Monday, June 30, 2014

Another Page or the Final Chapter?

I am not sure if we have just turned the page on this great book of life, or if we are entering into the final chapter.  Today he does not want to get out of bed. Anyone who knows Richard knows how BIG this is. He fought really hard not to have a hospital bed brought into our home. He was sure that meant he was going to die. He finally agreed to having the air-flow bed and it has been set up in the living room since November. For the most part he is only in it at night. More recently, due to some pressure sores on his bottom, he has been napping in it, in the afternoon. It has now been the fourth day since he has set in the recliner. And today he won't get up from his bed at all. I have been turning him from side to side. I gave him a protein shake for breakfast and he ate a cupcake a bit ago. He is napping now. 

I just made arrangements for Hospice to come once a week and bathe him and I can fill in with sponge baths on the other days. He doesn't get very dirty. I worry about pressure sores so we will monitor that closely.

We received word on Friday morning that Richard's best friend has passed away in Alabama. They were very, very close. I told him on Friday and didn't get much of a reaction. Just, "that's sad. My leg hurts". Very self-centered at this stage, just like a 3 year old. But today I read him the obituary in the paper and he cried quite a bit. He said that he is happy to know "that I will have my buddy waiting for me in Heaven." Breaks my heart in two, but I am happy that Ken will be there also.....  

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Our New Normal...I Guess!

It has been almost 72 hours since we put on the first Fentanyl patch. It seems to be working. He is NOT complaining of pain. He is more awake. But he is very, very quiet. He is now spending more time in his bed. Less time in the chair. I get him up for breakfast and dinner. He eats a bit. Not a lot. He is still taking fluids well. He is very, very weak. The cough is still with us but his cough effort is weak as well. 

So, I guess this is the next step. My cousin left Saturday morning. My son is here now. The kids will return tonight from their mission trip in Chicago. And we will begin to live our new normal...I guess!

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Crazy like a Bed Bug

Today one of my thoughts have been about being "crazy as a bed bug!" That's right. Richard is wide awake but crazy as a bed bug.

“Crazy as a Bed Bug” is an old expression that (according to the website Why Do We Say It) owes its origin to the almost insane antics of a bedbug crawling around on a mattress. Its motions are zigzag, its direction uncertain. Thus, it would appear that the bedbug’s “craziness” was more along the lines of unpredictability rather than dementia.

Looks like according to this explanation I  
should not be using it to describe Richard. But I am.

I think that the drugs are completely gone from his system. I have been using scheduled doses of ibuprofen to control the pain. The hospice nurse came today and we started him on an antibiotic (for a possible UTI) and we are going to try a very low dose Fentanyl patch. They are worn and deliver a continuous small dose over 72 hours. We will see how he does with this. Wish us luck.

Today we are experiencing for the first time the side affects caused by the morphine....CONSTIPATION. Damn this is NOT fun. But we have had some funny moments and I am glad that both of us can still laugh. Because in reality there isn't a damn thing funny about any of this.

He ate well today. He is settled into his bed and sleeping. My cousin and I got some furniture moved around and out. I went and did a little shopping at Walmart. (Yipee, she says with sarcasm). Then we grilled steaks and had baked potatoes and tossed salad. Justin and Paige came from their town, 50 miles away, and ate with us. Then Justin got a SWAT call and had to leave. It was nice to have them with us for a bit. 

I am sipping a strawberry daiquiri and going for a shower then fall into my bed. Thanks for continuing to support me in your thoughts and prayers.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Waking up!

Finally, today, after four days of Richard being in a drugged state he is BETTER! I think the long acting morphine was just too much for him. He is more awake today. More like himself. We will re-evaluate pain meds with the Hospice nurse tomorrow. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to make decisions about. If keeping him comfortable means keep him drugged then I don't know that I am going to be able to do this. It is horrible to watch him in such a coma like state. But watching him suffer with pain is bad too! Hopefully we can find a happy medium. Thanks to all of my blogging friends for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Alive or Just Breathing?

I hate how he is now.
Dead, yet still breathing.
Looking out of eyes 
Glazed over; not seeing.
He looks right at me
But what does he see?
It seems as if he's looking
Somewhere beyond me.
Is this really better?
Than a face filled with pain?
I'm pondering how
I will keep being sane.
I make myself remember
Many months ago.
When we talked about this.
About letting go.
He said he wasn't ready
But he didn't want pain.
I'll honor his wishes.
We'll be together again.

