Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Dealing with Death
Early on last year I discovered a book called Grief: The Great Yearning. It is written by Pat Bertram. I also read her blog which is called Bertram's Blog. And while I read her book, I knew what I was going to go through in the future. She suffered extreme grief when she lost her life/soul mate. Her writing made me cry. It is raw. It is deep. And it is exactly what I am going through right now. When he died she thought he would rally because he, too, had plummeted so low and then came back. Just like Richard.
I knew that Richard was going to die. But I wasn't ready for him to die. I didn't want to let him go. We had so much more to talk about. So many more places to visit. We have grandchildren to raise, for Christ sake. Even when taking care of him was so hard, losing him was even harder. And living without him seems like it will be impossible. I am constantly finding something that I want to tell him. Only to be jerked back to the reality that he is no longer here. He is gone! I can't talk to him anymore. Although, I do. I talk to him all the time. Especially at night. After the kids have gone to sleep. Kids deal with grief in such a different manner and I am afraid of letting them see how raw my pain is. I don't want them to hear me talking to Papa. I don't want them to worry that granny is 'crazy' or that she is going to join Papa. I need to cry. I need to scream and pound my pillow. I need to be pissed off. I am mad as hell that God took him away from me.
I, like Pat Bertram, knew that I was going to be sad. But I didn't know that it was going to feel like my guts had been ripped out. I know that I have to go on. For the kids. I have to put my life back together and decide how I will look at his chair and not find him sitting there with his crazy, two toothed smile. That I won't hear him say "I love you too, sweetheart" ever again. The pain is tremendous. I didn't expect it. Even when I read Pat's book I would tell myself: "it won't be like that for me because I will be prepared." But you cannot prepare for the finality of death.
As I sat next to his bed and held his hand he took his final breath. And with it he took my heart away.