Monday, August 18, 2014

A Month That seems like an Hour or a Year

It has been a month today. Four weeks. So hard to believe. It seems like Richard just died an hour ago. I still feel the raw pain as if it just happened. And yet, so much has changed since that day, that it feels like it has been a year. But a month! Four weeks. Twenty-eight days. However you want to refer to it...today marks an anniversary. One month.

One long month. I still feel him in the house. Yesterday, while setting the table for dinner, I placed four place settings instead of three. When the kids reminded me I burst into tears. It just doesn't seem right to sit at the table with just the three of us. His place is empty. There is such a void. I think it is time to mix everything up and everyone sit in a different spot. I don't like the empty spot where Richard used to sit. And I don't want to start eating in the living room. In front of the TV. That would be so easy to do. It would fill that void. But I think family's should eat at the table. I think kids have better manners if they eat at the table. I want to hear about their days. Without the TV interfering. 

I don't wash clothes everyday either. It is strange how losing just one person changes the way that everything is done. His loss touches every area of my life. The grocery shopping. My routine. Eating. The laundry. All of these things are not things that I thought about before. What I did think about was that his absence would be great. And it is.

I don't think everyone else misses him the way that I do. I feel like everyone but me has moved on. I wonder if there is a proper time to grieve. I wonder how long it is acceptable to keep crying. I feel guilty every time I cry. I feel like people are looking at me and thinking "she needs to move on. It's been a month, for goodness sake." I know that people aren't saying that. I am sure no one is even thinking it. That is what, I think, is bothering me. That no one is any longer thinking about him. Remembering him. He's just gone. It's like he moved away.  He is somewhere. I'm just waiting to hear from him. 

I know that this blog is no longer very interesting. Maybe it never was. It was all about Richard and my life. My hard life. What a whiner I was. I have read over some of those previous posts and I would go back to all that whining in a heartbeat. In a New York minute. If it put him right back in that hospital bed, right here in my living room, I would go back. I have thought about making my blog private for a time. Then all of you wouldn't have to keep finding the right things to say. I know that you are getting tired of telling me how sorry you are. Hell, I'm getting tired of it. I try to find other things to write about but all I can think about is death.  

Tomorrow will be another day.


14 comments:

  1. I think shaking up the routine could be good, Paula, with moving around the table or where people sit. I do agree with you, sitting at the table and sharing is a meal and conversations is essential in family life. I too would continue it. Maybe one night a week in front of the TV; the kids and me would do that if my husband was out of town when they were younger. I would continue writing out your thoughts here; its your place to write what is on your heart and griefing and missing Richard is that part right now. I don't think there's an acceptable amount of time for grieving; everyone does it in their own pace. I know my mom said after my dad died (I think I might have said this before) she was in a fog for 6 months afterwards.

    betty

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    1. When Richard and I were raising our boys we always liked it when he played golf or bowled because we took our meals in front of the TV. It was a treat. Thank you Betty for sticking by me

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  2. You certainly don't need to apologize to us and please don't hide your blog. We still want to be part of your life. Please be patient with yourself. Heck, I don't think the grieving every stops and it has only been a month. Wow, a month already.....hang in there Paula.

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    1. Thank you Wendy. I bet you are right that the grieving will never stop. Maybe it will just get less painful! I am glad you are sticking by me too!

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  3. A month really isn't very long considering how long you were together. How much time you need to grieve is totally up to how you feel. This is what is in your heart right now and our job is to listen for as long as you need us to.

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    1. You are right Jeanette. A month isn't very long, is it? Thank you for being here when what I need are friends right now

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  4. "I know that this blog is no longer very interesting. Maybe it never was....What a whiner I was."

    I hear depression talking. I know its depression because what you say has nothing to do with reality. Back before Richard died, I often marveled that you were able to blog about anything else but him--and your life with him--yet you often did. I consider you a strong person, for what it's worth.

    You might want to consider anti-depressants, just for awhile.

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    1. Yep, Snowbrush, it is probably depression talking. I am going through all the stages that is for sure. Right now I am hung up somewhere between anger, bargaining and depression. Maybe I just need to allow myself to keep trudging forward. Thanks for coming by and helping to 'pick me up'.

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  5. I would miss you so much! And you're bananas if you think we aren't interested and think you're whining. I'd have to get in my car with Mom (let's think about that for a minute!) and track you down to find out what's going on.
    Sadly, I don't think there is an "agreed upon" time for grieving. Mine didn't start til Daddy had been gone for almost 9 months...I chose avoidance instead! I think what you are doing is healthier. It's right for you. Just don't get caught up in feeling guilty for the times when you aren't crying.
    And PLEASE stay with us! Please! I would miss you too much!

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    1. I'll keep trying to hang in there Lisa. And I thank you very much for hanging in there with you!

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  6. Love what Lisa just wrote! May I just, "Ditto, Ditto, Ditto!"
    Seriously, I'd really miss 'seeing' your posts, Paula. Please don't worry about what others' think and just concentrate on YOU. Take all the time you need.

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    1. The kids go to bed at night and I cry! Is that concentrating on me?

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  7. Hi Paula .. it's certainly not uninteresting - we all learn from your journey and now your loss. You will adjust, but you have so many wonderful memories of Richard and the life you shared ... it's way too early for now - just do what you do ... and we'll be here with you - many thoughts .. HIlary

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    1. Thank you Hilary. I don't know if I am trying to teach but I hope by writing about it others can see how hard losing a loved one it. And it does help me work through it all.

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