It is time once again for my weekly letters. This week I am only writing one.
Bear with me, please!
I miss you. It has been one year, 3 months, 8 days. I thought I was doing very well with this thing called grief. I have good days. And I think of you everyday. How can I not think about you right here in this very house where we spent so many years together. I sit in your chair every single day and watch TV. I hold your remote control in my hand.( ha! ha!) And sometimes, just for fun, I put the little picture in the corner and just read the guide. It makes me feel close to you. And while I am admitting to things that I do to make me feel close to you...I still take the lid off your bottle of aftershave and sniff it. Not everyday now. But pretty often. And sometimes the smell is all I can stand to bring back so much pain. It's not the pain of loving you. That was good pain. It is that painful, empty feeling in knowing that I will never, ever again hear your voice. That I will never, ever again touch your hand or feel your face. I am doing well. And then, out of no where, comes this over-whelming wave of grief and I wonder if I will be able to stop crying this time. I cannot believe there are still tears left in this old body. Tears must get re-made pretty easy, because I still have gallons of them.
I have so much to tell you. I miss you so much. Darian is days away from enlisting in the Marines. I know that would bring a tear to your eye. You were so fiercely patriotic. They burned your flag last week at the high school and spoke a few words about you. Were you watching? Darian said it made him proud to be your grandson. Harley is such a social butterfly. She is an elected officer at FCCLA, goes to all the Buhler football games,(I think to look at the boys, not watch the game) still has to be at church when the doors are open. She misses you too! She still sprays her pillow once in awhile with your aftershave. Says it helps her sleep. And tonight I got a text from Paige telling me she lettered in GOLF!!! Now, I know that would make you bust your buttons. Who guessed it would be Paige who would share your love for the game? Paige made her daddy a quilt for his 40th birthday. Can you believe our baby is 40 now? I haven't heard from Danny since your memorial service. I hope you are watching over him. I keep him in my prayers. It is so sad. But we did all that we could. Don't you think?
Life will never be the same for me. But I will be able to go on. You taught me well. Well, as well as I would let you teach me. I can just hear you saying, "you are so stubborn at times." Yes, I was! Yes, I am. I am stubbornly continuing to love you. No matter what.