I think I am losing my Mind

     Things are hard here right now. I think that I am burned out. I hate everything and everyone. I don't know if I can do this another day. It is so hard! Unless you have been in my shoes you have no idea. I don't want to hear anyone say....BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. That is so disrespectful. We all have different things that are going on in our lives besides dying husbands. I have two kids I need to try to be strong for. And I don't want to. I am tired. I just need to lay my head down and not get up again. I can't take the messes, the whining, the wanting everything his way. Their way. What about my way?? I know that I am ranting. I can only do it here. I wouldn't dare do it outside of my head. I have two kids I need to be strong for. I am sick of being strong. I want to cry. I want to scream., I want to curl up in a ball and never move again. I am sick of family members who want to stay away because of petty little things. F**k the petty things. These are the big things in life. These are the things that families should stick together for. Families who lie to your face. I can take the truth. If you have other things to do, just tell me. I can take it. I love honesty. I hate liars. I know that life is going on for everyone else. Life will go on someday for me too! And when life goes on for me, I will remember who was there and who didn't have the time. Who thought I didn't know what was being said behind my back. Who thought they were so smart and so cute. And then tried to slip around with their fake caring attitude just so they could report back to the others. I don't care about any of you. We might have been born with the same DNA but I am not like that. I am different. I CARE!
     Kids who think the other one gets more than they get. Makes me so mad. I know it is probably normal but still pisses me off. Can't any of you see that I gave up my whole 'golden years' to be your mom. It is not my plan. I didn't want your parents to be irresponsible pieces of crap. Wasn't my plan. I didn't want this to happen to Papa. Wasn't my plan. Wasn't his plan. Thank God he has me. Where would he be. He has no family . Well he does, but where the hell are they. Two sister who are older than he is and a brother who hasn't cared for years. I didn't want to do this. I wanted to travel and lay on the beach somewhere and be happy. I didn't plan to be miserable as I take care of my husband as if he is the third child. I hate it. I am tired of pretending. I don't want to pretend anymore. I want to scream and scream and scream.
    But what good would that do? I still have to get up in the morning and change his sopping wet adult diapers and powder his rash on his butt. I still have to change his clothes and help him brush his teeth. I still have to make sure we have food in the house that he likes and can eat. I still have to help him to the BR and wipe and clean his butt. And change the wet pants. And powder the butt. And make sure he is warm in his chair. And comfortable. And can hear the TV. And has a drink close enough that he can reach. And clean it up when he spills it. And wipe the mucous from his mouth as it runs down his chin. Who else is going to do that? And I still have to get kids up and dropped off at their activities. They didn't ask for this either. I need to try to keep some semblance of normalcy in their lives. It isn't their fault they were dealt a bad set of parents. It isn't their fault their granny is busy with their Papa and can't find the time or the desire to just do something with them. They are spoiled and don't even know it. They try to help. And they are good help. But I am resentful and that makes me feel even worse. Why can't I just be thankful? Why can't I give my thanks to God everyday. Why can't I praise the Lord? Because I am pissed off. That's why. I am not thankful and I am mad as hell at God right now. So there, I actually typed it. I might just be struck down today. And I don't know that I would even care.
     I know that this shall pass but today I am going to wallow in it. I need to be mad. I need to feel sad. I need to be pissed off. I need to scream and cry and get all ugly and snotty and hide and not talk to anyone. Because tomorrow I will have to get up and do it all over again. And love him til the end. And care for them until they can stand on their own two feet. Time for myself will come! I can wait.

I am Strong

Good morning and welcome. If you have found me then I am happy that you are here. And to my friends....I have missed you. But I am strong. And I will carry on. I am writing this blog for my family to look back on and see what a crazy and wonderful life we had. This family is not perfect but we have each other's backs. Those who have my back know who you are! And those who don't, I am moving on. I love to write. And sometimes what I write isn't about the pretty things that go on in life. Life is full of the uglies too. But God has given me so much. And negative people bring me down. I am not going down without a fight. My plate is full and I don't need any more negativity. My husband is dying right before my very eyes. But today he is strong. Only God knows what tomorrow will bring. I cannot sugarcoat it any longer for anyone! And I am not going to. So jump in my wagon and follow along. Sometimes the ride will get bumpy!

