I am going to apologize in advance for how dreary and down my daybook entry may feel today. But it is what it is. Today is my estranged oldest son's 43rd birthday. Although I don't long for a reconciliation (too much to explain today) I do love him and miss him. So Happy Birthday to my son! It is also 8 weeks ago this afternoon that Richard died. And it is not getting easier. If anything I think each day that I wake up and he is not here it is harder. In the beginning I felt like it wasn't real. And now that the reality is settling in, I just can't stand it. Too much. I want to wallow in it. I want to talk to him. I want the world to stop. But it can't...so here we go with My Simple Woman's Daybook Entry. Please go visit The Simple Woman's Blog and link up your entry.
FOR TODAY...September 15, 2014
Outside my window...It is cloudy and dreary. But the temperature is still around 75. So nice. But you can tell that summer is nearly over.
I am thinking...I am thinking that grieving for one's husband is harder than anything we will ever have to do. Ever!
I am thankful...I have probably said this before but I am thankful the years we had him and for all the good memories.
In the kitchen...Right now I hate the kitchen. I was the same way when our oldest son left home. Without the full family here I just can't see any reason to cook. Or eat together at the table. I hope this passes...my grandchildren deserve better.
I am wearing...What I always wear. Black yoga shorts and a royal blue tee shirt. No shoes.
I am creating...Nothing! I haven't the energy or the desire right now.
I am going...to wallow in my grief until I don't want to anymore. I might lose readers and at this point I don't care. I want to write about what this is like. I can't talk about it with others. So it will be right here on these pages. That is your fair warning.
I am wondering...why people offer the platitudes they offer to someone who is grieving. "It will get easier", "He's with God now", "He's no longer suffering." I don't want to hear any of it. It's not getting easier. I am not positive there really is a God. And I'd take him back even with his suffering. Does that make me terrible?
I am reading...James Patterson Crossfire. Probably I'll be reading it for awhile. I just can't get lost in a book at the moment.
I am hoping...that I am not going to feel so sad for the rest of my life. Egads, I might live 20 more years. And who will want to put up with me like this??
I am looking forward to...another time!
I am learning...that no matter what anyone tells you, this is harder than you will ever know. Losing a husband is harder than losing a child, a mother, a father, a grandparent. I have lost all of those and THIS is harder.
Around the house...Thankfully I have Darian and Harley. And they are great at dusting, vacuuming, mowing and even feeding themselves. But I need to get off my butt today and do some laundry.
I am pondering...What really (I mean really) happens to you after you die. We won't know, will we, until it happens to us. I hope there is a place we go where we can meet our loved ones again. But we just don't know......
A favorite quote for today...
One of my favorite things...Looking at Richard's picture and remembering him as I miss him so much.
A few plans for the rest of the week:more of the same..take kids to activities, fix meals, do laundry, mourn
A peek into my day...