Monday, July 20, 2015

My Simple Woman's Daybook-July 20th Edition

 
For Today...
 
 
Today is Monday, July 20, 2015. The day before the 'horrible' anniversary. (Thank you Myra for giving me that name). It is so hard for me to believe it has been a full year since Richard died. I plan to write him a letter again tomorrow. If you are interested in my Journey you can read these posts. And I wrote him letters after his death, which can be found here.  


Outside my window...

Outside my window the sun is shining. It does keep on shining. It is going to be hot again today. But it is July so it is supposed to be hot. Right? There are wild turkeys eating under the bird feeders. And so many, many birds.  


I am thinking...

Yesterday, when I dropped Harley off at church, I was thinking about this time last year. She left today to attend church camp for the younger kids. Grades K-5. She is going to be a teen helper. Last year was the first year she helped at this camp. She was just getting ready to enter high school. She helped in the kitchen and with filling water bottles last year. Before they (Darian went too) left last year I made sure I had their youth pastor's cell phone number because we knew that Richard's last days were happening. Little did I know they would be gone less than 24 hours before he died. We notified the youth pastor and my ex-daughter-in-law picked them up from camp and brought them home. We kept Richard, here at the house, so they could have time with his body to say good-bye. I could not help but think of this as I told her good-bye yesterday. I wonder if she, too, will remember.  


I am thankful...

I am thankful for the kid's youth pastors. Both of them. Pastor Mark is the one from their very early days at the church. He is Pastor to the little kids (ages very young to 5th grade). He is the one Harley is now with at camp. She loves him very much. He is a father figure to her. Also, Pastor Josh, the teen pastor. Both of these guys have played a big part in Harley, Paige, and Darian's lives thus far. And they have been here for me this past year.


I am listening to...

I am listening to the TV in the background. Not really watching anything. Not really hearing anything. Just background noise.


I am creating...

Harley and I are working on our planners. They are very pretty. In some ways it will be like a journal. One that I can put away at the end of the year and know where we were, what we were doing, what we were eating, and the things I like to keep track of. She is really getting into hers. She will use hers to track her classes, assignments, activities, etc. It has been fun doing this together.


I am going...

Today (or maybe tomorrow) I REALLY am going to empty that aquarium. It needs it's yearly cleaning. I might move it. I can't decide.


I am wondering...

I am wondering lately a lot about afterlife. Do I believe there is one? What is it like? When we die and get to 'wherever we are going' will we see those we once loved? What is your thoughts on this matter??
 


I am reading...
 
I am continuing to read Eeny Meeny by M. J. Arlidge. It is a thriller. And I must say it is a bit gruesome and creepy but I am still enjoying it. Hope that doesn't make me sound too creepy!!
 


I am hoping...

I am hoping for answers! I have so many questions. But I don't have the answers. What happens if one's faith starts to waiver? How do we get it all together again? Do you have any answers? Or are there just more questions? I don't know. I am hoping....


I am looking forward to...

I am looking forward to starting the second year. Will it make any difference? Will the large earthquake that shook my heart stop? Will I begin to heal? Or will I always feel this torn? See, I told you I have lots of questions. I am looking forward to fewer questions.


In my yard...

Two of my geraniums are drying up! Is it the heat? Or a bug? Why do weeds still grow when the grass is starting to die in spots? How do some things thrive while others die? Oh so many questions!!!
 


In my kitchen...
 
 
Monday...Leftover Monday (We had fried chicken with mashed potatoes and corn on Sunday)
 
Wednesday...Sloppy Joes, Chips, Dill pickles
 
Thursday...Granny's having a salad
 
Friday...Chicken Fried Rice
 
Saturday...Cream Cheese Chicken
 
Sunday...Shepherd's Pie

Some of our meals were on last weeks menu but we didn't have them for one reason or another. So I am putting them here again because I have all the ingredients.
 


Last night I dreamed....

Last night I dreamed about Richard. And working at the hospital. Those seem to be two of my most recurring dreams in recent months. I am always dreaming about being behind in my work. Late with charting, late with giving my patients their meds, late even seeing my patients. And then the next shift comes and I haven't done anything! This is a crazy dream that I have had all of my nursing career. It is exhausting. Lately I have dreamed about Richard being 'helpless'. I find him on the floor. He has fallen. He cannot get up without my help. He won't use his walker. He just jumps up and takes off. And falls. Dreams are so crazy. Don't you think??

 


A favorite quote for today...


 


 









 




 
 




 
Post Script



 


 









You will find me linking up at The Simple Woman's Blog. And I'll be hopping around seeing what all the ladies are up to this week. Won't you join me?







 
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32 comments:

  1. I love your quotes and my thoughts will be with you tomorrow. A full year? Wow, that is so hard to believe. Keep your head up and be strong.

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    1. Thank you Felicia. It is hard to believe a whole year has passed!

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  2. Keeping you in my prayers Paula! {hugs} my friend!

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    1. Thank you so much. Friends are so helpful!!

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  3. Sending lots of love your way, Paula.

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    1. Thank you so much Kwiz! It means a lot to me

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  4. You found the perfect quotes for thelast day of your first year! They are beautiful. Your Sunday menu tugs at my heart. When my granddaughter was still a little tyke, she asked is she could start a new tradition: Shepherd's Pie, Star Fruit, and Angel Food Cake for Christmas Eve dinner, because the names of the foods helped her remember the Nativity story. As for afterlife . . . when Offier Friendly was dying, he started naming people in the room with him. Some of us were still living in this world, but others he named had long passed on to the next world, but were with us around his bed. I loved that!

