Tuesday, March 21, 2017

The Hardest Walk

Whoever said, "the hardest walk is walking alone. But if you let it, it's the walk that can make you the strongest" has probably never really walked alone! My opinion!


I was reading a young friend's blog today and she was talking about how weird grief is. She lost her grandma a couple years ago and the older she gets the more she misses her. I understand this. Grief is weird! And it is maddening. And it is hard!!

Richard has been gone for almost 3 years. Three years this summer. Even saying that makes me sad. To think three years has passed without him and I am not stronger. I'm lonely. And it's not a loneliness that can be filled with getting out and meeting new people. Or doing volunteer work. Or getting a part-time job. (These things have been suggested by those who don't know what kind of loneliness I am trying to talk about)

It's the loneliness of not having someone to talk to about the crazy stuff of life. Not having someone to laugh with about the things that only we understood. The loneliness of looking across the room and seeing the chair where he sat empty. And not wanting to stay too long in the room where he used to sit with his coffee and watch the birds. It's the loneliness of getting in the car to take a trip and knowing he won't be sitting there next to me to give me directions.(although his directions sometimes weren't crystal clear! LOL!) And to tell me how to drive! Or tick me off with his suggestions. That kind of loneliness. You won't know what it is like if you have never had a life mate and lost the life mate.   

I did not think I would still be mourning the love of my life for this long. I would not want him to still be lingering and suffering. But I do wish he was still here. Even if that means I would be caring for him from sun-up until sundown. I would do it all over again. It is just so interesting (and maddening) to find these grief surges over and over again.
Just this week I lost a friend. He died of a massive heart attack. I've known him since he was born. Only 51 years old. In the very prime of his life. I'm saddened to think his wife will now be taking this horrible walk alone now. The one that is supposed to make us stronger. With a houseful of kids and grandkids she gets to walk without her life mate. Not fair. 

When I say that I hear my mom say, "whoever told you life was fair?" Isn't that the truth?? Nothing fair about it. There is no rhyme nor reason for why we go through what we go through. And maybe it makes us stronger. Who knows?

Right now it just pisses me off.  

missing you during March Madness

32 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry, Paula. It isn't fair, and I hope you do get stronger. Less sad, year by year.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so sorry about your friend, Paula. 51 is just too young in my opinion. My mom mourned my dad after he passed away for the rest of her life. She never "got over it" as he too was the love of her life like Richard was the love of your life. Grief has no boundaries or expiration date to be over; its sad people don't see that (unless they are themselves grieving) and people can often say the most cruelest things even though they may say it out of "love" and "care." Sometimes the best thing is the gift of silence and just being there while someone is talking about their loved one.

    betty

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, 51 is too young! I am sure I will mourn Richard for the rest of my life too. I will NEVER get over it! I am so happy you are here Betty! Thank you!!

      Delete
  3. Just yesterday my roommate was saying how her brother's death (he died in January) hit her hard yesterday. Grief is weird. Everyone processes it differently. And it is a process. Emotions are how spirit communicates, and sometimes spirit is a bit nuts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, weird!! I like thinking that emotions are the spirit communicating with me. Thanks Liz!

      Delete
  4. Yep, you've expressed yourself so beautifully. Perhaps the hardest thing is smiling back at those who can't help but offer (unsolicited) advice. Everyone is different, and THAT IS OKAY!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't smile back at them!!!!!! LOL!

      Delete
  5. He was the love of your life. There's no switch to turn off your feelings. You didn't expect to have all this time on your own and now the kids are growing up and starting to move on it's natural it will hit you again. But you are strong Paula. I believe you will cope even though you don't like having to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you hit the nail on the head Wendy. Having Darian leave home and Harley exerting more independence is showing me that soon I will be alone. Makes the grief surges harder!! Thank you!

      Delete
  6. We go on because we have to and for me the best part is the joy I take in my family. I lost my love over 20 years ago and miss him everyday. Still my family keeps me going and motivate me more than anything to keep on going. Friends and family cannot replace what I had all those years with my husband, but I had to leave the sorrow behind for my own sanity and try to enjoy every day to the fullest. Looking for the bright side of every situation. It's ok to get mad, I've done that too. Life isn't fair, but it's up to us to make the most of what we have.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear you Ma! I will work on trying to become more positive and more motivated. Right now it is just too easy to wallow in self-pity!

      Delete
  7. I don't think you're mourning too long. You were with Richard for a very long time. I can't imagine saying goodbye to such a long love. Besides...you've had to tuck those grieving moments into a busy schedule of the grand-parenting you've been doing at the same time and all the other responsibilities life throws at you: lawn care, housekeeping, menu-planning, car worries and now not so much ;-) school activities, Darian being away... AND you've done all those things without having someone to sit with at the end of the day and say, " Whew! That was a rough day with the children, or the car, or the weather, or the finances, or the schedule..."

