Monday, September 1, 2014

Six Weeks

Today marks 6 weeks since I lost my beloved husband. Six weeks doesn't seem like a very long time. But, then again, it seems like forever. I know that it may appear to some of you, who have never lost a loved one, that I am dwelling in the past and constantly reminding myself of my sorrows. But, what I am really doing is trying to recognize a new life.I recently came across a post at Bertram's Blog that reminds me that this counting of the time, since his death, could be part of the grieving process.  Something we share with others who are grieving. A new life that is stretched out forever before me. This new life of mine that started the day he died. Like a birthday! Like starting over again.

It seems like others around me have moved on from their grieving his loss. We talk about him. But we don't seem to grieve anymore. Well, they don't. I still do. I still cry almost everyday. I still look for him everywhere I go. I listen to see if I can hear him. I stop and smell to see if his smell still lingers. I touch his box of ashes to see if I can feel him there. I feel, at times, as if I am wandering. Wondering what it is that I am supposed to do now. I guess I am doing it my way. I will move on when I am ready. I don't think one can rush this process. I need to go through it so that I can come out on the other side and be okay. 

18 comments:

  1. I think we all grieve in our own way. We can't question others who may seem to not grieve as much or for as long. When our most beloved dog died, I gave myself a hundred days to cry, well, I am still crying whenever I think of him and it has been over six years. And he was a dog. This was your beloved husband with whom you shared your life for so many years. It will take time, mourn, cry, write about him and your time together, write about your feelings now. Some days will be good, other days not so good; life goes on and it has its own special beauty that you will glimpse some days and other days not. I wish, more than anything, peace for you, my dear friend. And I am so glad you have become my friend, one of the great gifts this year brought me to even out the many hardships of this ghastly summer.

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  2. Grieving is highly personal and different for each person. Recently our family lost a dearly beloved pet. It was a terrible loss for us. Don't get me wrong. I am not comparing this pet loss with your the loss of your husband, but one of your comments ("It seems like others around me have moved on from their grieving his loss. We talk about him. But we don't seem to grieve anymore. Well, they don't.") was echoed recently by my daughter in the loss of this dear dog.

    She and I knew when this dear bull dog, Meathead, passed, it was going to be heart wrenching for us. And it was. He died this past July. A few weeks after it happened she said that it seemed like everyone else had moved on and she was still grieving. Truthfully I can see why she would feel that way. I can now talk about this dear boy without tears - usually. She cannot. But she isn't there when I suddenly am overcome with desire to just see that dear boy one more time, to scratch his head, to kiss his beefy neck, ... she is not there when I am by myself crying ... over a dog ... but still a living being I gave my heart to. She doesn't know that when I see a picture of another bull dog I tear up.

    We are both grieving, but it looks different.

    Again, let me assure you that the pain of the loss of a spouse is beyond measure - but he was no one's spouse but yours. Please, don't think everyone has moved on. What is felt privately in the silence of one's heart is known only to that person.

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    1. That is very insightful Elaine. And that is probably true. I am sorry about dog. I do know that losing a beloved pet can be as heart wrenching as losing a loved one. They become a member of the family

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  3. You are experiencing the feelings of such a great loss. I understand, in my own way, your grief.
    I struggle with letting go of the pain, afraid that if I do, somehow, I will forget. But, of course, I can never and will never forget.
    Your writings are beautiful and important, not only for you, but for all of us who have and are going through the same thing.

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    1. I am sorry that you are going through the same Lyndagrace. And it is a struggle, isn't it?

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  4. You take all the time you need. Thirty eight years is a loooong time. It is never going to go away but other things will start to enter your mind eventually and then more often each day and while Richard will always be there, on your mind, it will not be all encompassing. But when that will happen is anybody's guess. Be patient with yourself.

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    1. I'm try Wendy. But patience is not one of my strong suits

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  5. Everyone does this basically alone, and it is different for everyone. You will feel it for a long time, but eventually you will get through to a time when happy memories are not like a knife in the heart. Keep writing. This is cathartic and necessary to your moving forward in the time that you have here. May you find comfort in your children and in being the matriarch of a fine group of people. They may not talk about it, but they are still grieving. They may think this is less painful for you. Blessings to you and the children.

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    1. Thank you Zippi......and I truly laughed out loud at being called the matriarch...that is what I am!!

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  6. This process is uniquely yours. Never worry that anyone is thinking you should be finished grieving. I am so glad you are continuing to write about it.

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    1. And I am glad that you keep coming to visit me, Fancy

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  7. Six weeks really isn't that long to continue grieving. I think it is harder too to grieve someone who you were so intimate with; best friend, etc. There is that tremendous loss no one else can take the place of. Just take all the time you need, Paula. Its the year of firsts where you'll have to get through the holidays and other special events without him. I'm sure it will be very difficult to do. Not comparing a loss of a parent to the loss of a spouse, but I know after the first year my mom died things seemed to "normalize" (to the "new normal") but it wasn't until last year, 7 years after she died, that it became easier; if this made any sense.

    Like others said, do continue to write about your thoughts.

    betty

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    1. Oh Betty I do know what you mean. It is that way with my mom too. And I have lost two best friends to death and it is really, really painful. One of them I want to share what I am going through right now with and she isn't here. I will continue to write.

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  8. Six weeks isn't long at all.

    My deepest sympathy to you.

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  9. My guess is that anyone who seems like or even says they want you to be through grieving is just wanting to see you in less pain. Or wants to say something kind and helpful. You have so many people who love you and who will understand no matter how long it takes. Be gentle on yourself. Six weeks is hardly any time at all.

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    1. No one is suggesting that I need to be through. It's just that no one but me still seems to be sad. But like they have all told me, everyone grieves differently. I just want to still remember him. I think that is one of my fears....is that I will forget him!

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