Friday, July 25, 2014

Misery

I wonder how long it will take for this gut-wrenching pain to go away. I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on and then handed back to me in tiny little pieces and I am supposed to do something with it. I knew I would be sad. I expected to mourn but this is so much more than what I expected. I have cried until there are no more tears. I am destroyed.

 No one can possibly know what this is like until they have lost someone. The person who held my heart in his hands. My soul-mate, my life mate,and my best friend. He was my partner, my buddy, my lover. I looked up to him. I leaned on him. I needed him more than I ever needed my mother or my father. More than ever I needed a brother or a sister. More than a son or a grandchild. He knew me...inside and out. I look for him. I smell him. I hear him. He is everywhere, yet he is gone. And I hate it! I don't understand it. And yet he is at peace. 

BUT I AM NOT!

Every day is hard. Each new milestone is ripping me apart. The house is empty. The hospital bed is gone. His wheelchair and walkers are gone. The lotions and potions and medications: all gone. And he is gone. And he will never, ever come back.

Not that I wish that for him. That would make me selfish, wouldn't it? But I would give a million dollars to look over the top of this screen and see his face, lying on that bed, smiling back at me.

I am waiting. Waiting for the services to be over. Waiting for the pain to ease. Waiting for,whatever my new life will be,to begin. But right now I am grieving. In a way that I never expected.

 This is the hardest part of the journey that we were on together for the past 40+ years. Back to when I first met him. When I really didn't like him much. Back when he was married to someone else, and so was I. Back to when he was my boss and I was an employee. Back when the sun used to shine. Back when there was hope and a future. One that neither of us knew would bring us to where we ended our life together on Monday, July 21, 2014 at 5:10 p.m.

28 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry, Paula. There are no words that will help right now. Time is the only thing. Time will heal your pain.

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    1. Thank you Jeanette! You are right...it will just take time.

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  2. I'm so sorry, Paula. Caring for Richard so encompassed you that your void is that much greater for having so many tasks disappear along with his very essence. It might take you quite awhile to pick up with your new life and find a new rhythm. There are no words that can take away your pain. I can only say we pray for your recovery from such deep sorrow and suggest that Richard would do all he could to ease your pain if only he were able.

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    1. That is exactly what it is....the void is huge. He took up all my day and many of my nights and the quiet is just awful. But I will carry on even though it will take some time.

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  3. Sending love and prayers and strength and peace and hugs and compassion and hope for healing. God bless you Paula.

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  4. So so sorry for all of the hurt. I don't know how long it will take to feel "better" - or maybe that's not even the word - but take however long you need to grieve and don't let anyone rush you. I am praying that peace will begin to fill your heart a little at a time and push the pain out.

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    1. Thank you for saying this. I think that is exactly what my problem is. I am rushing myself. I just need to feel the pain and grieve.

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  5. Grieve my dear Paula....you deserve at least that ...when will it end.....never....when will it ease....your guess is as good as anyone's, even if they have been through this themselves....and I haven't and I dread the day I might.....and I selfishly hope that it is Frank left to do the grieving. No that we love you and we are here for you. There are no words we can say to comfort you but comfort is what we pray you find.

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    1. I know exactly what you mean Wendy. But I am glad that Richard went first. He loved me so much (and I am not saying that to sound all braggy, it is just a fact) that I don't think he could have gone on. I have two kids to finish raising. Thank you for being here Wendy

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  6. You had a great love together and I don't think that dies. Now you have to live through a different kind of pain, but once you come to the other side of it, I do believe, I have to believe that the love you had for so many years will be with you in some form to sustain you. Please don't be upset with me if this sounds weird right now. Sending love. ~ Inger

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    1. Doesn't sound weird at all Inger. It is exactly what I am feeling. I know that my love for him will sustain me through this.

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  7. I am so sorry, Paula. I've not lost a spouse so I can't emphatize, but I can sympathize with your grief. I wonder down the line if you might find some comfort,if available, at a grief support group or widow support group?

    betty

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    1. That is not my way betty. I am a private griever. Well, except for the world reading about my pain on my blog....this is my support group. Thank you so much for being my friend

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  8. My heart aches for you Paula. I know there's nothing I can say to make your pain go away. Time, I believe, will help, but it will never go away. Please know I am thinking of you and praying for you. How are Harley and Darien?

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    1. Thank you for asking. Darian is a trooper. He holds things in. I hope he will be okay. He is a typical American male. So, NOT like his grandpa who was a crier. Harley is good. She grieves loudly and publicly and has received a lot of awesome support.

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  9. Oh Paula, I wish I could wrap you in a big hug and tell you everything will be all right in the morning. This life and death business sucks, doesn't it? Love the picture you shared, and the happiness on your face. (A cruise, perhaps?) ... for the good times.

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    1. Wish you could too Myra. There just might be a cruise sometime in my future.

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  10. No words can help. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just keep breathing. Someday this crushing pain will be less and you will slowly build life without him, one day at a time.

    It will never be the same, but breathing will get easier. And so will living.

    You are in my prayers.

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    1. That's my plan Elaine. One Day at a time!!

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  11. Beautiful honest post Paula.
    You are in my prayers and on my mind.
    Life is relentless as it pushes us forward this I know for certain. Pray. It helps.
    love always my friend, Lisa x

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    1. Thank you LIsa. Yes, life is relentless.

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  12. The pain of grief is always such a shock for me. My love and thoughts to you. Take care.

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    1. It is a shock to me as well. Much harder than I ever expected

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  13. Dear Paula - grief expressed so so clearly ... my thoughts as these early days pass ... your love shines through .. many thoughts - Hilary

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    1. This will get me through it....writing.

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