Thursday, October 29, 2015

Friday Letters

 
It is time once again for my weekly letters. This week I am only writing one.
Bear with me, please!
 
 

Dear Richard:

I miss you. It has been one year, 3 months, 8 days. I thought I was doing very well with this thing called grief. I have good days. And I think of you everyday. How can I not think about you right here in this very house where we spent so many years together. I sit in your chair every single day and watch TV. I hold your remote control in my hand.( ha! ha!) And sometimes, just for fun, I put the little picture in the corner and just read the guide. It makes me feel close to you. And while I am admitting to things that I do to make me feel close to you...I still take the lid off your bottle of aftershave and sniff it. Not everyday now. But pretty often. And sometimes the smell is all I can stand to bring back so much pain. It's not the pain of loving you. That was good pain. It is that painful, empty feeling in knowing that I will never, ever again hear your voice. That I will never, ever again touch your hand or feel your face. I am doing well. And then, out of no where, comes this over-whelming wave of grief and I wonder if I will be able to stop crying this time. I cannot believe there are still tears left in this old body. Tears must get re-made pretty easy, because I still have gallons of them.

I have so much to tell you. I miss you so much. Darian is days away from enlisting in the Marines. I know that would bring a tear to your eye. You were so fiercely patriotic. They burned your flag last week at the high school and spoke a few words about you. Were you watching? Darian said it made him proud to be your grandson. Harley is such a social butterfly. She is an elected officer at FCCLA, goes to all the Buhler football games,(I think to look at the boys, not watch the game) still has to be at church when the doors are open. She misses you too! She still sprays her pillow once in awhile with your aftershave. Says it helps her sleep. And tonight I got a text from Paige telling me she lettered in GOLF!!! Now, I know that would make you bust your buttons. Who guessed it would be Paige who would share your love for the game? Paige made her daddy a quilt for his 40th birthday. Can you believe our baby is 40 now? I haven't heard from Danny since your memorial service. I hope you are watching over him. I keep him in my prayers. It is so sad. But we did all that we could. Don't you think?

Life will never be the same for me. But I will be able to go on.  You taught me well. Well, as well as I would let you teach me. I can just hear you saying, "you are so stubborn at times." Yes, I was! Yes, I am. I am stubbornly continuing to love you. No matter what.

Paula

24 comments:

  1. (((Paula)))) That is what is so hard about grief; you just never know when it is going to sneak up and attack you when you least expect it. It is just that finality of death; never seeing again or hearing again the voice or face of the ones we loved dearly. That is cool about Paige lettering in golf and the achievements of Darian and Harley. Richard indeed would have been so proud. I'm always an advocate of crying and shed tears; I've said it before but God stores all of them. It is so cleansing; you keep crying when you need to. There may come a time when the tears are far apart, but I can only imagine with the great love you guys shared there won't be many of those times when you don't miss what you two shared.

    betty

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  2. As we, and she, went through a series of tragedies and deaths my mother would would say, Well, we can have our own breakdown when this is through. And so it was one day after another until we did reach an end to the fog and could smile and say, Do you remember when...? Keep on going.

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    1. Thanks for that sage bit of advice Joanne!

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  3. Sending hugs and gentle thoughts. Take care - and savor your beautiful memories of Richard. XO

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  4. Dear lady, this brought tears to my eyes. I've said it before, but the love you and Richard share is (yes, present tense!) an exquisite thing.

    ... I'm curious. I never heard of a flag-burning ceremony like you mentioned. Sometime, won't you tell us more?

    Huggers,
    Myra

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    1. When a flag is old and tattered they retire (burn) it Myra. The high school had a ceremony last week during their Help The Community Day and they burned old flags for people. Thank you, sweet lady, for your continued support in my never-ending needs!!

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  5. Thank you for sharing this, my friend. It is a very fitting and wonderful tribute to Richard. Keep strong. Grief has no timeline.

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    1. Thank you Wendy! I always know you'll be here!

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  6. Was Richard a member of the American Legion? Sounds like the Unserviceable Flag Ceremony. Drink some water to rehydrate after crying. Promise? I still have my dad's aftershave bottle. I think it was empty when I picked it ip, but there is still the scent of my father inside after all these years.

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    1. Yes he was a member of the American Legion but this retirement ceremony was done by the high school. I will have to remember that you still have your dad's bottle. I will not throw Richard's away!

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  7. A beautiful tribute, Paula. If there is any missing in heaven, I am sure Richard misses you just as much!

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    1. I hope there is no missing anyone in heaven. It would be so hard on him to be missing me this much!!

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  8. Wow. Your family sounds so wonderful and missing Richard is normal however, I am sorry for the sadness. Chin up and enjoy the life you are given today. It would be so disappointing if you did not. Hugzzz.

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    1. It is a good family Katy! I am enjoying my life right along with missing him!

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  9. I recognize one thing in your grief, that in the midst of life, of fun even, come a thought and an overwhelming moment of grief that only tears can bring to a close. Lots of tears. I now know tears are a good. Always, little Faith comes and licks me. And life is sweet again.

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    1. Maybe I need a little Faith to come lick my tears. I'm here for you Inger!!

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  10. Sometimes grief just hits you upside the head, doesn't it? I'm sorry.

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  11. this touched my heart, praying for you.

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  12. Big hugs sweet friend. I have more to add that hasn't already been said above. xoxo

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