A Quick Update

Just a quick update: It has been a 'low' spot on the roller coaster ride of our lives. Since starting Richard on the long-acting Morphine this past week he has spent so much of his time in a drug-induced sleep. Yesterday he was not out of bed at all. He didn't eat at all. He drank when we woke him and turned him from side to side. He slept for over 24 hours. The kids left early this morning for Chicago on their church mission trip. We did get Richard up and I 'helped' him brush his teeth. He ate a few bites of eggs and toast. Drank a bottle of protein shake and had a glass of grapefruit juice. Justin and Paige just left for home. I will be on my own until tomorrow afternoon when my cousin from Oklahoma gets here. But, we will do okay. He looks comfortable. He looks at peace. I am struggling with where I need to be and how I feel about all of this, but I will be okay too. It is such a decision to make: have him like this? Or more awake and in pain? Such agony for me. Or agony for him! I will keep you updated as I am able.

Friday, June 20, 2014


I almost missed it. Five Minute Friday. We get five minutes to write on a prompt provided by Lisa Jo Baker. This week the prompt is:



I need to let go. Touch it with my fingertips. Feel it with my heart. Tuck it away in the deep recesses of my mind. But release it and move on. What is it that I am talking about. I don't know. I don't think it is an IT. I think it is a HIM. He lies so quietly. I carefully watch his chest to see if it is moving, ever so slightly, up and down. I hearing the steady hum of the oxygen tank in the background. It isn't easy to say that it is okay. To release him and let him go. He says that he isn't ready. But I it because he knows that I am not ready? Do I need to tell him it is okay. I tried. I can't. The words won't come. 

I can let go of the fact that he can no longer walk. I can release the fact that I can barely understand him any longer. What am I holding onto? His very essence. Or is that essence already gone. Have the qualities that I so loved already slipped away. I loved his strength..and now he is weak. I love his courage..and now he is afraid. I loved his charm..and now it isn't there. I loved his humor...and now it is far between times when he can say or do something funny. I'll release all that longing and keep what I have left. What else can I do?


Thursday, June 19, 2014

A Person of Interest

I finished reading A Person of Interest by Ernest Hill last night before I found myself going to sleep. I will admit up front is wasn't one of my favorite books. I am not even sure how it ended up on my TBR (to be read) list. But I started it and kept wading my way through it. Until the end. And I hated the ending.

The book is about a recently widowed lady, Felicia, who moves back home to care for her elderly mother. Her mother lives in a house directly across the street from Luther Jackson and his wife and child. Felicia was deeply in love with Luther at one time and he fell in love with another woman, who became his wife and the mother of his only son. The book begins with Felicia being awakened by a ruckus in the street at Luther's house. His wife and child have been murdered and set afire and Luther is the main suspect. Felicia makes it her business to prove that he didn't do it. I won't give away the ending. But I will tell you that I like things to be wrapped up in a good way. I know that isn't how life happens but that is how I like it. And this book ends crazy. You will have to read it to see who killed his family and if Felicia gets 'her' man.

Moving Through Mud

I cannot participate in today's #30summerdays. The prompt is #OOTD (outfit of the day) and I just can't take part in something so trivial when I have this drugged up man sitting before me trying to brush his teeth and eat his breakfast. I don't care what I have on and I don't care what anyone else thinks of how I look. Not today! I am okay with everyone going on without me. And when my mood is better, I will even go check out what you all are wearing but today I just can't.

Our night last night was NOT good. He woke me up every hour calling my name. He wasn't comfortable. His catheter wasn't draining. He needed a drink. Just something. We talked a bit. He doesn't want to die! He told me that. I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital to see if they could make him more comfortable He gave me a re-sounding NO! He wants to be home. He wants me to take care of him. It is hard. And it is heartbreaking. But him and I, together, have overcome a lot of obstacles. And we will soon get on the right page in this final chapter of his life. And we'll be there together. Come hell or high water. 

