Wednesday, January 21, 2015

HOW CAN IT BE?

I don't look on this day as a day to celebrate. But it is an anniversary. It is 6 months since Richard died. Twenty-six weeks. One hundred and eighty-two days. It feels like the last time I saw him was years ago. Yet when I close my eyes I can tell it was only just yesterday. Yesterday when I picked up his hand and held it so tightly in my own. As if to quietly tell him, "please don't go."

What bothers me the most, I think, is not knowing how he is doing. Is he well again and enjoying the newness of where he is. We will never know the answers to these questions. We, the ones who are still here on this earth. We can only hope that what has been promised is the truth. I can only hope that the promise of seeing him again is real!
Christmas 2004 after his heart surgery

I thought (in all those months when he was so sick yet still alive) by the time that half a year had passed I would be better. I believed that I would grieve his passing. But that I would soon be a part of the living and starting a new life without him. But I'm not. I haven't moved an inch forward. I have yet to clear out his belongings. His shirts still hang in the laundry room. His glasses still lie on the hallway table. His after-shave still sits in the medicine cabinet. Just where everything was before he left. I have no desire, at this point, to change a single thing. 

Is the grieving moving forward? I wish that I could say yes. But when the pain hits me it is as if I just lost him. And the pain is greater than even the day he left. My throat closes up and I can barely breathe. My chest hurts. I sob, those great gulping sobs of someone who is in so much pain. The ones you cry if you have lost someone you love so much. My soul mate. Those who have lost one so close to them know what I mean. This isn't like my father dying. Or my mother. Or in any way grandparents that I never grieved the loss of. No, this is like losing a bit of me. A huge part of my heart. A big part of my life. And parts that I won't get back.
In his beloved Colorado with his three beloved grandchildren
2007

I don't write much about the grief anymore. Because I don't think you, my readers, will find it all that interesting. Because I can hear people saying (or at least thinking) it is time for me to move on. I will NEVER move on. I will NEVER get over missing the person who used to be the center of my world. The first person that I thought of each morning. And the last person I saw every single night for the last 35+ years. I will think of him everyday. I will talk to him every night. And I will continue to count these anniversaries that mean so much to ONLY me.

It has been 6 months. 6 long, fast months.I still don't call myself a widow. I guess I will always think of him as my husband and I am his wife. There will never be another love like this one in my life. Never! 

18 comments:

  1. Thirty-five years is a very long time...a very long love. Such a gift. You don't have to think of yourself a widow yet, but on your income taxes . . . you probably will. You only get to do it for one year. After that you become single. Kind of rude awakening, eh? Uncle Sam keeps us moving forward when we aren't ready to. Peace.

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    1. I didn't know that Gram....yes, Uncle Sam has a way of putting a down on all of it!

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  2. You will never stop grieving Paula, nor should you but you will, when you are ready, start living again. Be patient with yourself. Hugs my friend

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    1. Thank you Wendy! I imagine you are right. I won't stop grieving

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  3. Do we ever stop grieving? I don't think so.

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  4. I highly recommend reading Grief & Grieving it was the last book written by Kubler-Ross and it helped me a great deal with my own personal loss. Whenever you lose whatever is precious to you a part of yourself goes too. I reread Grief & Grieving one year later in my Journey and I found so many things that they spoke about to be true. For me Grief is a Journey and it's one I take every day one step at a time. God bless.

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    1. I have read that book. I studied Kubler-Ross years ago when I was a nursing student. But reading about it and living it is not the same. As you probably well know!

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  5. I think if you want to write about your grief here, Paula, you really should. People have no right to judge you or think that you should be through grieving by now. Even if they have lost a spouse, each person grieves in their own way and I don't think there is any "normal" time of grief.

    betty

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    1. That is what I, too, believe. Thanks Betty. You always have my back

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  6. I don't think you will ever stop grieving totally. It will always be there, but maybe you just learn to function and cope in a different way. A good friend of mine lost her daughter ( age 30) to leukemia 3 years ago now. She cannot talk on the phone to anyone, it causes too much pain and reminds her of her long phone calls with her daughter. Of course, her friends and family are furious with her that she can't get over it by now. But there should be no timetable to getting over losing someone, especially a spouse or child. And you move forward at the pace you can, and no one should set that pace for you, except you. You should write about it, because it is good for you to do so, and get your feelings out and maybe someone can encourage you and pick you up, even when you maybe don't expect that to happen. Sometimes I write stuff for my blog and then delete the whole thing, and still that makes me feel better afterwards. (((hugs)))

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    1. I sometimes do that as well Ellie. Write and then delete. You are right. It often times makes me feel better. Thanks for your support. Most especially for that hug :)

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  7. How spot-on is this ... a true love story never ends. I agree with Betty ... this is YOUR blog and I don't think you should concern yourself what others think is 'appropriate' content.
    Truly, I believe Richard's searching for a way in which to send you a message ... a sign, if you will. Someday this will all make sense, but it's the in-between that's so awful,l isn't it?

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    1. That is what I know we had...a true love story. I hope he finds a way some day some way to communicate with me. That would be so awesome. Yes right now it is awful. Thanks for being here for me. That is very important

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  8. Oooh I like the picture of the sign. I want it in my house.

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    1. You could probably easily make one by painting the saying on an old board!

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  9. Such a testament to true love. I have it and dat inagine. Grieve every day and write whatever your heart tells you to write. And I believe he is good and watching and guiding and will send down little messages of love forever.

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    1. Thank you Patty! What we had was special to me anyway. I know he is watching over me now!

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