Whoever said, "the hardest walk is walking alone. But if you let it, it's the walk that can make you the strongest" has probably never really walked alone! My opinion!
I was reading a young friend's blog today and she was talking about how weird grief is. She lost her grandma a couple years ago and the older she gets the more she misses her. I understand this. Grief is weird! And it is maddening. And it is hard!!
Richard has been gone for almost 3 years. Three years this summer. Even saying that makes me sad. To think three years has passed without him and I am not stronger. I'm lonely. And it's not a loneliness that can be filled with getting out and meeting new people. Or doing volunteer work. Or getting a part-time job. (These things have been suggested by those who don't know what kind of loneliness I am trying to talk about)
It's the loneliness of not having someone to talk to about the crazy stuff of life. Not having someone to laugh with about the things that only we understood. The loneliness of looking across the room and seeing the chair where he sat empty. And not wanting to stay too long in the room where he used to sit with his coffee and watch the birds. It's the loneliness of getting in the car to take a trip and knowing he won't be sitting there next to me to give me directions.(although his directions sometimes weren't crystal clear! LOL!) And to tell me how to drive! Or tick me off with his suggestions. That kind of loneliness. You won't know what it is like if you have never had a life mate and lost the life mate.
I did not think I would still be mourning the love of my life for this long. I would not want him to still be lingering and suffering. But I do wish he was still here. Even if that means I would be caring for him from sun-up until sundown. I would do it all over again. It is just so interesting (and maddening) to find these grief surges over and over again.
Just this week I lost a friend. He died of a massive heart attack. I've known him since he was born. Only 51 years old. In the very prime of his life. I'm saddened to think his wife will now be taking this horrible walk alone now. The one that is supposed to make us stronger. With a houseful of kids and grandkids she gets to walk without her life mate. Not fair.
When I say that I hear my mom say, "whoever told you life was fair?" Isn't that the truth?? Nothing fair about it. There is no rhyme nor reason for why we go through what we go through. And maybe it makes us stronger. Who knows?