One of the things that I have learned about life and about myself as I am going through this with Richard: is that the small things in life REALLY don't matter. I used to be a fanatic about a clean house. That doesn't matter! I used to spend my days working and making more money. That doesn't matter. I used to never leave the house without my hair and make-up perfect. And now, who cares? Certainly not me. Having a dying husband sure puts life in the proper perspective. When he naps in the daytime, I nap. When he is up and awake I am with him. I tried housecleaning while he watched TV but he wants to be able to see me so that limits where I clean. Mostly he sits in his recliner and I sit at my desk. He can see me here. That's what he likes. So that is what I like. 

After our bad day yesterday and our very long night last night, today he seems to be moving through mud. Very slow! Needs more help. Not quite tracking. A bit whiny! And needy! And so am I......

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Fucking Sucks

Today was not a good day at this house. I can't put my finger on exactly why it wasn't a good day. I just know that it was not. I am looking at my husband lying in a drug-induced state in his hospital bed in the living room and wondering if this is how it ends up for all of us. Who calls this a good life. Do we get to make these decisions for ourselves. Or in the end are others making the decisions for us. He is starting to complain of pain. All the time. And everywhere. It is hard to make him comfortable. He is taking more morphine which I supplement with Xanax when the morphine doesn't seem to be making him comfortable. I can no longer tell if he is uncomfortable or would just rather not be here. With morphine and Xanax you can be in 'another world'. We have moved him from the bed to the chair to the bed to the chair....all trying to make him comfortable. I wish I could take some morphine and Xanax and go into another world. Does that make sense? Probably does for those who have ever tried to take care of a loved one in their home who is suffering in some way. 

I am glad that we talked about all of these things years ago before we reached this stage. I know that he does not want to go back to the hospital. I know that he does not want to be kept alive by machines. I know that he doesn't want any more blood transfusions. I know he doesn't want to have pain. And I know that he doesn't want to die. And it is the knowing that he doesn't want to die that is giving me so much stress lately. What do you say to a person who is obviously in the last chapters of their life and they tell you they aren't ready to die. It makes me NOT want to give as much morphine as he is needing to keep him pain free. Morphine can cause one's breathing  to cease. Our Hospice nurse was here today and we discussed this. We are going to start MS Contin twice a day. That is a long-acting oral form of morphine. Then we can use the morphine drops for break through pain. Crap, that all sounds so technical. And there isn't a damn thing technical about any of this. It is emotional! It is exhausting. It is draining. It is NOT like having my mom die in a nursing home. I could not have taken care of her and she was constantly asking when the Lord was going to take her home. It is NOT like when my mother-in-law died after we moved her into assisted living and she fell and broke her hip. She died following surgery and she told us she was ready. 

What it is is long drawn out dying. And now he is suffering. Before, when he wasn't having pain, I could deal with it. But I am NOT dealing with this. I don't understand why it is that God allows people to hang on like this. Yet, I don't want God to take him away from me yet. Can you see how torn I am. This sucks! In fact it fucking sucks!! There I said it and I am not in the least bit ashamed. And I hope that God is listening to me right now. Cause I am mad. Mad as hell. Why does he now have to have so much pain? What is that supposed to teach any of us? Why? Why? Why?

(P.S. I didn't do the photo challenge today. And I don't know that I will do it tomorrow or any other day. Right now I am just going to post this and go pound my pillow and sip on a Tom Collins and see what sleep will bring to me)

(P. S. S.....if there is such a thing! There, now I feel better for ranting and raving)

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Meet Harls Barkley

We are already past the half-way point of June. I am busy getting two teens ready for a church Mission trip to Chicago.Yikes! Scary to let them go for a week to such a huge city. But they will be doing God's work.

Now for today's #30summerdays challenge. The prompt is:

Got a pet? Share them with the world!

We do not have pets at our house. The last thing I need is a dog or a cat to get tangled up in my feet as I am transferring a man who cannot bear any weight on his feet. So here is a picture of our pet:

Harls Barkley
(inside that log is also a plecostomus)

Monday, June 16, 2014

Why I Get Up Every Morning!

I am late posting to #30summerdays today. It is Monday and the prompt today is:

 Monday motivation. What motivates you?

