Tuesday, March 10, 2015

A letter to Richard

My dearest Richard:


Most days I am doing really well. I think of you and smile. I have great memories. I am thankful for all that you gave to me during our years together. And then there are the days where every single thing I see or hear makes me sad. Makes me miss you so much that I just can't stand it. Today is one of those days.

I don't know what will trigger these feelings. They just seem to come from no where. When I start to miss you and know that I will never, ever see your face again here on earth. And it is so sad. And I can't stop crying.

I want to hear your voice one more time. I want to see your face crinkle with that very special smile. I want you to tell me that it is going to be okay. Because right now there is nothing that is okay with any of this.

To feel your fingers wrap around mine would be so special and would tide me over until that day when we can be together again. But for right now I am so sad that I will never see you again here on earth. Here, where I continue to live right now. My heart is so broken. I wonder if it will ever mend. I miss you so much.

You told me you weren't afraid of dying. You just weren't ready. I took that to mean that you didn't want to die. I now see that you knew you were dying. You weren't afraid! You just didn't want to leave us. And we weren't ready either. Maybe we never would have been. I wonder if there will ever come a time when a person is really ready to die. I don't think so. Because dying means you are leaving. And the ones that you love so much are staying. It's the separation that makes it all so hard. Don't you think?

I dreamed about you last night. You were in the Suburban driving around a lake. And you were lost. You didn't know how to get to the place you were going. I was with you in the Suburban and I couldn't tell you how to get there. It was so unsettling. You always knew the directions and I never did!

I don't know what you see anymore. I don't know what you hear. I hope that you can see me and hear me. And that you still know that I will love you forever more.....

10 comments:

  1. Sending a hug your way Paula

    betty

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  2. You think you are getting better and then you are blind sided by pain so intense it is like the loss just occurred. I wonder how long that happens? Perhaps until we do meet up again.

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    1. I hope not. I hope it will eventually lighten some. But you might be right!

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  3. I'm so sorry you're experiencing a 'low' moment, Paula. Sentiment can be so fickle. (... and sneaky, besides.)
    Sending hugs!

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    1. Thank you Myra. I am better tonight. It was just a wave a grief that I suspect will be my norm!

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  4. Great hugs, delicious tea, and a warm blanket for you.

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  5. I don't really honestly think this will ever get easier for you hon, it will just get "different". And I so wish that I could do something to help you feel better and make it easier for you, but I know that nothing can really totally take the pain and the sadness of missing him so much. But... I can listen and empathize and send you big hugs and let you know there is someone ( out in this frozen tundra!!!!!) cheering you on and holding you in my heart! Bug hugs for you!

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    1. That means more to me than you know Ellie! Thank you

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