    When I was much younger and still living in town of my youth, I would see widows hanging out together and then hear about trips they had taken and I thought they were having a good time. That may be true. But as I matured and my mother became a widow, I decided that the widows were superheroes because they did what needed doing and they did it alone.

    If you need some extra tissues, let me know, but your grief has it's own schedule and will let you know when it needs more time with you.

    Peace!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've been using lots of tissues, for sure. I know that grief has it's own schedule. I'm just tired of feeling this way. I think, combined with all the other crap that is going on, this is just too much to keep having these grief surges. I can't even imagine hanging out with other widows at the moment. Too much grief!! I hold on to knowing that you are still surviving it!!!

      Delete
  8. I agree with everything you said, 100%! It's been 2 years and 3 months today that I lost Henry. Sometimes the grief smacks me in the face even though I think I'm having a great day. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It has been two years and eight months for me!!! I hate how it smacks me in the face but there is nothing I can do but go with it when it hits! I am sorry for your loss Vicki!

      Delete
  9. You never "get over it". My dad has been gone for nearly two years, making me an orphan. The first year I was fine. My daughter got married the month after he died and then I was so busy catching up on all the things I had let slide while I spent as much time with him as I could before he died. This year, as the holidays approached, I fell into a deep depression. I dreamed about him every night, that he was trying to tell me something really important and I would wake before he told me. I started sleeping more and the more I slept, the more depressed I became. I could not bear the thought of calling my step mother, the one person who could relate to missing him. I just knew the sound of her voice would reduce me to a babbling idiot and I didn't want her to have to deal with my grief on top of hers. I am better, but still very raw and I cover it all up.

    I had a breakdown when I was in my late 20's. I am bi-polar and I take my meds every day. Because I take meds, people think I never get depressed. I do, but am able to handle it because of the medication. I recognize what is happening and even though I am down in the weeds sometimes, I prefer to let life happen and not increase the medication.

    Now that I have dumped all this on you, I hope you are able to find your way through this and I will remember you in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure I will find my way through it. But I am just as positive I will NEVER be over it. Sending you a hug Kathy!

      Delete
  10. I can’t say I understand what your loneliness is. I can only imagine it. As Ross and I get older, I sometimes wander into those unthinkable thoughts. I only stay there very temporarily because it seems that it would be unbearable.
    You are such a good communicator of your thoughts and feelings. Your anger comes through loud and clear. Your sadness is quietly heartbreaking.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I used to think about this when Richard was still alive and was so sick. I told myself, "Ill be okay" Little did I know. I don't think I am angry as much as just sad!

      Delete
  11. My husband and I talk about our future deaths a lot. (We're in our 40s.) Usually in funny ways like - if you died and I had to eat you to survive, I'd eat your thigh first, like that. The other day he said something about me pointing out his funny jokes after his death to my next husband and I was surprised, "You think I'll remarry? Who can hold a candle to you?"

    I was single for about 20 years as an adult before him, and I know I can do it, but I imagine for me it would be as it is for you - the not having someone at home to relate the day to, or share those inside jokes with. I wish you and your friend well. Maybe she can find some strength in you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Red! We used to joke like that too! And we were well aware when the day would come sooner than we wanted it to!

      Delete
  12. Grief sucks and i'm with you- i'm pissed off! I've lost way too many people and it looks as if i may lose one of my favorite people in the whole world soon.
    I'm so tired of crying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely Holli! Sending you a hug!

      Delete
  13. I am so sorry you are feeling so sad, Paula, and that it feels like it will be like this forever. Someone once said you may never get over a loss, but you will get through it somehow. I wonder if that's true. My dad is in hospice right now and wow, it's a hard thing for him and for our whole family. Such a difficult part of life, the letting go..
    Hugs to you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not as bad now as it was a few days ago. Grief surges just seem to hit whenever they desire! I doubt I will ever get over the loss! It is what it is!

      Delete
  14. I think I started following you when Richard just passed? I think. But you were fresh into mourning. I have never lost a mate, but I do feel for you and I have seen growth from you through your words here on your blog. Keep out pouring this way. I think it works, albeit you may never notice it... I have. So sorry. Some people we are never meant to get over and never should. Don't let go, just let in. Hugzzzz!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Kathy! I plan on just letting in!!!

      Delete
  15. Everyone grieves in their own way and time. There is no set schedule...unlike in the victorian years they wore black and black arm bands for a year and then it was considered over and they could move on.
    A year ago one of our friends remarried after being a widower for only five months, I felt badly for his wife who died...not sure why but I did...I felt he should still be grieving. Who am I to say he did not grieve deeply or enough??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess that is true. My sister seemed to move on pretty fast but not for me to judge, I guess!

      Delete

I love to hear what you might think. Leave me a comment. I guarantee though that I will delete your comment if you are just here to cause trouble. So tread lightly!