I have to admit that today I wasn't motivated at all. Justin and Paige were here all weekend and we had a busy, wonderful Father's Day. Everyday that we can spend with my husband is a special day, when it is a good day for him. And yesterday was a good day. He ate well, we were able to shower him and he enjoyed sitting on the patio while Justin grilled our kabobs for dinner. Today my brother, Chuck, came and brought donoughts and we had coffee and chatted for awhile. After he left we all took a nap! A long, wonderful nap. So this picture below will show you what motivates me. Each and every single day. They are my reason for continuing to get up and put one foot in front of the other. (Darian is currently not home so I used a picture that was taken last month. He will arrive home late tonight from Wrestling camp in Colorado)

May 2014

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Father's Day 2014

Today is the day we honor the fathers in our lives. I didn't know my own father well enough to really honor him. The few years that I was with him I remember the drinking. The fighting. All the bad stuff. There were no good memories. So I cannot honor this man.

The next father-figure in my life was my step-father. My mom married him just two years after my own father's death. He wanted too desperately to become our father. And he drank. And wasn't the best provider. But in the later years, after the drinking stopped, he is the one who did his best to take care of our mother. And she wasn't an easy woman to take care of. So today I honor him. RIP John and Happy Father's Day.

My first husband is the father to my sons. However,he is really only known as the 'sperm-donor', because he never tried to be a father. He was never there for the boys. He didn't attend their sporting events or their school events. And he lived in the same town. He has grandchildren now who don't like him and one who doesn't even know him. It is sad to think what he has missed out on. But I don't honor him either.

My current husband, Richard, became a real father to my sons. He took on a woman with two young kids. Kids without a dad. And he became their dad. He was strict. But generous. He was stern, but loving. He is 'the' FATHER to my boys. And I honor him today. Happy Father's Day Richard.

My sons are both fathers. My oldest is the father of the two grandchildren that I am raising. He has given up his responsibility towards his children. Drugs are more important. And that is sad. I cannot honor him. My youngest is a fantastic dad. He is divorced from his daughter's mother, but they parent her together. They call each other friends. The stand strong together. He also helps to father the two who live with me. I honor him. Happy Father's Day Justin.

The father to my 'adopted' four grandchildren,is  Marvin. He is the perfect father. The father that I wish I had when I was growing up. He takes his kids everywhere with him. They go on camping trips...just him and four kids. Mom stays home. They love the zoo and the farm. And they visit often. I honor him. Happy Father's Day Marvin.

I have two brothers who are fathers. Happy Father's Day Chuck and Fred. My oldest brother, Chuck, filled in a father role for parts of my life. He walked me down the aisle the first time I married. (Maybe I should kick him for that one). He offers me advice now. Sometimes I listen. Most of the time it is good advice. Sometimes I just ignore him :) I honor them.

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there. Good or bad you played a role in your kid's life. And today is the day we honor you.

#30summerdays photo challenge...the prompt today is:

Happy Father’s Day! Snap a pic or share one of an awesome dad!


Richard and me at Paige's graduation

Tattered, Yet Proudly Blowing in the Wind

Today is June 14, 2014: Flag Day. The photo challenge #30summerdays has this for today's prompt

Flag Day! Got one flying in the warm breeze?

We always have a flag flying at our house. This is a telescoping pole so it makes it easy to put up and take down. This flag is getting a bit tattered by the winds that we have been having so I must go buy a new one. It is a beautiful, yet windy, day here in Kansas.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Nothing about ladders Scare us!

We spent all day outside working...well, Harley and I did! Papa sat in his wheelchair, wrapped in a blanket, supervising us! Today's #30summerdays prompt is:

Friday the 13th! Are you superstitious and ducking for cover, or out and about?

Nothing would make us duck for cover. Not on Friday the 13th. Harley even stared down the face of danger with this over 100 year old ladder that belonged to Richard's dad.

She looks a bit afraid, doesn't she?

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Good to the last Lick of the Spoon

Today is the 12th day of the photo challenge. Carrots 'N' Cake's Tina has come up with some good prompts for the #30summerdays photo challenge. Today's is:

 Treat yourself, it’s almost the weekend!

Who could deny themselves a treat like this? A fudge brownie Sundae....I just finished mowing the grass and Harley and I jumped into the car for a short and fast road trip to Sonic. It was good to the last lick of the spoon. Have you treated yourself lately?