I Will be Back...

Just can't do it anymore

     I just can't get into blogging anymore. I don't know if it was too many challenges. Or what my life is like. And that pisses me off at times. But I just wanted to leave a bit of a note to say.....I am not leaving. But I am taking a break. I am just tired of everything right now!

 In a bit of a funk

I chuckle when I read first day back to school posts by other parents!

I must be a terrible parent.

Or in my case a terrible grandparent.

I am not going to cry on the first day of school.

I am not even going to be sad.

I am happy that a big yellow bus will show up early, early and haul them away.

The thing that I am saddest about is that we still have two full weeks to wait.

But I will not be sad.

I might even do a handstand.

If that is possible.

It's Not!

But if I could do one I would do one.

I am looking forward to getting back to a routine.

I like where they go to bed early.

And I stay up.

I like where they get up early.

And I stay in bed.

I am not going to be sad.

I am not going to cry.

They are growing up.

And that makes me happy.

That is my goal in life.

To help them to grow up.

Fast.

I am ready !

I must be a terrible parent.

August Happiness Challenge-August 18

Justin is here.

Got to sleep in my own bed.

Happiness Challenge August 16

Happiness was a good long nap that I had this afternoon!

August Happiness Challenge Day 15

Another guilty pleasure!

My August Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY  

August 14, 2013

Outside my window...

Finally we are seeing the sun shine here in Kansas. We have had so much rain since the end of July that we have ended our two year drought in my part of Kansas. From July 23 until August 4 we have recorded a total of 9.11 inches of rain. And we had a couple of more days with heavy rains after that. Enough!!

I am thinking...

I am thinking that most of my flowers in hanging baskets outside are probably done for the summer. Just too water logged. They need some oxygen to their roots.

I am thankful...

I am thankful that we are no longer suffering a drought, but this much rain is not a good thing either.

In the kitchen...

I made another peach cobbler last night. This one I just topped with canned biscuits as I had some I needed to get used. Top with cinnamon and sugar and the fresh peaches and it was delicious.

I am wearing...

What I always wear, shorts and a tee shirt

I am creating...

We are getting ready to change Darian's bedroom. I have the plans made. The bedspread and drapes orders. We will get ready to paint soon. We are doing an industrial theme. Should last him until college and beyond.


I am going...

CRAZY!!

I am wondering...

I am wondering how little old ladies (like 80+) take care of their little old husbands when they are ill. I am 18 years younger than Richard and this 24/7 care is killing me.


I am reading...

I am reading  Saving Hope (Men of the Texas Rangers) by Margaret Daily. It was a freebie on my Nook Color.


I am hoping...

I just hoping that I can keep on hoping. Does that make sense?



I am looking forward to...

I am looking forward to the kids returning to school on September 4. It has been a 4 month summer vacation and we need to get back into a routine.

I am learning....

I wish I could say that I was learning patience, but that is a really hard thing for me. I am working on it daily.


Around the house...

There is always so much laundry!


I am pondering...

I do a lot of pondering...that is for sure.



A favorite quote for today...

One of my favorite things...

One of my favorite things has always been a Fresh New School Year!


A few plans for the rest of the week:

Church for the kids tonight, debate practice for Darian tomorrow, then we really have no plans until Monday. I can start working on getting Darian's room ready to paint

A peek into my day...

August Happiness Challenge-Day 14

My guilty summer pleasure is this mystifying television drama based on a book written by Stephen King. So far the kids and I have been intrigued. I just hope it doesn't get really crazy, weird like only a Stephen King book can get. It is helping to divert us from the disaster that is called 'our life'. 

