Friday, November 21, 2014

Has Anyone Noticed?

Friday is when I wander over to Kate Motaung's blog to see what the Five Minute Friday prompt is. Then I wander around some of the other writer's blog for a bit. Then I head back here and open a blank page. And I write for five minutes, without much thought, without much editing. I just let all my feeling pour out through the tips of my fingers. And hope that I don't offend anyone. Or expose myself too much. Or show you that I am really just a weak and grieving woman with a desire to write..so here goes.







Go


Today is the day. I wonder if anyone will notice. Well besides me, I mean. Because I have noticed every second, every minute, every hour since he's been away. Today marks the fourth month anniversary. Four very long, long months. And then again it seems like only yesterday. I ask myself, "how long will you go on counting time this way?" And I don't have an answer. Because I notice in so many ways that he is no longer here with me. I can't hear his voice. Or smell his smell. Or spend time sharing the little parts of my day. I can't close my eyes and see him anymore. I sit and I wait. I'm not sure what I am waiting on. But I wait. And I cry. And sometimes it just hurts so bad that I don't think I can do this for one more day. My throat hurts with the pain of trying to choke back loud, wailing sobs. My chest hurts when I notice he isn't here any longer. 

I don't know where I am on the grief spectrum. And I don't really care. There are days that I feel like I am moving on. That I can do this. That it really isn't that painful anymore. And then I notice that he's gone and it starts all over again. I'm sure that people who come to this blog wish that I would talk about something else. And I have tried. I really have. But this is the real me. This is what I am all about right now. And I am determined to get through this. I want to feel everything. I want to feel the pain. I want to feel the sadness of no longer being a wife. I want to feel the wonder of what being a widow will feel like. I need to feel every single emotion and go all the way through it. Until I don't want to do it anymore. I am sorry if you are tired of reading about it. I don't write this for you. I write it for me. 

I don't know that in the end I will be okay. I don't know when the end will be. I don't know that there is a reason for everything. But I do know that every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day, I notice that he is gone. And it hurts... 


Stop

10 comments:

  1. I think it is good for you to write your thoughts as you go through your grieving process. Everyone is different and it takes different amounts of time. Hang in there, and keep reaching out with your writing!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You be as real as you need to be for as long as you need to be. Grief pays no attention to time. It moved me the way you started out this post. Those in your life won't always notice as much as you do. But if you give one another grace, they can help you. By encouraging you and being good listeners. God is teaching me so much about ministering to those who are grieving. A good post today!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Traci! And thanks for dropping in

      Delete
  3. As you said, Paula, this is your blog; you write what you want to write. People have the choice to read it or not, but don't limit what you want to write; write as you have always done from your heart.

    betty

    ReplyDelete
  4. You write, we will read....You vent, we will listen....You cry, we will wipe away the tears...Hugs my friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Wendy...you are one of my biggest supporters and I want you to know I appreciate you.

      Delete
  5. It's really important that you write about how you feel. I just wish someone else could live this for you so you didn't have to (it's something I always feel when one of my children is hurt or something's wrong with a family member - I'd take all the hurt for them if I could, just to not see them hurt)....wishing you all the strength you need to get through this (and get through it you will, even though it seems you won't). Best wishes, praying for you. A fellow FMF-er.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for stopping by. I do continue to write and I tell it like it is. Hope to see you in FMF in the weeks ahead

      Delete

I love to hear what you might think. Leave me a comment. I guarantee though that I will delete your comment if you are just here to cause trouble. So tread lightly!