Friday, January 15, 2016

Moving Forward




As many of you know, my word for 2016 is Forward!! I am moving Forward. Or at least I want to move Forward.

After Richard's death I have felt alone and lost. I spent the last three years of his life taking care of him. The last full year I was at his side 24/7! I rarely went anywhere during the day. He needed me. He preferred that I was his caregiver. And I preferred that too! I didn't sleep well at night because I listened for his every breath. And he coughed! He coughed a lot! So, it would only be natural that I felt lost after he died.

I have read the intensity of grief will peak three months after the death. And it again peaks after the year anniversary date! I would agree with this. But, I still am feeling the grief. Intense at times. And at other times it is much more bearable.

I have also read there are four tasks of mourning that a person must do before being able to move forward. They are:

1)Accept the reality of the loss
2)Experience the pain of grief
3)Adjust to an environment in which the loved one is missing
4)Reinvest your emotional energy into other relationships.

I fee I have done one and two! I adjusted to my environment through the final three years of taking care of Richard. Those are the three years I lost my husband and became the caregiver. That is when I learned to do everything just like I would have to do once he was gone. "The only way to
adjust to grief is to move through it."

Now I am working on number four. I am changing my focus to be about others. My grandchildren namely! I am preparing myself for life without them too! LOL. That will be a different kind of moving Forward!!!

18 comments:

  1. Seems like you are moving forward Paula! That is good too that you realize what you need to do about reinvesting in someone else; good too that you are thinking ahead to when the grands aren't physically with you. It should be a good year I think for you!

    betty

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    1. Thank you Betty! And I couldn't do it without the support of a good friend like you!!

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  2. These 4 Tasks are interesting, indeed. While I never experienced such an acute loss as yours, I never allowed myself to observe #2 ... so why should I be surprised I can't complete #4.

    Bittersweet, envisioning your days and nights without Darian and Harley. You're wise to be mentally preparing yourself, but it's never easy.

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    1. #2 just means to feel the pain and not run from it. Like those who avoid talking about their loved one. Or those who immediately get rid of everything so they won't have to think about them. It's important to feel the pain! I need to force myself to open up to new relationships (not with Men!!!!!) so that I won't feel so damn alone! Thank you Myra for hanging with me. You have been a great friend!

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  3. But letting the grandchildren go is a happy letting go. They'll still be around to call and visit.

    Good luck with #4.

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    1. Yes, I hope it will be a happy letting go. I will miss them. And they will still visit and call, I hope. But I will have to find something to focus my time on when they are gone. Maybe I should take up knitting!! LOL

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    2. I saw that LOL after knitting. That will be another thing you and I do over our imaginary shared back fence!!! I'll teach you how to knit and you bring the wine.

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  4. Your 2016 word seems more and more appropriate as time goes on:)

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    1. That is why I chose it Wendy! I NEED to move forward!

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  5. Hi Paula - sadly it all takes time, but the kids will lead you forward and will be with you, even when they're not there - they'll remember everything. Moving forward and thinking forward, all good things to work with ... and let you have options as you go forward ... cheers to you - Hilary

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  6. It reminds me of an Army: Fall in, FORWARD march! But we don't have a drill sargeant to keep us on the path, so we make our own way, and it can be lonely and easy to get lost! But it sounds like you've got a plan and a path marked and are already marching along. It's a lot of emotional work!

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    1. I have a plan and I hope to keep right on marching!

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  7. Yes. The one year anniversary of moms death was very hard for me. Tears and more tears. Thinking of you.

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    1. I've passed that and it was very hard. I hope as we go forward the pain will start to ease off some

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  8. It has to be scary contemplating an empty nest for the second time and this one without Richard by your side to make an empty nest sound appealing. Perhaps as they get older you can join some clubs or travel groups so that you have something on which to focus as they leave.

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    1. I don't think I am so scared about it. Maybe apprehensive. But it will be different. I have been thinking about doing some volunteer work!

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