A long, long Journey

It has been a long journey. A long, long journey. And our baggage is getting heavier. I can't carry it any longer. I have to drag it behind me now. And the edges of the cases are becoming ragged and worn. What once was just an easy day has become a day filled with strife. And sadness. And many hard decisions to make.

I am talking about our journey with Hospice. And Parkinson's disease. Along with the dementia. It is an over-whelming journey. One with few rest stops. We just keep going and going and going. 

Richard's joints and muscles are becoming stiffer. Harder to move. They don't bend the right way. His legs no longer support his body. He no longer stands up straight. He can't move his arms very far away from his body. He can't reach a glass of water that is right next to his chair. He cannot turn himself in bed. He cannot sit up alone. He needs support. And he is stiff. Oh so stiff. It hurts him when we move him. And I don't like the grimace that shows on his face. I hate seeing him in pain. He has the typical look of a Parkinson's patient. His face is expression-less. Like a mask.

Last night he didn't sleep. He coughed. He produces a lot of saliva and then it chokes him. I was up raising and lowering the head of his bed. Offering drinks. Administering atropine drops (which help to dry up the excess mucus). Nothing much helped. It is just what happens. So this morning we didn't get up at our usual time. And now he sits at the table with his breakfast in front of him. He doesn't know what to do. I had to walk him through each step of brushing his teeth: rinse your mouth, take out your dentures, pick up the toothbrush, put it in your mouth, rinse, spit and on and on until that simple step was complete. And now we are doing that with his breakfast. Step by slow, agonizing step. Breakfast will take hours today. Some days it is like that. He gets stuck (frozen) and he can't move. Then I will take over and feed him. He doesn't like that. It makes him feel bad. I understand that but you can't take 4 hours to eat a simple bowl of cereal. 

He sits at the table with his head bent forward. He picks at the napkins. He touches then and tries to pick one up. If he manages to get it picked up, he folds it and unfolds it just to refold it again. He stares. At what, I don't know. He drools. It drips from his lips to his chin. His eyes are glazed over. What does he see?  He sometimes answers my questions. More often he is quiet. His speech is so soft. And slurred. And very hard to understand. We ask him to repeat things often. So he does. In the same soft, slurred and quiet voice that we didn't understand the first time.

Few things perk him up any longer. Knowing that Justin (our youngest son) is coming will perk him up. Having Darian (our grandson) here helps too. Darian has been gone a great deal of June. He had Boy Scout camp and now is gone to wrestling camp. That changes Richard's schedule. And changes for those with dementia is never a good thing. He sits for hours in his recliner with the TV on. He stares at it. But I can tell he is not engaged in what is on the screen. He doesn't follow the story-line.
He doesn't follow our conversations. 

I can't take him out in the car any longer. I cannot lift him from the wheelchair to the seat of the car. We can manage it when Darian is here. But it is very hard. And my fears of dropping him are great. He loves to go for car rides. But that is a simple pleasure that we can no longer do. If fact, most of the SIMPLE pleasures of our lives have become great struggles.

He didn't want his pills this morning. And does it really matter? He takes pills to take off the fluid...that in his hands and feet and in his lungs. He takes pills to help with bladder spasms. He takes pills for acid stomach. And pills for prevention of bladder infections. He no longer takes heart pills or pills for his thyroid. Or blood sugar pills. Or pills for Parkinson's. We gave those up more than a year ago. He takes pills for sleep and pills for depression. And then there is the liquid morphine and the anxiety pills. Do any of them really matter anymore? Maybe the Morphine and the anxiety tabs and leave the rest off for a day or two. Constant decisions to be made on his behalf. I can't find anyone to help with these decisions. They don't have much to offer. They say it is up to us...meaning me. I am tired of making decisions. I am tired of all of this. I am tired. 

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Hump Day

Post number two for me today......#30summerdays. The prompt is:

Get over the hump of the week. How were you productive today?

I am old school when it comes to paying bills. I still pay some of them with a check and put them in an envelope and mail them. Some I pay on-line. And I do mostly on-line banking. But it is hard to change an old woman. Our Bank of America was recently purchased by a local (Kansas) family and will be making the change over to that. That is stressful enough for me for one summer. New checks, new debit cards, signing up for our checks to be deposited....I hate those kinds of things. This is when I miss my husband the most.

