Friday, August 8, 2014

Fill Me Up

No more Five Minute Friday at Lisa Jo Baker's site. I guess I missed that annoucement with my moments of grief last month. I am glad that she is passing the baton on to someone else. As writing for Five minute Fridays has been very important to me in the past. So now we all just need to head over to Heading Home and share our writing. Same concept. Same Rules. And this week's prompt is:

Fill

Fill is a strange word, isn't it? Especially now that I feel so empty. I am not ready to fill my days with anything but my grief. I can't even begin to think of how I will fill the time that I used to spend taking care of Richard. And sometimes being so resentful. And sometimes wishing I didn't have to take care of him. And yet he filled my heart with so much love. Anyone who knew us as a couple knew that he loved me so much. And I hope that they also knew that I loved him. As I type these words my eyes fill with tears. They will soon start to run down my face and then I will begin to sob. I know this because it happens everyday. The pain fills me to the top. There is no room for anything else right now. Just pain. I hide it when the kids are home. I try to carry on and show them that we will be
okay. I don't want them to worry. I don't want them to see their grandma as weak. I need to fill them with love. I need to fill them with care. I need to show them that even though our lives have forever changed that we will be okay. So everyday I pray for God to fill my heart with peace. I just want to find some peace from this overwhelming grief that I feel. Fill me up!

14 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. However, I think through writing this and other pieces and the love you have for your family that things will start to get easier. The memories will last.

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    1. Yes they will. Thanks for stopping my maplebrownsugar!

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  2. I am filled with gratitude that I have been chosen to share this difficult time with you.

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  3. You are one of the things that fill me up, Miss Paula. I look forward to seeing your posts and your comments and reading your strength and sorrow and seeing these wonderful pictures you are sharing. Grief will last as long as it needs to. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. Keep praying - God is with you.

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  4. I hope that writing about your grief, sharing your pain with us, helps some. May you be filled with peace, I know you already are filled with love.

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  5. I wish you wouldn't hide your grief from the kids. I think they would step up to the plate and be there for you if they knew how you were hurting. I was thinking that it would open a dialog between you and them that would honor Richard. Just a thought.....

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    1. They have been here plenty Lisa. They have seen me cry and scream and pound a pillow. And sob. They know that I am hurting. They are hurting too. I don't always hide it. Sometimes we all hold each other and cry together. I just don't feel they need to see how it is so painful at my very core. Darian already has some anxiety issues. I don't need him to feel he has to glue himself to my side. I try to share with them....just not all of it. Does that make sense??

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  6. (((Paula))) I continue to pray for you, that you will be comforted by God.

    betty

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  7. It doesn't matter that death is a release from the pain for the one who goes ahead. We can't internalize that and make it work for that great big hole that's in our hearts. Never the less, and I know this from experience, that hole heals slowly, and life goes on. It's a little early for this advice I know, but make sure that you have lots to share with Richard when you meet again. Life goes on, and we really don't forget them. It does get easier to breathe, though. And to live and to smile. Love you.

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    1. Thank you so much for these words Zippi! I love my readers too

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