I wonder how long it will take for this gut-wrenching pain to go away. I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on and then handed back to me in tiny little pieces and I am supposed to do something with it. I knew I would be sad. I expected to mourn but this is so much more than what I expected. I have cried until there are no more tears. I am destroyed.
No one can possibly know what this is like until they have lost someone. The person who held my heart in his hands. My soul-mate, my life mate,and my best friend. He was my partner, my buddy, my lover. I looked up to him. I leaned on him. I needed him more than I ever needed my mother or my father. More than ever I needed a brother or a sister. More than a son or a grandchild. He knew me...inside and out. I look for him. I smell him. I hear him. He is everywhere, yet he is gone. And I hate it! I don't understand it. And yet he is at peace.
BUT I AM NOT!
Every day is hard. Each new milestone is ripping me apart. The house is empty. The hospital bed is gone. His wheelchair and walkers are gone. The lotions and potions and medications: all gone. And he is gone. And he will never, ever come back.
Not that I wish that for him. That would make me selfish, wouldn't it? But I would give a million dollars to look over the top of this screen and see his face, lying on that bed, smiling back at me.
I am waiting. Waiting for the services to be over. Waiting for the pain to ease. Waiting for,whatever my new life will be,to begin. But right now I am grieving. In a way that I never expected.
This is the hardest part of the journey that we were on together for the past 40+ years. Back to when I first met him. When I really didn't like him much. Back when he was married to someone else, and so was I. Back to when he was my boss and I was an employee. Back when the sun used to shine. Back when there was hope and a future. One that neither of us knew would bring us to where we ended our life together on Monday, July 21, 2014 at 5:10 p.m.