What are you doing today to be productive??
Do you follow Carrots 'N' Cake for her #30summerdays photo challenge. I post all mine to Instagram as well. 

One Word Wednesday....Beauty

My friend Lisa, at My Sweet Peanut, hosts a blogging event every Wednesday, called One Word Wednesday. She provides the prompt and we write about it. It is geared towards caregivers but I am sure she wouldn't mind if any of you joined.This week her word is:


To say that I find beauty in care-giving would be a lie. Most of it is not fun, entertaining, and by far not beautiful. But there are things about my 'patient' that is beautiful. I find beauty in his hands. I have talked about that before here. I find beauty in his eyes. On the days when they are clear and fully seeing what is going on around him; that is beauty. Mostly they are clouded over and I wonder about what he sees. I find beauty in his smile. Even though he only has two bottom teeth and can't wear his partial any longer. I love that toothless grin of his. It brings a song to my heart and makes me want to dance. But where I find the most beauty is in the way that he loves me. His love of me is unconditional. And I feel it wrapping it's arms around me everyday. No matter what is going on in our day he never fails to convey to me how much he loves me. When I am feeling angry, sad, over-whelmed, ready to be done with it all.....a toothless grin from him and the words "I love you!" centers me and brings me right back to why I am doing this journey. And I wouldn't leave him behind for anything. He is the beauty in my life. 

Now I am linking up with Lisa and seeing how others find beauty in the lives. See you there?

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

What Do You Think?

I am introducing a new series to get some 'back and forth' conversations going with my readers. I would like to know what you think. Whenever I am pondering something, I will come on here and ask:

 "What Do YOU Think?"

At the Miss USA pageant this past week, Miss Iowa, Carlyn Bradarich, was asked whether she thought that social media was spurring narcissism. Her answer was "yes"! I think that was a surprise to most people. But I don't think it is just social media. I think the kids of today are just too used to being photographed. They have been the center of attention since the day they were born. I know of parents who take "pictures of the day", "pictures of the week," and "pictures of the month" of their newborns. And for a long time parents have been photographing their kids every year, on their birthdays. I know of a family, who is very near and dear to my heart, whose kids immediately drop into pose mode the moment mom brings out the camera. They have their special smile, a special way to hold their hands and know how to hold their head. Is this narcissism?

There are so many smartphones, digital cameras, and tablets with cameras that kids can be photographed so quickly and easily and posted to all the social media sites, such as Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, with just the click of a button. Did you know that Instagram is filled with such things as daily photo suggestions like: #MCM (Man-Candy Monday..your favorite guys), #Transformation Tuesday (side by side pictures of kids doing the same thing as a child and now as a teen), #WCW (Woman Crush Wednesday..your best girlfriends) #TBT (Throwback meaning a picture from childhood)#Flashback Friday (like #TBT) #Selfie Sunday (where you take a selfie). Some of the girls take a selfie everyday of the week. Since becoming the quardian/grandmother to a teenage granddaughter I have never seen so many self-absorbed photos being taken. 

Some experts are saying that by over-focusing the camera on kids makes them feel overly important. Other experts say that it is making kids become too self-critical. Tell me what you think?

Do you take pictures every single day? Do you have lots of pictures of your family? Do you think we over-share on social media sites?

From Sun to Clouds in 90 seconds

Already in the double-digits for June. Today's photo challenge prompt is:

-Is the sun out? Snap a pic! If not, what’s it like out there?

Bright blue sky with sun shining

Oops...sun gone

Maybe, just maybe it will come back again!

These pictures tell the story of what our day looks like. Hop on over to the #3osummerdays at Carrots 'N' Cake to see what her prompts will lead us to tomorrow. 

Monday, June 9, 2014

The End of Always

 I do not remember how I found this book. Or who recommended it to me. But, 
 I liked it.  It, for the most part, pissed  me off. For lack of a better way to describe it. It takes place in the early 1900's when women are still considered men's property. It tells the story of a young girl, Marie, who wants to break out of the cycle of women who find themselves married to violent, controlling men. This story leads us through what choices she makes and how they affect her life. I am a sucker for everything working out right in the end, but this story doesn't end that way. Yet, I am happy with the ending. Unfortunately there are still many women in our present world that still suffer at the hands of these types of men. I don't understand it! I will never understand it!

