Monday, July 28, 2014

Life Goes On

I still have to get up every morning. I still have to cook and clean the house. Even when my heart is ripped to pieces. Life goes on. The grass still grows (and needs mowed), the sun still shines. People still smile and laugh. Life goes on. We still have to eat and drink and we still have to live. I have two kids to raise to 'full-term'. I always thought that was a funny term indicating the end of pregnancy. Full-term is when they are out of the house and standing on their own two feet. In my mind anyway.

The clothes still need washed and folded. I have held his close and tried to inhale his very essence. It's slipping away. His smell is dwindling. I open his aftershave bottle and sniff. I put a drop on my pillow at night. I know I have to go on living. But there are moments, I will admit, when I don't want to. I want to join him. I miss him so much. I knew that it would be hard. But NOT this hard. No way can one prepare. I just will keep moving forward: one day at a time. One step in front of the other. And cry. Until I am dry. And then tomorrow I will cry again. 

Memorial Service is ready to go. It will be this coming Saturday at 4 p.m. It will be a really special service. We have friends speaking and grandchildren participating. The Boy Scouts are involved and the Army is coming! There will be an awesome music/picture video that I hope to share here later on. He was a special man. He will be missed.

But, life goes on............

28 comments:

  1. "No way can one compare."

    Now, that's a frightening thought. I know that things are supposed to get easier, but Peggy was just crying for our schnauzer, Baxter, and he died in 2010. People talk of "closure," but I think it's a stupid and shallow term that is mostly used by those who are uncomfortable with the grief of others and thus try to force it below the surface. Our vice-president is often made fun of, although I don't know why; I just know he has survived losses that would have surely killed me, yet when I think of him, I always see him with a smile upon his face. This tells me that such grief as you are experiencing is survivable, although I'm sure I'm not the one to tell you how.

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    1. That's what I wonder Snow. Will it get easier. And I feel the same way about the word "closure". That will never happens. I know I will survive but I am hating every moment of it. And that is just being truthful!

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  2. I won't begin to tell you how your grief will go, but I can tell you that after my Daddy died I thought I would never be the same. I would never laugh or smile or find joy in everyday things. I was so sad. I worked myself into exhaustion because it was the best way for me to cope. And eventually I got back to a more normal way of feeling. I still missed him. I remember jumping up to call him after the Browns made the playoffs (and he'd been gone 3 or 4 years by then) and it took my breath away. And that's as far as I got. Time didn't make me miss him less. Time didn't make every Father's Day and birthday and holiday feel any less incomplete. But I did find my joy again and that is what I am praying for for you. I think a love like yours is too big. You guys were too connected. But you are a fighter and a surviver and a nurturer of those grandkids. Take as long as you need. Cry as much as you have to...or want to. Just try not to feel guilty the first time you find yourself having fun or not mourning. Richard loved you and your spirit and joy and sense of humor. God's got His hand on you. Take your time and know how much we are all praying for you. Keeping you in thought, Lisa

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    1. I felt that way about my mom too Lisa. I always thought "I need to tell mom" But she was old, and ready to die (and maybe so was Richard) but this pain doesn't equal what I felt with mom. I miss her everyday but never did I feel the weight was so heavy that my heart was crushed. Thank you for sticking with me. I am sure everyone is sick of hearing about it

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    2. for the record - I never get sick of anything you have to say. I traipse back here every day or so to "check on you". I feel like I've known you forever and as you may have guessed...I am all in with my friends and family! So, you're stuck with me for as long as there is a way to stay in touch!!! Thinking of you every day. Fingers crossed that you find a moment of peace now and again. You are one heck of a woman!

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  3. I can't pretend to fathom the heartache. In every post I hear how much you love him. I'm so sorry for your loss. I am praying that you can find peace and rest.

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  4. My thoughts are with you and my heart aches with even a glimpse of what it can understand of this - I can not imagine.

