Friday Letters

Ah I used to love Fridays!

It meant the weekend was here and I would have a couple of days off work to relax or finish home-type chores.

But now that I am home all the time, Friday is just another day.

But I do have Friday Letters.

Dear Darian: Happy 16th Birthday! I cannot believe it. I remember my 16th birthday and I was starting to feel so grown up. I couldn't hardly wait to turn 18 and leave home. Just don't be in a big hurry. Okay? Home isn't such a bad place to be. And besides I would miss you so much.

Dear Harley: Finally!!! The last ballgame of the season and your team pulled out a win. 30-9. Not too shabby. Aren't you looking forward to a break now before track starts? I know that I am.

Dear Richard: I hate that you aren't feeling so good again. I hope it is just that infected toe. But today when you said to me, 'I think I only have a couple of weeks left,' I can tell you that it hit me in the heart. Bigtime! I know that I am not yet ready. But, then will I ever be? I love you!

Dear Paige: I am so, so sorry that you had to give your cats away! I know that you are hurting in your heart tonight. But someday I also know that you will fill your house and yard with lots of dogs, cats, and horses. You are such an animal lover. So kind and tender-hearted! I will give you an extra long hug when you get here this weekend.

Dear Weather: Believe me, winter, when I tell you that I won't miss you one little bit when you finally decide to leave.

Love,

Paula

Five Minute Friday's Hero

Five Minute Fridays is about writing for 5 minutes about a subject provided by the host Lisa-Jo Baker. You are to write for 5 minutes only. Don't over-think it. Don't edit it. Then you link up and go follow the person who linked up just before you. So you wait here while I go over and get the prompt.....

Hero

Ready, set, go

I have a hero. And I have admired him his entire life. I gave birth to him. He is my youngest son and I am so proud of the man that he has grown to become. He is tall, handsome, and so kind (cough, cough, sometimes he can be a pain in the ass) but he is still my hero.

Here he is as Batman

He has been here with me through thick and through thin. He lives in a town about 50 miles from us and if I need him he is here in under an hour. He is a deputy sheriff so lots of people probably don't see him as a hero.

At his law enforcement graduation with his daughter

Paige and Justin

Love this photo!

Because he wears his cape under his uniform. And he doesn't show the bad guys any mercy. But for his mom he is sweet, kind, gentle, and gives me that kick in the butt I need to quit feeling sorry for myself. To pick myself back up and get back to life again. 

He is a father figure to his brother's kids. The ones who live with us. The brother who abandoned his kids. And they look up to him like he is the 'man of steal.' And he is! He has a daughter who worships him and an ex-wife who considers him her best friend. Now that is a true hero.

He helps those who are down on their luck. And gives encouraging words to those who need them. And I bet every 'decent' criminal (if there is such a thing) that he hauls off to jail gets some words that hopefully will help to turn their lives around. My son is my hero.

Justin and Trina
We love her too!

Stop...

Finish This

Prompts for Week Four (January 29)

1. I use my “green thumb” to...grow beautiful plants. I am lucky this way. And I credit all of my luck with plants to NEGLECT. I just neglect them. I only water about once a month. I have an African Violet that belonged to my mother, when she first went into the nursing home, back in 2000. I have three orchids, two of which belonged to my mom. And I have a ficus tree, in my living room, that we purchased when we moved into our house more than 25 years ago. I am lucky to have a 'green thumb.'

2. The secret to life is...something I wished I knew. I think each of us has to figure out for ourselves what we want our life to be. And then we just have to keep working to get there. I am almost 63 years old and I am still trying to figure out what I want and where I am going.

3. I get my money’s worth by...shopping around on the internet to find the best price. And then I try to buy the best that I can afford.

4. On a scale of 1 to 10, my level of organization is...maybe somewhere around 5. I am not completely unorganized. Neither am I completely organized. I want to be. And it is a goal of mine. I am working on it this year. The month of January I have been working on my desk. It IS getting better. Really!

5. A gentleman always...holds the door open for a lady. First thing that came to mind. But, I have been known to hold the door open for a gentleman too.