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    1. How sweet of a dinner for GN on Christmas Eve. Shepherd's pie is a favorite of Justin and Darian. They always ask for it on their birthdays. When I worked in the hospital the patients that were dying often saw others that has passed on before them. I love thinking that is true as well! Thank you so much Gram for all your kind words

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  5. I wish I had answers for you Paula but more than that I wish I was there just to sit and cry with you.

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    1. Thank you so much Wendy! Just knowing that you wish you were here helps me so much!

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  6. Oh, you've touched on something befuddles me as well ... the afterlife. In spite of my strict religious upbringing, the older I get, the more questions I have. It seems there's so much contradictory information! And members of the ministry are, after all, human just like the rest of us.
    Wouldn't it be great if God were to just give us a wee hint?

    PS - Have you seen that old Robin Williams movie, "What Dreams May Come"? When all's said and done, I think that depiction's what I choose to believe more than anything else; maybe on account True Love transcends even death.

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    1. I have not seen that movie. Maybe I need to look into it. Yes, I think it would be wonderful if God would come and give a lecture on what it is he wants us to do; what he wants us to believe. I can't figure it out on my own!!

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  7. Hi my friend! Oh how I wish I lived closer to you so you don't have to be there by yourself. The horrible anniversary. That is a very fitting title. I hope that things will be less earthquake like for you, but I know things will get a little shaky from time to time, and that is what your friends are here to help you with. I believe we will see loved ones again. And more incredible people.....like Jesus, of course, and Moses, and Paul....and all those people from the Bible. When my Nanna was dying in the hospital, she not able to communicate, but her eyes told me she was still there and could hear me. I sang to her, and told her stores ( remember when stories) and then I told her that when she sees Moses, not to cause a scene as I was quite sure he does not look like Charlton Heston! The nurses found it quite amusing and said they could tell how much she was loved. There is a lot more I want to write to you, and will be thinking and praying about how to put those thoughts together just for you. Love you! xoxo

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    1. Thank You Ellie!! I'm not by myself. Justin came today. Took the day off work and was sleeping in the recliner when I woke up. He misses him too! Your Nanna was loved!

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  8. Questions are good. They all get answered eventually.

    That sounds like an anxiety dream. Your worries are following you into sleep. Of course. I hope you find some peace.

    I'll keep you in my thoughts tomorrow.

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    1. That is true Liz. All of our questions will be answered someday! Thanks for being here for me!

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  9. I think it is good that you are writing a letter to Richard that you will share tomorrow, Paula. I remember the other letters you wrote to him. I think people's faith does go up and down and can waver a bit but I have found to try to remember how far God has carried me so far and know he will always be with me. I too wonder about the afterlife. I know it will be awesome to be where Jesus is, but I too am curious about how it all works or comes together. I've had similar dreams about not getting my work done or not being able to remember how to do stuff, etc. Awesome about the youth pastors and their influence on your grand kids!!!

    Will say a prayer for you for tomorrow.

    betty

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    1. Thank you Betty. It is true that faith goes up and down. But God doesn't ever leave us, does he?

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  10. Hugs to you.

    You have gotten past so many "firsts" this year. You will get past this as well. Just take big breathes when it seems overwhelming.

    I, too, wonder about the after life and have questions. Questions and doubts. But I decided that the option of no afterlife is just too painful for my brain to wrap itself around. The losses just too intense so I choose to continue to believe there is one and the ones I have lost are there waiting.

    Be gentle with yourself on this anniversary.

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    1. Thank you Elaine. All the 'firsts' are out of the way, I hope. Now I am forging ahead to tackle the 'seconds' LOL

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  11. Your menu sounds delicious! Have a great week :)

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    1. Thank you! I hope it will be good and easy. It is too hot to cook!

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  12. You will be in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers today. Sending hugs. ~ Inger

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    1. Thank you Inger. I think of you often. I know you are meeting all of your 'firsts' head on. Sending hugs right back to you!

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  13. Oh, Paula...I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. One year? Seems like a long time - until you are in your shoes and it's been a year. I can certainly see why you are questioning - your faith, your life, your dreams even questioning you career and maybe even the last days of your loved one. It is natural to go through these thoughts and questions...I have lost loved ones; not a spouse, but parents, grandparents, other relatives...

    And, I do believe there is an "afterlife"...I truly believe, as my brother aluded to at my mom's funeral, that she and my dad were reunited and "dancing across the heavens". I also truly believe she (my mom) was reunited with the mother she never knew, since she died in childbirth. And, I truly believe there will be a day when you will be reunited with your loved one.

    Praying you and your family remember the good, fun times shared while your spouse was with you, and not ill. Praying the memories will carry you on to times in the future you can share with your family.

    Thank you for sharing...prayers are lifted up, Paula!

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    1. Thank you Barbara. We have lots of good memories to sustain us. And a few bad ones that now look so ridiculous as I look back on them. He was a good and wonderful man. Not perfect! But good!!

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  14. Yes, Dreams are so crazy.
    I always dream that I am in the examination hall and I know nothing, can't write anything.

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    1. I used to have dreams like that when I was in nursing school. More like nightmares!!

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