Happiness Challenge-August 13

A big time waster....and I love it!

Click to go to my Pinterest Boards

August Happiness Challenge-Day 12

Happiness is

Happiness Challenge August 9

My morning coffee makes me happy and putting french vanilla cream in it makes me even happier!

Happiness Challenge August 8

    This is something that is hard to be happy about, but with the kind of weather that we have had lately, (we got over 7 inches of rain in a 90 minute period of time last Saturday night into Sunday morning) I am happy that our county crews are putting these signs up to keep me safe. We are having a lot of flooding and a lot of roads are covered. However, I am happy to report that I live up on a hill and our house is pretty dry!

August 7 Happiness Challenge

Happiness is this boy started debate today!

He's pretty shy and doesn't really like to speak in front of people.

But he signed up for debate for his sophomore year in high school.

They are having a debate camp that started on Tuesday.

And he is loving it!

And that makes this granny happy.

August 6 Happiness Challenge

Never thought I would find a day when this vile, nasty stuff would make me happy. But I have had such horrible cramping and diarrhea for more than 6 hours that it tasted absolutely like champagne (NOT) going down my through knowing that I would soon (after three doses) find relief. Thank you Pepto

Memory Monday

 I am participating in Memory Monday over at Sandy's

Sandy's Space blog.

Grab an old picture and tell us all about it and link up at Sandy's

This picture was taken in probably early 1976.

The bigger boy is my oldest son, Danny.

He has on his dads hat.

Dad worked as a guard at our local prison.

That little guy is my youngest son Justin.

Check out that awesome panelling on the wall behind that UGLY sofa.

What was I thinking when I bought that thing. 

And that painting on the wall!!!

That is a real oil painting.

(hung way too high, by the way)

Wow have my tastes ever changed over the past 30 years or so.

August 5 Happiness Challenge

This is the drink that is making me happy now days!

If you like Peach Tea and have not tasted this,

Run, don't walk to the nearest store and pick you up a half-gallon!

Happiness Challenge-August 4

This picture makes me smile.

This man makes me happy.

My youngest son Justin helping a little guy learn to box.

Justin comes to our house every single Saturday

and I get to go to my bedroom and sleep in my bed.

Can you imagine how HAPPY that makes me.

I love you son!

You are the best

August 3 Happiness Challenge

I love fresh peaches.

Especially fresh 'Georgia' peaches.

I got a full bushel of them this week.

And do you know what makes me happy?

This!!!!

I haven't made this yet this year. But I will! Today I made a Peach Crisp. Yummy

Peach Cobbler

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup(s) granulated sugar
• 1 tablespoon(s) corn starch
• 2 1/2 cup(s) peaches (with juice) pre-sliced
• 1 cube(s) butter
• 1 tablespoon(s) cinnamon
• Topping
• 1 cup(s) flour sifted
• 1 tablespoon(s) granulated sugar
• 1 1/2 teaspoon(s) baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon(s) salt
• 3 tablespoon(s) shortening
• 1/2 cup(s) milk

Preparation

1. In large saucepan, mix 1/2 cup sugar and corn starch, gradually stir in peaches and juice. Bring to a boil and stir constantly for one minute.


2. Pour the mix into a 2 quart (8x8") glass baking dish and dot with butter.


3. Sprinkle with cinnamon.


4. Topping:
5. Sift together the flour, 1 tbsp sugar, baking powder and salt


6. Cut in shortening and milk, cutting with a knife until it looks like meal


7. Drop spoon fulls onto the hot peach mix


8. Bake at 400 deg for 25-30 minutes or until the topping is golden brown

This recipe can be found here

August 2 Happiness Challenge

Isn't this the truth!