6. Handwritten notes are...something that I cherish from the past. My husband used to leave me notes. I kept some of them. I am glad I have them. It seems that handwriting is something from another era. We are all so into technology now! 


If you want to know more about Finish This click on the button avobe or head over to Coastlined and pay Lisa a visit

So What! Wednesday

So it is Wednesday! So What! Yep that's right is is:

SO WHAT! WEDNESDAY

It has been so cold here that I wish I could just say, "so what" but come on, already. It is just too cold. We have negative wind chills in the mornings and the house is C.O.L.D. I just want to lie under a blanket and do nothing.

So What!

I am not a big football fan and I am not at all looking forward to the Super Bowl...we will probably not be watching at our house.

So What!

I have this huge laundry basket piled with unfolded clothes that I just can't seem to find any enthusiasm to get busy folding. I am going to separate it into piles for Darian and piles for Harley....

So What!

I haven't felt much like blogging lately. It is like the only thing I want to write about is how hard this care-taking journey is, that I have reluctantly found myself taking. I don't want to make people think that all I do is bitch, bitch, bitch.

So What?

Come and join me with my So What! Wednesday. I am linking up with Life After I Dew. She is trying to turn her bitches into positives. But, I just need to keep complaining for now. 

So What?

I Am Signed In and Getting Revved Up for April

The brainchild of Arlee Bird, at Tossing it Out, the A to Z Challenge is posting every day in April except Sundays (we get those off for good behavior.) And since there are 26 days, that matches the 26 letters of the alphabet. On April 1, blog about something that begins with the letter “A.” April 2 is “B,” April 3 is “C,” and so on. You can use a theme for the month or go random – just as long as it matches the letter of the alphabet for the day.

They recommend short posts, turn off Word Verification, and visit five blogs (or more) a day beginning with the one after yours on the list.

There is a list of categories so that you can follow blogs most like your own or make it easier to finds ones that you might be interested in. Mine is listed under PR for personal.

Come join in the fun! Just click on the button above and it will take you to the A To Z Blog to sign up. 

Menu Planning Monday

It is Monday! And it feels like a Monday at my house. The weekend, thank goodness, is over and I am ready for some big-time peace and quiet. Justin and Paige were here from Wichita. And I am always grateful for that! Darian had a wrestling tournament (of which he placed second in his weight class...go Darian) I played with my new phone and tried to figure out Darian and Harley's new phones. And we ate! Now it is time for Menu Planning Monday. so let's get started:

Monday January 27

Chicken Pot Pie

Tuesday

Cowboy Dinner

Wednesday

Kids eat at church

Papa and I will eat something takeout

Thursday

Harley has her last BB game

Hash Brown Potato Soup

Friday

Patty Melts

Saturday

HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY DARIAN

Shepard's Pie

Birthday cake

Sunday

Green Bean Soup

I am linking up with I'm An Organizing Junkie

All of My Time...

I have a new phone. And it's taking all my time learning how to use it so I feel like I have neglected my blog. It is so skinny, light-weight and cute. Way more phone than an old lady, who stays home all the time, really needs. But it makes me happy. So What?

Finish This....

Dang it....I made this committment to do this every Wednesday and here it is almost midnight....but it's not late yet. If you want to join in the click on the picture and Finish the prompts:


1. A typical day in my life… I usually wake up around 6:20 just to make sure that Darian is in the kitchen eating breakfast (he's almost 16 and doesn't need me to hold his hand while he gets ready for school.) He tells me good-bye and I go back to sleep, with one eye open, to make sure Harley gets up at 7:00 and gets herself out the door. She is almost 14 and I sure don't need to help her out (and she wouldn't let me anyway). She leaves the house at 7:45. We are very lucky that the bus picks them up right at our front door. Then I head back to sleep until sometime between 10-11, depending upon when Richard starts to stir. I know that sounds terrible but we are up late (and sometimes a lot) at night. I get him up in the wheelchair and to the table where he goes about brushing his teeth and washing up for breakfast. I fix his breakfast, look around on the computer, take him to the BR and settle him into his chair. Then I shower and half the day is gone. The rest of the afternoon is spent doing what needs done. Like the laundry, dishes, floors, napping etc. The kids both have atletic  practices and don't get home until 6:30. We eat dinner, do homework, watch TV, supervise their getting things ready for the next day and everyone goes to bed at their respective times. After I settle Richard down for the night I do some computer work (I like to call it that!) and sometime around 1 a.m. I finally settle into my bed. We get up in the morning and do it all over again.....
2. You’ll never see me…in a bikini. If you did you would want to claw your eyes out. Take my word for it.
3. It’s really unattractive when a guy/girl…make out in public.
4. If I could buy one thing right now, it would be…wood floors throughout my entire house. How much easier that would make my life.
5. I have high expectations for…my grandkids(the two who live with us) to grow up and be very different from the people who gave them life.

