontinence
I would really turn into a hag.
Piss and poop are just part of our life.
Nothing to moan about.
Unless of course there is a problem.
Then we will have to sort it all out.
I'm thankful he's the regular kind.
We haven't had much to deal with here.
And occasional spasm or a UTI.
Are just a part of the game.
Putting this all together,it fits
Piss and Poop if done right
Will bring Peace!
And you may laugh, if you wish

Oligated, Odors, and Obsessive

Here is My A To Z Challenge. An adventure. My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease.

We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!

I feel obligated.
I'd be a liar if I didn't say that.
I take care of him everyday.
Out of obligation.
I said that vow when we married.
You know the one.
In sickness and in health.
For better or for worse.
For richer or poorer.
Until death do us part.
I said those words without thinking.
Like so many of us do.
No one ever thinks it will get like this.
Then we are surprised.
Like we had no clue.
But obligation is real life.
Part of being a wife.

Odors are part of it too.
Good odors and bad odors of everyday things.
Odors that please and displease.
I've learned ways from being a nurse.
To battle those that seem like a curse.
We often don't think about the odors
Of the ones we love.
I will miss his smell when he is gone.
I will cling to his pillow, long after it's done.

He has become so obsessive.
Or was he like this before?
Maybe I never noticed.
I had lots of other things to do.
He folds and re-folds anything close by.
I silently watch as the Kleenex becomes a pile.
Or the napkins by his plate reach nearly a mile.
He likes things just right.
Lined up next to his chair.
And we shouldn't move it.
Not even a hair.
Yes, I am obligated to care.
For his obsessiveness and the odors
And I try not to despair.

Nice, Needy, and Neglectful

Here is My A To Z Challenge. An adventure. My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease.

We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!

I am nice and he is needy.
And many things are neglected.
I could leave it at that.
But it wouldn't be true.
So I'll have to work it out.
He is too nice and at times I am too.
The feelings I protect are his.
But if others get in my way I will become
like a snake and hiss.
It's hard to be nice when things need done.
His needs are many.
And many more will come.
He can't get up alone.
He cannot walk.
He cannot bend either arm.
He needs help with water.
And help with food.
And all of his dressing, I need to do.
Many trips to the bathroom.
Pushing, and pulling, and standing and sitting
Are things I do all day long.
Sometimes it is funny and other times sad
And sometimes I do it wrong.
He likes to tell me when I mess up.
God Bless him for that.

Many others areas are neglected.
Like family and friends.
The inside of the house; the outside too.
I don't clean bedrooms or under the bed.
If he can't see me he gets worried
So I clean where he's at.
The laundry piles up. The kids will help.
When they are home. I have errands to run.
But I have to hurry or he won't be nice
Things get neglected, but it will be alright.
Because he is needy and I need to be nice.