What bothers me the most, I think, is not knowing how he is doing. Is he well again and enjoying the newness of where he is. We will never know the answers to these questions. We, the ones who are still here on this earth. We can only hope that what has been promised is the truth. I can only hope that the promise of seeing him again is real!
|Christmas 2004 after his heart surgery|
I thought (in all those months when he was so sick yet still alive) by the time that half a year had passed I would be better. I believed that I would grieve his passing. But that I would soon be a part of the living and starting a new life without him. But I'm not. I haven't moved an inch forward. I have yet to clear out his belongings. His shirts still hang in the laundry room. His glasses still lie on the hallway table. His after-shave still sits in the medicine cabinet. Just where everything was before he left. I have no desire, at this point, to change a single thing.
Is the grieving moving forward? I wish that I could say yes. But when the pain hits me it is as if I just lost him. And the pain is greater than even the day he left. My throat closes up and I can barely breathe. My chest hurts. I sob, those great gulping sobs of someone who is in so much pain. The ones you cry if you have lost someone you love so much. My soul mate. Those who have lost one so close to them know what I mean. This isn't like my father dying. Or my mother. Or in any way grandparents that I never grieved the loss of. No, this is like losing a bit of me. A huge part of my heart. A big part of my life. And parts that I won't get back.
|In his beloved Colorado with his three beloved grandchildren|
I don't write much about the grief anymore. Because I don't think you, my readers, will find it all that interesting. Because I can hear people saying (or at least thinking) it is time for me to move on. I will NEVER move on. I will NEVER get over missing the person who used to be the center of my world. The first person that I thought of each morning. And the last person I saw every single night for the last 35+ years. I will think of him everyday. I will talk to him every night. And I will continue to count these anniversaries that mean so much to ONLY me.
It has been 6 months. 6 long, fast months.I still don't call myself a widow. I guess I will always think of him as my husband and I am his wife. There will never be another love like this one in my life. Never!