Now go on over to The Coastal Chicster and see what others had to say this week.

So What! Wednesday

Well here it is Wednesday. Seems like we just was talking about Sunday....and today I am going to say:

SO WHAT! WEDNESDAY

• if I am not crazy about that skunk that I found in my backyard enjoying the treats that I put out for my friends, the turkeys and the squirrels. I don't like skunks and I don't want them eating in my backyard! Eww!
• if I slammed my breaks on when I saw the big buck tonight, getting ready to step into the road in front of my car. I know you aren't supposed to slam on your brakes, but there is no way I was going to hit that sucker. He was huge. And I only carry liability insurance on my car. And I don't think he carries any kind of insurance.
• if I don't know who all reads my blog. Hopefully not my grandchildren since I just talked about their birthday presents. And whoever is coming several times a week (sometimes a day) from Liberal, Kansas...feel free to leave me a comment. I might want to be your friend.
• if my husband and I both love oysters. I know they stink up the house. But that oyster stew was certainly good for dinner tonight. And Richard had  TWO bowls.

I am linking up with So What! Wednesday on Life After I Dew. What are you saying so what to this week?

Top Ten Reasons I Feel More Hopeful Today

Can you believe how fast this month is flying by? I think every time I get ready to write an entry into my blog, I say that. But, it is true. Time is flying! Here is it already January 21, 2014. Time for List It Tuesday.
For some reason, I can't put my finger on why, yesterday was a good day and I am feeling more hopeful. I have been rather down in the dumps but right this moment I feel like maybe there is hope! You know how much I love using the word: HOPE

Ten Reasons I am Feeling More Hopeful

1. Richard had a really good day on Monday. He seemed stronger. He ate well. He slept very little. His mood was good. This will always give me a bit of hope.
2. I took a good, long nap yesterday afternoon. Woke up feeling like I could take on the world.
3. Got a wonderful text message from my youngest son that brought tears to my eyes while I was grocery shopping. He is the best son a mother could ever ask for.
4. While shopping at Dollar General, to get Harley some folders for school, I was looking through their 70% off Christmas decorations, and found a silver, ceramic tea-light candle holder that says HOPE! You can click on my Instagram up there in the right-hand corner for a picture of it. I was almost delirious to get it for $1.20. It is my word for 2014.
5. The kids were out of school Monday for a Professional Day(really, for Martin Luther Kind Day, but for some reason they never call it that) and they were both pretty awesome all day long. Any mother/grandmothers likes that. Right?
6. I finally made the decision and upgraded all of our cell phones last night! I have been going back and forth and back and forth, questioning, then second-guessing myself for moths on this. When Richard asked me what I wanted for Christmas I said a new cell phone. And the kids both have birthdays coming very soon, so I upgraded all three phones. It will be all right. Gulp! Swallow! Harley has been using her papa's old flip phone and she is a texting maniac so I know she will be over-the-top with an actual slide out keyboard. And this will be Darian's first smartphone. I think Harley is still a bit young for a smartphone.Plus she got an Ipod Touch 5 for Christmas. But he will be 16. Time to either become very familiar with parental controls or learn to trust him. Do your kids have smartphones?
7. Grocery shopping was nice! The store wasn't crowded. Harley was home with Papa. Darian was at Scouts. I didn't feel rushed. And it just felt good to be out and about.
8. The weather has been beautiful here. Up into the high 50's yesterday. Good weather always gives me hope.
9. I am doing really good with 2014 goals for January.
10. I am right on track for 'reading the Bible in a year'

How about you? Are you feeling hopeful? I am linking up with Many Little Blessings on List It Tuesday. Come on and join us, won't you?

