Today is the day. I wonder if anyone will notice. Well besides me, I mean. Because I have noticed every second, every minute, every hour since he's been away. Today marks the fourth month anniversary. Four very long, long months. And then again it seems like only yesterday. I ask myself, "how long will you go on counting time this way?" And I don't have an answer. Because I notice in so many ways that he is no longer here with me. I can't hear his voice. Or smell his smell. Or spend time sharing the little parts of my day. I can't close my eyes and see him anymore. I sit and I wait. I'm not sure what I am waiting on. But I wait. And I cry. And sometimes it just hurts so bad that I don't think I can do this for one more day. My throat hurts with the pain of trying to choke back loud, wailing sobs. My chest hurts when I notice he isn't here any longer.
I don't know where I am on the grief spectrum. And I don't really care. There are days that I feel like I am moving on. That I can do this. That it really isn't that painful anymore. And then I notice that he's gone and it starts all over again. I'm sure that people who come to this blog wish that I would talk about something else. And I have tried. I really have. But this is the real me. This is what I am all about right now. And I am determined to get through this. I want to feel everything. I want to feel the pain. I want to feel the sadness of no longer being a wife. I want to feel the wonder of what being a widow will feel like. I need to feel every single emotion and go all the way through it. Until I don't want to do it anymore. I am sorry if you are tired of reading about it. I don't write this for you. I write it for me.
I don't know that in the end I will be okay. I don't know when the end will be. I don't know that there is a reason for everything. But I do know that every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day, I notice that he is gone. And it hurts...