The End of Always by Randi Davenport; her debut novel.

It is Manic Monday (Not)

The weekend is over. I hope that it was good for all of you. Mine was hectic and I am glad that it is Monday. Our house cleared out of our usual weekend visitors (I don't know if we can call them visitors any longer, just extra family that shows up on Weekends) and things are quiet this morning. I HAD plans but it is Monday. And things often don't go right on Monday. Today's prompt on #30summerdays is:

Manic Monday! What’s giving you a case of the Mondays?

looking out my front door
See the water dripping off the house

It is raining....sometimes pretty hard. So there goes my plans for painting outside. I guess I'll find another way to spend Monday. Catch up the laundry.....lay on the couch and read a book...I'll let you know which way it goes. I just finished a book that I have to tell you about. 

How is your Monday going?

Hook up with #30summerdays at Carrots 'N' Cake.

Sunday, June 8, 2014


Do you say Sunday is the end of the week or the beginning of the new week? I have always thought of it as the end of the week. Anyway, here we are on the first Sunday of Tina's 
#30summerdays on Carrots 'N' Cake. Today she asks us:

Time to relax before the start of the week. What does relaxing look like to you?

Underneath that is my son, relaxing!

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Who Doesn't Like a Fresh Front Door?

#30summerdays from Carrots 'N' Cake asks us:

 Saturday! What are you up to?

Can you tell what I am up to? See that blue painters tape on the front glass. Soon will have freshly painted front doors. Color is Sherwin-Williams Dried Thyme.

Saturday Nine

Click to play along

1) This song is about a young man who takes advantage of his "big chance at a high school dance." Share a memory from your high school years. There were no 'big chances' taken by me at high school. I wasn't at all interested in anything but boys. Found one. Married him right after and did NOT live happily ever after. Sure wish I could do that over.

2) Lead singer Steven Tyler is the son of a working mother (mom Susan was a secretary). Did your mother work outside the home? Yes, my mom cleaned houses for other people and took in ironing. She'd go broke now days since hardly anyone ever irons their clothes.

3) Onstage, Tyler takes colorful scarves from around his neck and drapes them over the microphone. Do you accessorize your outfits with scarves and belts? Or do you prefer to keep things simple? No, it would look crazy to accessorize yoga pants and tee shirts. That is all I ever wear. (However my yoga pants have yet to do any yoga)!

4) Tyler confessed to having a massive crush on Jennifer Lopez, his fellow judge on American Idol. Do you think a coworker has ever had a crush on you? Not that I have been aware of.

5) Aerosmith lead guitarist Joe Perry says seeing The Beatles on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1964 inspired him to go into music. How did you end up in your chosen profession?Money! I needed a way to make good money as I had just became the single mom to two little boys. And it only took 3 years of schooling!

6) Perry's hobby, breeding horses, is very lucrative. What are your hobbies? I really don't have any right now. I used to collect dolls and they are all over the place but I don't buy them anymore. I like to garden but I don't get much opportunity to do that. I do like reading. 

7) Aerosmith performed before their biggest-ever TV audience when they played the Super Bowl halftime show in 2001. Are you a football fan? If so, do you prefer college football or the NFL? What teams do you root for? Not a football ban at all. But we watch a lot of college football at this house. My husband is a Kansas State fan and my son is a Kansas University we root for Kansas.

8) Now that we're into summer, the days are longer. When is the last time you watched the sun set?Nearly everyday. I have a huge bay window in front of the house and we see the sunset almost every single day.

9) What time did you go to sleep last night?
Around 1 a.m. Was reading and watching TV

Friday, June 6, 2014

Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock

It has been a long time since I wrote anything about a book that I have read. This book was recommended by a fellow blogger, Kwizgiver at What If This Is As Good as It Gets? Several of my blogging friends are big on reading. And I read as much as I can. But not nearly as much as I used to. I do all of my reading on my Nook Color (the best present I have ever been given). I usually read 'free' books but occasionally I will have my interest piqued by another blogger and I just have to get the book and read it. It was that way with Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. Now there was an interesting read. 
But about Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock...The story takes place on Leonard's birthday and he is planning to kill another kid at school and then kill himself. But first he has to tell a few very special people good-bye. It is a story that is still haunting me even though I finished it a week or so ago. I think it should be read by all high school kids. I fell in L.O.V.E. with Leonard and wanted to become his mother and tell him that none of that stuff mattered and smother him with kisses and chocolate birthday cake.

