Friday, November 14, 2014

I Can't Be Still




 On Friday's I join with Kate Motaung and others for a writing exercise. She provides the prompt and we write for five minutes. We try not to over-think the prompt. Just write from our hearts. We don't edit (I do, a bit I will admit. It is my need to be perfect). The only rule is to visit the person before us and offer them a word or two of encouragement. I try to visit them all. Sometimes I make it and sometimes I don't. So here we go!

Go: 

STILL 




The hardest thing I know is to be still. It takes more courage than I have. I turn on the TV to drown out the silence. I don't want to hear the wind blowing. I don't want to hear the birds singing. I don't want to hear my heart thumping. I don't want to be still. I move about. I stand at the front window and watch the trees move. The cars drive down the street. The mailman moving his truck slowly from mailbox to mailbox. I move to the back window and watch the birds light on the feeders; only to find them empty and fly away. The squirrels scampering about the yard looking for those final bits of food to store away for the coming months. The leaves scattering across the yards and catching in the corner next to the fences and the tall dry, sheaves of pampas grass. I can't hear anything because I won't be still. I turn on the music and I play it loud. I don't have the courage to be quiet. I don't want to hear what my heart has to say. I can't continue to cry. I am so lonely. I don't want to be still. I don't want to examine my heart and the things that are so painful. I watch the clock as the minutes slowly move and the second hand goes around. Another hour comes....and goes. The sun is starting to linger in the evening sky. I refuse to be still. I know the Bible says: Be still and know that I am God....but right now I can't be still.

Stop

22 comments:

  1. You are in my prayers, Paula. Being still isn't ever easy...sitting in the silence and waiting for Him to speak as we read His Word. But when those times come that we can be still a peace settles in our hearts. Hugs to you.

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    1. I don't know that I believe that right now Dianna....but I will try!

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  2. Thank you for your honesty. I will be praying for you to have peace.

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    1. Thanks Brenda...that is all that I want right now!

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  3. It might take a long time Paula, but I believe one day you will be still again.

    Bett

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  4. Paula, I've never visited your blog before but today have spent some minutes reading. I am sorry for your loss. My cousin asked me once, "Why do the good ones have to leave us so soon?" Your husband definitely sounds like one of the good ones. There's no sense in saying that you'll get 'better' because you'll only get 'different' - does that make sense? I know that over time the intense grief will lessen and you'll learn a new way to navigate through your days but the missing will always be there. You are wide open with your feelings and emotions and I think that is very healthy. Somehow, some way, I pray you will feel the tangible presence of the Lord with you today and your heart will be stilled. xoxo

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    1. Thanks for visiting Susan...He was a good one, that is for sure

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  5. You can be still after your jump up and down, scream, holler, shout, cry, stomp your feet and spend some of the anger that is rightfully yours to express!!!

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    1. Thank you Wendy....you are one of the few that is telling me that it is okay to feel that way. I think I have moved from the 'being mad as hell' stage to mostly just crying everytime I think about him. I miss him so much. I know that the holidays are going to be hard.

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  6. I don't think stillness is the be-all-end-all, I agree with Wendy. ;-)

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    1. Thank you Kwiz and I agree with both of you....never will I be the kind of person who can get still enough

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  7. I'm with Wendy too! Stomp and shout away! I sat down today to make a jingle bell skirt for a party that Peyton is going to tonight and had to put on a movie to drown out the silence. And it wasn't even a sappy movie or one about a mother and daughter and it had me weeping into my jingle bells. It's going to take as long as it takes. And winter is tougher. And the holidays put such a weight on your heart with all the memories. Turn the tv up to 20. Whatever it takes! Praying for you friend.

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    1. Oh Lisa thank you so much. We can share our grief and have a good cry together. I am praying for you too!

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  8. Oh, I am so sorry for your loss and so sorry that you are hurting so much. Sending you all my positive energy and positive thoughts.

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  9. Dear Paula, I've found you through FMF today. I am so sorry for your deep and heart wrenching loss.
    These are some of the most honest words I've read: "I don't have the courage to be quiet. I don't want to hear what my heart has to say." Isn't that true for so many of us, and yet we lack the courage to say it? Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart and story here today. Praying right now for Jesus' strength in your weakness, that you may you know his presence with you as you mourn. Much love to you.

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    1. It is just that...deep and heart wrenching. I didn't expect it and I didn't want it! But alas I have to walk through it. Thank you for stopping by

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  10. Beautiful. And totally relateable on a few different labels. I tend to keep the tv on as filler noise as well.

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    1. That is how I want things right now. Noisy

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  11. Me, when I'm nervous or agitated I'll pace ... even if it's round and round the kitchen island. Come to think of it, unless I'm drowsy being still feels uncomfortable.
    I so hope today's a little better!

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    1. I am better today I have good dsys snd bad days

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