Just BE happy

24 Hours to Hell

     Yesterday when I wrote about feeling like I had fallen into a long, spiraling hole, I alluded to what we were going through here at our house. Little did I know that it was going to turn into a long, long nightmare. Yesterday started with mild confusion and lots of urinary problems. Frequency and urgency being the biggest problem. And then not going after we got him on the commode. By bedtime he was very worked up. He was doing all the repetitive actions that people with dementia often do. He was folding and re-folding a Kleenex or his blanket. And asking the same questions over and over. And getting kind of nasty if he didn't like the answer. So I started to just go along with him. Um huh! Yep, that's what I did.

     And he did not close his eyes one single time all night long. Not ONE single time. And he rambled on and one and most of it did not make sense. And he was mad at me for some reason. I finally just stayed quiet, in the dark, and watched him. Occasionally I would doze. But mostly, I watched. And I couldn't help but think back on all the wonderful times we have had together. And I cried. And I grieved what I have lost. And I have not yet lost him. But I HAVE lost him. Do you know what I mean?

     This morning when we woke up. Well, I woke up, he was AWAKE all night. I got him up. He was very weak. And couldn't stand. And it took all of us just to put him on the commode, give him a quickie sponge bath and change his clothes. We got him to the table and he said, "I am not eating anything that you make for me." Paranoia? So I gave him a glass of juice and fed him a cup of pudding. He ate that. And he rambled on and on. Insisted wewere at  the old Gas Service Building or the Bell Telephone Building downtown. Both have been gone for years. He slapped at bugs and pointed out spiders that were on the table. Hallucinations?

     I messaged the Hospice nurse and requested an antibiotic. She wanted a UA. I said that ain't gonna happen cause he is incontinent all the time. And what about putting him on some anxiety medication on schedule instead of as needed. She agrees to both and the meds are ordered but won't be here until late in the day. We plan a road trip. I have some errands to run. He usually likes to get out of the house. As soon as we load him into the car he insists that a large semi-truck is lying on it's side in the garage. I don't try to change his mind. Um huh! We start off down the road. First stop is at the FRESH CORN stand. He wants to give me money. Insists on giving me money. Upset that he doesn't have his billfold. He hasn't carried his billfold in over two years. Since the stroke. He is happy to have two dozen ears of fresh corn though. I will have to shave it off the cob as he doesn't have jaw strength any longer so he won't be able to chew it off.

     We stop at the gas station and he gives a continuous commentary on how to pump gas. I have been doing this for two years but I let him tell me how. It makes him feel like he is still in control. He snaps at the kids if they try to interject anything. They both know that Papa is NOT having a good day. 

     We continue on with the errands and he continues on with the mumbling, rambling, and repeating. We continue to say um huh. At one point he sings along with the radio. So funny! I have NEVER heard him do this before. I loved it. A special moment. The song was Kris Kristofferson  Why Me Lord! I will always cherish hearing my beloved husband singing along. If you don't know this song, please take the time to 

watch here.

     We arrived back home and got him settled into his chair. Fed him a sandwich. Gave him a couple of anxiety pills as advised by the Hospice nurse and he was out....OUT! As in OUT. And he slept for the next 6 hours without moving a single muscle except for breathing. I am so torn between letting him sleep (and giving me a break from the heartbreaking, wrenching observation of such an episode) or waking him so that he will sleep tonight. I am NOT waking him. I am going to take my chances. We are prepared to support him and love him all the way to the end. No matter how hard it gets. And it is HARD. Very, very hard!

   

August One Happiness Challenge

August is finally here. This has been a crazy summer. The kids have been out of school since May 2 and we still have until September 2 before they will return. But I have been happy to have them home for the summer. They are so helpful when it comes to Papa. And they are so patient with him (when I am sometimes losing my patience). They love him unconditionally. Isn't that what love should be about. As we age I think it is easy to lose patience and forget about unconditional love. So for today, August 1, 2013, I am happy that Darian and Harley (and Paige when she has been here) have been around to love and care for their Papa