Monday, July 7, 2014

Monday Mournings!

This has not been a good day! Richard is resting comfortably, so it is not about him. It is about me. It's okay to once in awhile have a down time that is about me, isn't it. Well, indirectly, it is about him. My son stayed over again last night so that I could have two nights in my own bed. I went to sleep to "Army Wives" and woke to a nightmare. In my dream, Richard was lying on a slab. With the tag on his toe. And that familiar V-shape from the autopsy. I jumped out of bed, crashed into the bed rail and raced into the living room. There he was, sleeping peacefully in his bed. Justin was in the recliner watching TV. I sat with him and cried a bit as he comforted his mother from a STUPID nightmare. See how we revert to our childhoods? Now son comforts mother. I kissed Richard and told him "I love you" He opened his eyes and smiled. I headed back to bed.

But not back to sleep. Did not want to bring that dream back. So I watched another episode of "Army Wives." Didn't want to get up this morning. But when I did it was to a text message from my Hospice nurse. We had it all set up to start with a home health aid coming to bathe him and give me a break. She was to come today. Well guess what. Now she wants to come on Thursdays. I don't understand all these time and day changes that take place with Hospice. I am one of those "on time" to a fault people. If I say I am going to be somewhere, I will be there if it kills me. This is why I quit with the aid before. Geeze is it really that hard to put people's names on a day and keep on schedule? I'm afraid I lost it with my Hospice nurse. The nurse that we love. She comes every Wednesday, sometime between 3 and 4. Without fail. Why can't these damn aids do the same thing?? It is beyond me. Now I am starting off with a bad feeling about a new aid and I haven't even met her yet.


I am exhausted. It is not easy for me to ask for help. And EVERY TIME I do something like this happens. What the hell kind of lesson is God trying to teach me? I have had enough. I don't want anymore lessons. I just want help. I am wondering if It is time for a new Hospice. I hate to give up my nurse but the rest of her organization needs a major over haul.

Darian and I bathed Papa. I am so blessed to have these kids. I turned off my phone and I slept all afternoon. Now I have a yummy breakfast casserole in the oven for supper.

God grant me a better Tuesday. Please.  

16 comments:

  1. Oh Paula, I can truly understand your frustration with the aide. I think I might consider looking into a new hospice. I'm with you; I like my appointments to remain the same, except of course emergencies, but even then some consideration for disrupting people's schedules. Glad you did have help to get Richard bathed today. That is an awful nightmare you had, I hope it never returns. You do need some time to yourself, I know sometimes people focus on the patient, but the care giver needs their down time too. I hope you can get more of it in the coming days.

    betty

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are right Betty about the time to myself. However, anyone who is a caregiver, especially of a husband/wife knows that you can never get away. He is always on my mind. I am always calling to check. I might as well stay by his side. At least this way I know how things are...does that make any sense.

      Delete
  2. Bless. Just bless your beautifully broken heart. If I were near I would help. That is what is hard about my helping nature- I want to be there, to lend a hand, a rest, a reprieve from what is burdening another. I hope that you are getting some time for YOU. Remember YOU? Yes. Take time for you, and it is entirely okay.

    I am thinking of you. Get rest.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. It helps me to write and have my blogging friend supporters. Like You!

      Delete
  3. You are certainly entitled to have a down time that is about you!! Hang in there Paula. Richard is clean today. Let the aide come on Thursday and start a new schedule. Richard gets the bonus of an extra bathing this week and you will get some respite for a bit. Hugs, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know that is how I should feel Wendy. But it just irritates me to think they can't keep to a schedule. Once they make one they need to keep it. I UNDERSTAND emergencies but there has been so much of this with this Hospice. And even when I verbalize my frustration it doesn't seem to change them. I guess I have to work on myself......sigh! I just want him taken care of

      Delete
  4. I'm so sorry to hear of your fright. Thank goodness your son was there to comfort you!
    Not sure how old this Hospice aide is, but that would annoy the heck out of me, as well. Seems so many of the 'new' workforce carry with them a sense of entitlement. Wishing you a restful eve!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Myra. It has been pleasant

      Delete
  5. I am sorry for your nightmare and for your bad experience with the aid. I do hope and pray tomorrow will be a better day of you. Thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Paula - I am so sorry. Terrible nightmare and inconsistent help are more than you should have to cope with. That sounds like such a frustration with hospice; I cannot imagine they think that is ok to do to families going through what you are. Please DO let us know about yourself - you definitely can unload because that might be the only way we help is by listening and caring. I pray for better support from Hospice for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THank you so much. My Hospice nurse always has the right thing to say. She always brings me comfort. But I don't know if it is helping much anymore....I am just getting so tired.

      Delete
  7. I am baffled by the number of times home health changes or calls last minute or shows up an hour or more later than our "scheduled" time. And they always have a reason or they act as if being on time is completely out of their hands. It makes me crazy! I am so glad you got to rest. And breakfast for dinner is one of the great joys of life. Praying for an easier tomorrow. And for super-strength - that kind that lets you lift a car if you need to!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It baffles me as well Lisa. It is as if we are not important at all. Just their schedules. When if it wasn't for us, the patients, they wouldn't have a schedule. I am just at a crossroads here in knowing what it is that I want to do.....

      Delete
  8. If you can get a new hospice, do so and fire these folks that are just adding stress to your life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is going to be my main topic of discussion with my Hospice nurse tomorrow!

      Delete

I love to hear what you might think. Leave me a comment. I guarantee though that I will delete your comment if you are just here to cause trouble. So tread lightly!