Monday, September 15, 2014

My Simple Woman's DayBook-September 15th Edition

I am going to apologize in advance for how dreary and down my daybook entry may feel today. But it is what it is. Today is my estranged oldest son's 43rd birthday. Although I don't long for a reconciliation (too much to explain today) I do love him and miss him. So Happy Birthday to my son! It is also 8 weeks ago this afternoon that Richard died. And it is not getting easier. If anything I think each day that I wake up and he is not here it is harder. In the beginning I felt like it wasn't real. And now that the reality is settling in, I just can't stand it. Too much. I want to wallow in it. I want to talk to him. I want the world to stop. But it can't...so here we go with My Simple Woman's Daybook Entry. Please go visit The Simple Woman's Blog and link up your entry.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
FOR TODAY...September 15, 2014

Outside my window...It is cloudy and dreary. But the temperature is still around 75. So nice. But you can tell that summer is nearly over.

I am thinking...I am thinking that grieving for one's husband is harder than anything we will ever have to do. Ever!

I am thankful...I have probably said this before but I am thankful the years we had him and for all the good memories.

In the kitchen...Right now I hate the kitchen. I was the same way when our oldest son left home. Without the full family here I just can't see any reason to cook. Or eat together at the table. I hope this passes...my grandchildren deserve better.

I am wearing...What I always wear. Black yoga shorts and a royal blue tee shirt. No shoes.

I am creating...Nothing! I haven't the energy or the desire right now.

I am going...to wallow in my grief until I don't want to anymore. I might lose readers and at this point I don't care. I want to write about what this is like. I can't talk about it with others. So it will be right here on these pages. That is your fair warning.

I am wondering...why people offer the platitudes they offer to someone who is grieving. "It will get easier", "He's with God now", "He's no longer suffering." I don't want to hear any of it. It's not getting easier. I am not positive there really is a God. And I'd take him back even with his suffering. Does that make me terrible?

I am reading...James Patterson Crossfire. Probably I'll be reading it for awhile. I just can't get lost in a book at the moment.

I am hoping...that I am not going to feel so sad for the rest of my life. Egads, I might live 20 more years. And who will want to put up with me like this??

I am looking forward to...another time!

I am learning...that no matter what anyone tells you, this is harder than you will ever know. Losing a husband is harder than losing a child, a mother, a father, a grandparent. I have lost all of those and THIS is harder.

Around the house...Thankfully I have Darian and Harley. And they are great at dusting, vacuuming, mowing and even feeding themselves. But I need to get off my butt today and do some laundry.

I am pondering...What really (I mean really) happens to you after you die. We won't know, will we, until it happens to us. I hope there is a place we go where we can meet our loved ones again. But we just don't know......

A favorite quote for today...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
One of my favorite things...Looking at Richard's picture and remembering him as I miss him so much.

A few plans for the rest of the week:more of the same..take kids to activities, fix meals, do laundry, mourn

A peek into my day...
 
 

20 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear of your grief. I think it is very normal after only 8 weeks to feel the way you do. Give yourself plenty of time ...

    I do believe there is a God. He promises to be found if you genuinely seek Him. I hope you will consider asking Him to make Himself known to you. And then, be actively expectant for an answer. He's not a genie we can ask wishes from and get instant answers from but if you are sincere He will show up in the most amazing ways!

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    1. I used to believe that too. But now, I wonder. I wonder through all this pain. Thank you for your visit

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  2. Rest assured Paula, God is there with you through this pain and he understands your questioning and your anger. He is a very patient God and will wait for you until you are ready to see past the pain. Bless you my dear, I pray for you daily and never apologize for the way you mourn...everyone mourns differently, there is no right or wrong way.

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    1. Thank you Wendy.....I hope you are right. And thanks for the prayers. I just don't want to run everyone off while I get this all out. For, I fear, if I stuff it all done I will never be through with the grief!

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  3. I think it's good that you are able to write your process. Grief is so difficult to navigate. Sending you much love.