The author did have an odd style of writing. He used lots of footnotes so I was always having to go forwards and backwards. But they do kind of fit the character of Leonard Peacock. 

You must read it!

National Doughnut Day

Are you doing the #30summerdays photo challenge at Carrots 'N' Cakes? If not you should at least check out all the pictures on Instagram or Facebook...or just enjoy mine here. Today's Prompt is:

National Doughnut Day! Snap a pic celebrating! Or, what did you have instead?!

I didn't go out and get doughnuts (although Harley would have loved that) is my sour dough bread toasted with my normal cup of coffee...

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Five Minute Friday: Hands

Click here to go to Five Minute Friday
It has been awhile since I have done a Five Minute Friday but here I am needing to put some thoughts on paper. Thoughts about what, I am not sure. But I am forever needing to get these things out of my mind and onto paper. So I am going over to Lisa-Jo Baker's (she hosts a link up every Friday. We write for five minutes. We don't over-think it. We don't edit. We just write. Then we link up and visit the others who join in for 5 Minutes). If you will wait right here for me I will go  find out what she would like for me to write about....

This week we are writing about hands


I love hands. You can tell a persons age by looking at their hands. They can hide a lot with make-up on their faces. But you usually can't hide your age on your hands. My hands look just like my mom's hands looked as she grew older. I look at my hands and I remember my mom. I have crazy, crooked  fingers with short thin nails. And age spots. Lots of age spots. Shows that I worked in the sun and never used a lick of sun-screen on the backs of my hands. Wish I could go back and change that but alas I cannot.

I love my husband's hands. Lately his fingers have been 'fat' with fluid. We have had to take off his wedding ring so that we don't have to cut it off later. He doesn't like having his ring off. But I like his hands even with his fat fingers. He has nice nails and soft skin. He likes to hold my hand. We do that often. My granddaughter also likes to hold his hand. 

The chubby little hands of a baby are the best though. With all the little wrinkles and folds. And the way they wrap their whole hand around your finger, in such a trusting way. I miss the babies and their sweet little hands. We communicate so much with our hands, don't we?


A Summer Vacation of long Ago

I had to do a bit of research before I could do today's post for the photo challenge. I had no idea what 'TBT' meant. I looked it up on Google and then I went to the real authority on the subject. My 14 year old granddaughter. It means Throw Back Thursday and you are supposed to post an old photo. Today's prompt is:

#TBT Share a photo from a past summer trip!

In August, 2007, Richard and I took 3 of our grandchildren on a week long trip to Colorado. We have been many, many times to these same places that we took them. And Paige had been before. But this was the first trip for Darian and Harley. Their ages at this time were: Darian, 9 and Paige and Harley were 7. It was quite a trip. Darian would sit and stare at the mountains and say "wow I am in the Rocky Mountains." We stayed in the Lake Isabel area in a tiny little cabin and ate all our meals out. They fished at the lake and we rode the paddle boats. Lots of hiking. This is the same place where Richard and I were married at the lake. We took them to visit Bishop's Castle and the Royal Gorge. I am glad we did this while Papa was still able to get around. They will not forget this vacation. And neither will we.

I wonder what they are looking at?

Sitting in the 'big' chair

Stuck in a hole in the wall

In the Rocky Mountains
I am linking up on Instagram. This is part of Tina's #30summerdays photo challenge found over at her blog, Carrots 'N' Cake.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Life Is Like a Train Journey

A very beautiful and thought provoking message.

Life is like a journey on a train...with its stations...with changes of routes...and with accidents!

At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel on our side.

However, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone.

As time goes by, other people will board the train; and they will be significant i.e. our siblings, friends, children, and even the love of our life.

Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum. Others will go so unnoticed that we don't realize that they vacated their seats!

This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes, and farewells.

Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers...requiring that we give the best of ourselves.

The mystery to everyone is: We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down. So, we must live in the best way - love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are.

It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty -- we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.

I wish you a joyful journey for the coming year on the train of life. Reap success and give lots of love.

More importantly, thank God for the journey!

Lastly, I thank you for being one of the passengers on my train!