Sunday Stealing

The Last Night Meme!

1.Did Anyone Call You Last night?

Yes, someone who said they were calling about my credit card(I don't have any credit cards) and they wanted me to know that nothing was wrong but that I needed to return the call and they left a number....

2. How late were you on the computer last night?

I went to bed earlier than usual, so probably somewhere around 10 p.m.

3. What did you have to eat last night?

Baked ham, baked potatoes, and peas

4. Did you watch any good TV shows or movies last night?

Yes. I am on Season 3 of Army Wives. I have been really enjoying it.

5.Did any news items stand out to you last night?

Nothing! I watched the news, but I don't remember any of it. I was more interested in how the weather was going to be this week. Looks like we are going to have some warmer days....40's and 50's!

6. Did you go out last night?

Nope! I hardly ever go out, let alone at night.

7. What was the weather like last night?

 It got down into the 30's and the wind finally stopped howling. We had been have 30 mph wind gusts all day long.

8. What was the last thing you said last night?

"I'm going to bed"

9.What time did you go to bed last night?

Around 10 p.m.

Want to join us with this funny little meme? Then just click on over to Sunday Stealing...

Where To Find My Encouragment

I loved writing my Five-Minute Friday last week and I find myself there again today. I still need to go over and see what the word prompt is, but I thought I would get the post set up first, and then just start my five minutes of un-edited, not over-thinking and no going back to pretty up the post, thoughts on paper. Because that is the rules. Oh, and you HAVE to visit the person who posted before you and comment on their Five Minute Friday post.

So I am getting ready to set the timer....find the word...and give you my five minutes.

The Word for this week is ENCOURAGEMENT!


Ready, set, here we go..


Where I am, right now, in this moment, I need your encouragement. There I said it! It is not easy for me to ask for help. People who know me really well know that about me. I think I can do this all on my own. But the longer that this goes on the more that I am finding out that I can't do it all alone. 

I am thankful for the family I have that is offering me encouragement as I walk this lonely path of caring for my loved one. I long for the family that is not here. On good days we have each other, but when it is a bad day, then it is only me. But, wait, is part of that my own fault? Maybe, it is because I don't reach out. Maybe I like wallowing in self-pity. Sometimes I think that I need to show the world what a strong person I am and that I can do it all by myself.

But I cherish all the kind words of encouragement that I receive along the way. And the touches and hugs. Those are the best. When people let me know that they have a little inkling of what I am going through, but don't know exactly, because we all walk a different path no matter how similar. I am happy to have my blog. I can write about my true feelings here. And you, my readers, have been a big source of encouragement as I trudge the rough roads of  this long and arduous journey. I wish I could thank you each personally but my five minutes just ended.....

Stop

Now I have to admit that I went back and cleaned up this piece. For some reason I can't spell the word encouragement correctly the first time I type it...Go over to Lisa-Jo Baker's Blog and join us in Five Minute Friday.

Finish This....

I like to write but sometimes I don't know what I want to write about. And I don't want everyone to get sick of hearing about my care-giving crap. Cause I am already sick of that!

Any how I found a new weekly link-up. It is supposed to take place on Wednesday's, so as you can see I am a day behind. But I doubt that anyone cares. They will post the beginning of the sentence and we will finish it....

Prompts for Week Two (January 15)

1. If I could make anything grow on trees, it would be…I am going to be cliche here and say money. Who wouldn't want to have a money tree growing in the backyard? Would sure help me out.

2. I can’t stop smiling…when I think about that money tree growing outside. Can you imagine the problems that would cause in real life? I would have to build a big, really big, fence. I would have to figure out how to keep the birds away. I would need a really mean dog to keep people away. What a hoot it would be!