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    1. Thank you so much Allison. I need all the love I can get right now

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  4. Please don't apologize, Paula, for being honest about what you feel. I cannot imagine your loss. I also cannot imagine myself reaching out fir help in your shoes, but I do wonder (never having been through this) does Hospice just ... leave? Is there not some kind of continuation of care fir you, the living after one's lived one is gone? That just doesn't seem right.

    I had waves of grief overcome me for 5 years after my divorce even though I knew it wasn't healthy for me to stay in the relationship. That should tell you how irrational, powerful and enduring that beast can be.

    You HAVE to go " through the motions" for those dependent on you. That goes without saying. But you can continue to wail and rage and curl up into fetal position if that's what it takes to get through your days. I don't think you'll find judgment or desertion from your blogging friends.

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    1. Yep, I am surprised too that Hospice just left. My nurse came by the week after the Memorial Service (because she was on vacation for the Memorial Service) but that is it...haven't seen or heard from them since....

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  5. Don't go worrying about losing followers/readers/whatever you want to call us. We're your friends, and friends stick together.
    ... I'm certainly no expert, but I'm pretty sure God's not going anywhere either.
    Love you, lady!

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    1. Thank you so much Myra. I needed that tonight!!

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  6. Paula, it is your blog so blog what your heart wants you to blog. Your true friends will stick with you. I too wonder what happens after one dies, but what I do know is Jesus says in the Bible (John 14) that he is going to go to prepare a mansion for us. I figure there will be lots of mansions there filled with people we know and love. He keeps his word, so I trust there is a heaven and we will see our loved ones again.

    betty

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    1. That is what I want to believe Betty!! Thanks for being here for me

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  7. I am hoping.....that you realize that Paige, Harley, Darian, and I will take you in any condition we can get you for the next 20 years and many, many more.

    We understand your grief, we all share in it in varying degrees, and I am always going to support you and love you.

    I love you and miss my snarky, cranky, sweet, caring, old battle axe of a Mom who refuses to pull forward yo wait in a drive through so they will get you your order faster (with extra spit, but hell I'm a cop I've probably already had my fair share of burgers :) )

    Anyway, this was much sweeter, caring, articulate, and well written earlier but I have managed to delete my post 3 times already... or maybe all of them will post and you all can see my downward spiral... but regardless the sentiment is the same in all of them:

    I love you, the kids love you, and from reading your blog I have no doubt you internet family loves you. There is no hurry to get "better" cause you are mighty damn good the way you are.

    Love,
    Your Son

    P.S. Get out and take a walk for me today so I'll have ya as long as possible. ;*

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    1. Whoa, whoa, whoa....a comment on my blog from Mr. I hate all social media himself. I love you, son. I know that you all love me. You are my reason for getting up in the mornings. I have told you before, YOU are my rock. I wouldn't be anything without you guys. I'll be back to my snarky, cranky battle-ax self sooner than you like.....:)

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  8. As a writer, particularly a blogger, it's my opinion that transparency and honesty are so important. You have both those. It just so happens life sucks. There is no running or hiding. I honestly cannot fathom what you are going through. However I appreciate your testimony through it.

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    1. I'm with you here....my favorite blogs are the honest, transparent ones. And yep life does suck. Thanks for contining to visit me

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  9. I think you have to write what you are feeling or it will eat you up. We are all going to stick with you for as long as it takes because we care about you. I think your son Justin is pretty fabulous, judging from his response - I wonder where he gets that (you). Keep sharing. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers every day. Keep those grandkids close and take your time.

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    1. That is what I'm doing Lisa. I'm glad you are here with me. My son is the best son ever! But please don't tell him. His head is already big enough....

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  10. My heart and prayers are with you. I can't imagine the pain of losing your husband. I pray God will give you strength and comfort. My grandfather passed away 6 years ago, this week again my grandmother told me how much she still misses him. How much she wishes he would be here for my sister's wedding on Saturday. I am sure the pain of losing your lifemate, never goes away. But I pray God will sustain you as you go through each day, until you are together again someday. <3

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    1. Yes, I do imagine, we will miss them everyday, for the rest of our lives....Thanks for visiting Amy

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