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    1. I know that someday, somewhere, he and I will meet up again. Until then I miss him so much I can't hardly stand it

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  5. It does sound like a good memorial service for your dear husband, Paula. I remember my mom saying after my dad died that she was in a fog for 6 months; she never totally got over his dying even though she remained a widow for over 40 years afterwards. You will always miss your husband, Paula; as you know. What a special love the two of you had.

    betty

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    1. I know that I, too, will remain a widow. There will NEVER be another Richard.

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  6. I posted this on fb last week. I was thinking of you but I was also thinking of Pops and my brother because their birthday was on the 24th. "The truth is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to." Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler. I don't know who these authors are but I couldn't have said it any better. You are strong and you are on the right track. Keep walking, one step at a time, one day at a time, and know that our thoughts, prayers and support are with you.

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    1. I am sorry about your Pops and brother. I read a lot of Kubler-Ross as a nursing student. I just didn't believe her at the time....it is an unfathomable pain

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  7. One step in front of the other has gotten you this far. It will serve you well into the future.

    One suggestion. A close friend of mine lost her husband. She joined a widows group where she learned the value of walking in the grieving and healing process. The counselor suggesting walking every day, walking until you are fatigued, walking when your heart is breaking, just keep walking. She started by walking around a 2 mile lake. It wasn't enough. She walk the lake 2times around and finally got some of the relief she was looking for. It was short lived, but she would get a lifting and she did it every day for well over a year. She said she sometimes cried on those walks too. But she said it saved her life AND her health. And every day the relief feeling increased a bit. She could think of him and their life together without falling apart. She got thinner and got more energy. Not a bad coping mechanism I say. :-)

    Think on it.

    It is worth a try.

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    1. I will try it. Right now I can't get off the chair....but I can't sit and cry forever. It will kill me and bring down my teenagers and I need to help them with their grief

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  8. Dear Paula - you've expressed how you feel so well - I've been thinking of you and now reliving your feelings with you. Life does go on ... it helps eases that pain and loss ... Saturday sounds like it will be very special and you've got everything the way you'd like it - that helps with the memories too ... I'll be thinking of you on that day too .. It's wonderful you've got the Scouts and the Army joining you - but more importantly your grandchildren and the family ...

    Be at peace with all you've done ... and my thoughts to you with Richard forever in your heart - Hilary

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  9. Paula this was so gun wrenchingly beautiful. Hugs to you and your family. What always brought me comfort and still does ten years later is knowin' my Dad is no longer in pain but in peace rejecting with the angles. I pray you will find peace and comfort too,

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    1. Aleshea, the pain is gut wrenching!!

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  10. A year and a half after losing my mom, I still find comfort in slipping on her baggy sweater.
    You have a tough time ahead and I wish you well in this journey.

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  11. The memorial service sounds wonderfully fitting for a Great man. A celebration of a life well-lived.
    ... you wouldn't have missed it for the world!
    So many wishes for peace and new-found strength, Paula.

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    1. Thank you so much Myra. He was the greatest man I ever knew and I have given him to my Lord now. I thank you for the wishes and the peace.

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  12. You have now entered the actual hardest time, the time after. These may be just words but real wishes for Comforting are sent from my heart to yours, Paula, to you and to the kids.

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    1. You are right Zippi...this is far harder than taking care of him!!

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  13. I wish there was something I could say to comfort you. Just know that I am here, reading your words, feeling your pain, hoping you will get through the weeks ahead, and then come outside one day and feel the sun again. And smile, perhaps.

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    1. Thank you Inger! I am hoping for that day myself

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  14. Dear Paula: Just to give you some hope: I still have my father's aftershave bottle. When he passed away 12 1/2 years ago, it was empty. I asked my mother if she wanted it and she did not. Despite being empty, I can still smell it and it smells like my dad. the scent is still there, but I don't open the bottle too much anymore. It lasted long enough to get me through losing my dad. I wish the same for you.

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    1. I have taken Richard's last bottle of aftershave and divided it up with two of my granddaughters and myself. I like to spritz it on my pillow at night. They spray their teddies....

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