3. I get back to nature by…feeding the birds and squirrels out back. We have a huge flock of wild turkeys that visit everyday. And then there are the birds: blue jays, robins, wrens, woodpeckers, cardinals, (damn) black birds, doves...etc. I am sure that I left some out. In the spring and summer we have hummingbirds too!

4. I dread washing…the car. It is filthy right now because of all the snow and ice. And the salt that they dump on the roads. But I will try to get the job done this weekend, if the weather stays nice.

Now jump over to the Coastal Chicster and link up. It is a good way to meet others and see how they complete the sentences.

Hope

Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence. 
~Lin Yutang

I Can't Fix Him

Yesterday was a bad day. Emotionally bad for me is the best way to put it. I made myself take a good, long, hard look at myself. And I guess what I am going to say is that I am not happy with what I came up with. My whole role in this care-giving journey is to provide my husband with good care. I am supposed to make sure that he is comfortable, happy, and well taken care of. I am a take charge person. I am a 'control freak'. I am the fixer. And that is a bad illusion to have. Because I am not going to be able to fix him. Just ain't going to happen.

And that sucks!

Yesterday was a normal day. We got up and I got him out of the bed and into his wheelchair. We went into the dining room and I set him up to brush his teeth and then eat his breakfast. He did some of his normal complaining about his catheter and I did my normal reassuring him that all was well. But it didn't seem that all WAS well. So I laid him down in his bed and did some fiddling with the catheter and had a gush of urine into the bag. So, something was wrong with the catheter. Now all was well again and we went about our normal daily activities.

Towards late afternoon he was once again complaining about the catheter. This is not really unusual, but I have learned to always check, because sometimes something really IS wrong. So, when I went to check I found that he was wet. The catheter was no longer in place. It was out!! And when a person has urinary retention that is not a good thing. He was already telling me he had to gooooooooooo!!! So I got him up to his bedside commode and texted the Hospice nurse. Took awhile for her to send me back a message that she was not at work but that she would call the office and talk to the person in charge. And we waited. And Waited. And finally, I texted the person in charge. And waited and waited. After what seemed like an eternity to me (and probably even longer to Richard,who was the one with the bladder filling up) I got a call from the nurse in charge. She had been on jury duty and had not been getting any of the texts being sent to her. And she was less than polite to me! And I am not the kind of person that takes well to that. Remember, I am the take charge person. I am the FIXER! And this is my husband. And I was anxious and needing someone to put in a catheter. And all of those things made me not a very nice person either......

To make a long story shorter, finally, an on call nurse arrived at our home, placed a new catheter, drained a pretty full bladder and left me with a happier more comfortable patient. But I wasn't a happier caregiver. I hate being out of control. I hate not being able to fix the problem. I hate having to wait for other people to help me.

But what I started out to tell you is that I have to quit. I have to stop trying to fix everything. Yes, there is a pill for this and a pill for that! Is he having bladder spasms. Is the twitching because of a drug interaction or an infection. Why is he not eating. Should I try to fix something else. He sleeps too much or he doesn't sleep at all. STOP!

I HAVE TO STOP!

That doesn't mean that I stop taking care of him. That doesn't mean that I quit caring. But I have to stop trying to fix him. Cause what he has can't be fixed. It is the normal progression of the disease. That along with his age means that eventually he will die. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I can love him and care for him until the very last breath but I can't make him better! 

And that, for me, is a bitter pill to swallow.

So What! Wednesday

I cannot believe that it is already Wednesday, January 15! What the heck...half the month is already gone. I just took down the Christmas tree...so what!

So What! Wednesday

This week I am saying so what if:

• We stayed in bed until almost noon today. We had a stressful day yesterday and we were tired.
• That basket of laundry is sitting over there staring at me. I can stare right back!
• My hair is almost completely grey now. I got it cut after Christmas, really short, and now I don't have roots. Cause the roots are what are left....so what!
• I don't plan to put anymore color on it. What you see is what you get.
• My mood is sucky today! I don't even care if sucky isn't a word. And that wavy little red line that keeps appearing under it can just keep appearing. Cause I am going to keep saying sucky, sucky, sucky!

Hope you are having a better day! And I am linking up with Life After I Dew today.

