Friday, October 14, 2016

Happy Birthday Angel Baby


 This first appeared on my blog in 2008. This was when I started blogging. Today she would have been 42 years old!

Today, October 14, 34 years ago I gave birth to my little angel Elaine. She was stillborn after 9 months and 3 weeks of pregnancy. She was the second child born to my ex-husband and me. Our first, a son, Danny was 3 years old and really looking forward to a new baby brother or sister at our house. I wasn't happy at the thought of being pregnant, you see, because the father and I had a terrible relationship and had planned on divorcing when I found out that I was expecting. But for the sake of the new baby we stayed together. Somewhere along the way I started to feel as if this baby would never come home with us. I do not know why I felt this way; my "dear" ex used to say that I said that just to be mean to him. But deep in my heart I felt that God was preparing me for that fact. I went to the hospital late on the eveining of October 13 with contractions about 5 minutes apart. At the hospital, during my check-in examination the nurse could not find the baby's heartbeat. After a period of time a test was preformed and I was informed that the baby had died. I now needed to deliver her. At that time I could not understand why they did not whisk me away to an operating room and do a C-section. In the early morning hours of October 14 my precious little girl was born. That many years ago at this hospital they did not deal with a stillbirth the way they do now. The baby was whisked away to the morgue and I was taken away to a room far down the hall.....but I could still hear the babies crying as they were carried to their mothers. I was numb. I could not grieve. I needed to see this little girl that I would never take home. After one day of recovery I checked myself out of the hospital (against my doctors medical advice) and took myself to the funeral home where my little darling was being kept. She lay so perfectly formed in a beautiful little white casket dressed in the beautiful Christening gown that my mother had gotten for her. Her skin color was very dark and she had very dark, curly hair. She looked very peacful. Now 34 years later I have come to terms with the loss and know that waiting for me in Heaven is a perfect little Angel.....Birthday Blessings to you Elaine.

Tomorrow, October 15, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Do you have a baby to remember? 

22 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you had to go through that, Paula. I have never lost a baby but a close friend of mind did and my heart ached for her.

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  2. Your words still have the power to touch me deep, so deep inside.
    I didn't realize it's been 34 years. My boss lost her 18-month old daughter 34 years ago to leukemia. She was just remarking, Jess would have been 42.
    Truly, I don't know which (experience) would be worse. I strongly suspect I just wouldn't have been strong enough to keep going.

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    1. I cannot imagine losing a child that I had cared for for 18 months. Or even one day. Losing Elaine was hard, but I felt prepared for it!

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  3. I'm so sorry for your loss Paula :(

    I, too, have a baby I'm remembering. His name is Aiden. I was pregnant last Summer and sadly had a missed miscarriage in July, and a D&C in August. It was the worst thing my husband and I have had to go through. I'm currently pregnant with my rainbow baby due in December, a girl this time, we will call Olivia. It hasn't been easy honestly, and I struggle everyday trying to be happy. We found out early on that she may have Down Syndrome, and then a couple months after that, we found out she has a heart issue that will require surgery when she's around 4 months old. But, I'd like to think that Aiden is looking out for his little sister and will have her arrive safely

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    1. Thinking of you and Aiden today! I am so excited that you will be having a new baby girl soon. Prayers for her and for you!!

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  4. Losing Elaine must have been so sad. They should have let you hold her as they do these days. I lost a baby at 13 weeks and that hurt so much. I remember some idiot telling it was good that I lost the baby before I got attached but of course I was attached as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I can't imagine the sadness you had.

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    1. Yes, the idiots like that don't know better. I was told that it should be easier since I never heard her cry. What the hell kind of remark is that!!

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  5. So sorry this happened to you Paula and you didn't have a chance to raise your daughter. So true how these days a stillborn's birth is handled so much differently, more compassionately for sure. A dear friend of mine from Montana lost a little girl at 26 weeks. Although she would end up with 5 boys, 4 she gave birth to and 1 they adopted, she will always mourn her little girl, as I know you do too.

    betty

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    1. Yes, I will always mourn her. But if she hadn't left us I would never have known my son Justin. And I wouldn't trade him for anything on this earth!!

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  6. What a beautiful remembrance you've written. I knew you had lost your baby girl, but your remembrance leaves me with a lump in my throat anyway. I do have two babies I remember...neither of them mine, but both in the family. I never knew the due dates of either one, but I know about them and hold them in my heart.

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    1. It is important to remember the lost babies! All in the arms of Jesus now!!

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  7. Dear Paula - how very very sad and difficult for you to deal with ... I cannot think what it would be like ... my mother had miscarriages, but no still borns - others in the family have had ... but not my generation ... what a wonderfully written letter to your Elaine, your little angel ... with a teary hug ... Hilary

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  8. To your darling, daughter Elaine - Happy Birthday - who one day you will see again. My thoughts are with you, Paula.

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    1. Thank you. That is what sustains me....knowing I will see her again!

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  9. My sympathy. My girls are 41 and 44 so I can really identify with you. I don't have a baby of my own to remember but a nephew who died in utero at 34 weeks, it was a tough time. My sister in law wasn't allowed to grieve either...and suffered so. I believe he would have been 39 years old this year. No funeral...his body went to science... I was finally able to take his unfinished afghan off the needles this past year and donate the yarn to the church for prayer shawls. :)

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    1. My boys are now 45 and 41! Our kids are very close to the same age. We did have a funeral for my baby and I am happy for that. I have a tiny grave to visit at the cemetery every year. I imagine taking that afghan off the needles was hard for you

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  10. Thank you for sharing this Paula. I can only imagine how hard this was and still is for you.

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    1. Time has taken away a lot of the pain. I would like to have known the little girl that never was!

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  11. Have you heard of rainbow babies? These are babies born after a mother has miscarried in a previous pregnancy. (My SIL posted about this on her FB page, commenting that two of her children are rainbow babies.) I think that's a beautiful sentiment, but that could just be me.

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    1. I haven't heard of rainbow babies. I have one too!

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