Tuesday, September 9, 2014

One Word Wednesday

Each Wednesday I look forward to joining  my friend, Lisa, who blogs at My Sweet Peanut, in her writing challenge. She chooses a word and we write what that word means to us. This week the word is:

CONNECTION

Many, many years ago I met a man. We did not make a connection. In fact, I really didn't like him all that much. I felt he was self-centered, arrogant, cocky, and way too self-assured for me. He was also my boss. But I worked for him for several summers and spent a little time getting to know him. Slowly over time, and two divorces later, we made a connection. He was a bit older and wiser than me. Eighteen years to be exact. But that didn't make much difference at the time. Our connection was made over the blonde heads of two little boys. He did not have any kids of his own. He loved kids. And I had two young sons. He courted me through my boys. I don't know if that was his initial goal but that is what happened. And he was very good at courting. And all of those things that I had initially thought of him were true. But he was also caring, generous, loving, and lasting.

Our connection developed into a romance. A love story. A connection. And it lasted for almost 36 years. I became the center of his world. He never tired of telling others what I meant to him. He was never ashamed or embarrassed. He freely expressed his love to me and to others. Most importantly he loved my sons. And treated them as if they were his. And he became the center of my world. Standing right there next to the other two guys in the center of my world. 

Yes, ours was a love story. It was a journey. We had a connection. It wasn't always a smooth ride. We had our ups and downs. We had our differences. And we expressed them in our own ways. Me more volatile and he more peaceful, but firm. There were times of anger. Just like any couple with a connection. But there were also times of happiness and peace. And we were aging well together.

And then he became ill. And I started to feel the connection loosen. Just a bit. I hung on tight. He hung on tight. But we knew that day would come. And there would be nothing we could do. It is part of the circle of life. It is the natural ending. 

I wonder now if I am still connected to him. I feel that I am. But he's gone. Can you still feel connected to someone who has died? That is an answer that I don't have. That is a struggle that I am dealing with. I don't have any regrets but I do have a wish or two. I wish I had taken more time, at the very end, to tell him a million more times how much I loved him. I wish I had not hurried to call others to come to his bedside but just taken my time to sit there and hold his hand and feel our connection. I wish I had spent more time with him alone before I was surrounded by all the others who loved him too. I want to feel that connection with him again. I want to believe that we will meet again.

Tell us what the word connection means to you. And link up with One Word Wednesday


12 comments:

  1. You truly did have a wonderful connection with Richard, Paula. I still think you have a connection with him; it of course is not the same connection as when he was alive and with you, but you connect through your memories of him, pictures of him, love for him, his love for you, etc.

    betty

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  2. Thanks Betty....I guess I'll have to be happy with that. I do have good memories

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  3. I think I told you this already, but the morning my son was born (and Daddy had been gone for 7 years), I saw him standing in the corner of the hospital room. He's my angel. I looked over, smiled, he smiled back and I went back to giving birth. I didn't think it was strange at all. Once my little man was born and in my arms, I glanced over to the corner just as he was fading away with a big smile on his face and a look for me that let me know he was proud of me. I rarely dream about him and I've never caught sight of him again, but I feel so certain he is still with me. That's what I believe is true...I hope you continue to feel connected to Richard. Forever. What an amazing couple you are!

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    1. I had a visit from my dad (who died when I was 7) on the night before I got married the first time. I wish he would have warned me that I was making a mistake. But then again I would not have had my sons...

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  4. You can answer that question Paula and you did answer that question when you said that you still "feel" connected with Richard. What more is connection than a feeling? I feel connected to you and yet we have never met face to face. Richard is there, I am sure you can feel his arms around you if you silence your mind long enough. Hugs, my friend.

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    1. Thanks Wendy for the hug. I haven't yet been able to silence my mind to see if I can feel him or hear him. But I hope that day will come

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  5. I just love your last paragraph. Good question that I can answer for myself. I haven't lost a spouse but my father was murdered when I was 9 (I'm now 40). That pain and the memories never go away. I feel him with me all the time. He worked for the railroad, and even I am no where near a train track or station, I always hear the train whistle. It may be in my mind, I don't know. But I do know he's with me and I do still feel connected. Best wishes to you.

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    1. It is painful and the memories right now are just what keep me together. Thanks for visiting Shannan.

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  6. It was really fun to learn how you met.

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  7. I couldn't begin to express what 'connection' means to me any more beautifully than you 've done, here. Paula, I wholly believe Richard is observing this whole panorama... 'busting his buttons' in pride for his Lady.

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I love to hear what you might think. Leave me a comment. I guarantee though that I will delete your comment if you are just here to cause trouble. So tread lightly!