You Never Know

Funny Little Valentines

Today is List It Tuesday.....Below is 10 of my favorite pins from My Funny Valentine Pinterest Board. Go on over and see what else I have pinned.

1.

source

I like too print these out and put them in frames around the house

2.

source

3.

source

A simple idea for a banner across a window or the fireplace mantle.

4.

source

These look yummy. And only 2 ingredients!

5.

source

Harley and I made these for her entire class when she was in the 6th grade.

Such a cute idea. And everyone needs a drink of water to chase all that candy with.

6.

source

And free...just go to the paint store and stock up on paint chips.

7.

source

I want to make these for my grandchildren someday!

8.

source

I love the printables found on this site. She hasn't posted in ages but still a lot of neat stuff to see.

9.

The source on this pin just took me to another pinners boards (don't you hate it when the pin doesn't lead to the source? I do) so I will give credit to my friend Wendy who showed a picture of hers on her blog.

10.

source

I know that if I make this for Richard for breakfast on Valentine's Day it will bring a smile.

I am linking up with List it Tuesday. Do you have any favorite Valentine's activities or ideas to share?

Menu Plan Monday

This past week pretty much sucked for my menu plan. We stayed on track Monday and that was about it. I made the Cream Cheese Chicken, but I didn't double it as planned and put one in the freezer. But it was a wonderful recipe and I will continue to plan to make it for the freezer. I doubt that I will add the pasta until the day that I fix it though. I have never had much success with freezing and re-heating cooked pasta. Have you? Anyway off to this week.

Menu Plan for January 13-19

Monday

January 13

Leftover Monday

lots from the weekend

Tuesday

January 14

Southwest Stew

Wednesday

January 15

Kids have church at 6:30

take out for Papa and me

Thursday

January 16

Both kids out of town for sports

Grilled cheese and tomato soup

Friday

Easy Cheeseburger Casserole

Saturday

Broccoli Cheddar Chicken Casserole

Sunday

Honey Chicken

Baked Potatoes

Peas

As you can see (if you look closely) most of this was last weeks menu. But I have already grocery shopped and have all the ingredients so I might as well use the same plan. Right?

What are you making this week? I am linking up with I'm an Organizing Junkie for Menu Plan Monday 

Sunday Stealing

It is Sunday. So that means Sunday Stealing and today we have the meme: The Fast Dozen. It's fun so come join us. You know that you want to.

1. What is the last book that you passed on to someone else to read?

Most of my reading is now done on my Nook Color so I have a Lend me section. The last book was a book I lent to my cousin about going to Disney World.

2.The song that you secretly/or not so secretly want to sing at Karaoke?

Oh there would be many....but today it is 

This one

3.If you had to pick a new name for yourself, what would it be.

When I was younger, I always wanted to be called Connie. Now that I am older, I don't mind my name Paula so much. I was named after my mom.

4.What do you wish that your boss would notice? 

Since I no longer work outside the home and I am my own boss I wish that I would notice when I am reaching that 'burnout' point and do something about it.

5.What is your biggest pet peeves?

I have so many pet peeves that it is hard to pick just one. But my two biggest are probably about being late and lying.

6. What holds you back in pursuing your biggest dream?

I am not even sure that I any longer have a biggest dream. One day at a time at my house.

7.Why do you think that you are a lovable person?

That's easy! I DON'T think I am all that lovable.

8. If everyday had an extra hour in it, what would you do with it?

Probably be right here on the computer.

9.The last tune you turned up in your car or house was:

Helen Reddy: I am Woman, Hear Me Roar!

10. What is a secret talent you may have?

Well it is not singing! And it's not really a secret. But I have a terrific green thumb. I can grow anything.

11. Your favorite thing to do outside in the winter, when it's not too cold!

Feed the birds. Walk around in the yard. Work on my garage organizing project that has been going on a couple of years.

12. How do you respond if someone asks you an inappropriate or nosy question?

Well I am a firm believer in there are no such thing as dumb questions. I would probably just answer it. If you have any questions, just ask.

Hope to see you all over at Sunday Stealing