Friday, June 20, 2014

Release


I almost missed it. Five Minute Friday. We get five minutes to write on a prompt provided by Lisa Jo Baker. This week the prompt is:

Release

Go

I need to let go. Touch it with my fingertips. Feel it with my heart. Tuck it away in the deep recesses of my mind. But release it and move on. What is it that I am talking about. I don't know. I don't think it is an IT. I think it is a HIM. He lies so quietly. I carefully watch his chest to see if it is moving, ever so slightly, up and down. I hearing the steady hum of the oxygen tank in the background. It isn't easy to say that it is okay. To release him and let him go. He says that he isn't ready. But I wonder...is it because he knows that I am not ready? Do I need to tell him it is okay. I tried. I can't. The words won't come. 


I can let go of the fact that he can no longer walk. I can release the fact that I can barely understand him any longer. What am I holding onto? His very essence. Or is that essence already gone. Have the qualities that I so loved already slipped away. I loved his strength..and now he is weak. I love his courage..and now he is afraid. I loved his charm..and now it isn't there. I loved his humor...and now it is far between times when he can say or do something funny. I'll release all that longing and keep what I have left. What else can I do?

Stop

15 comments:

  1. (((Paula))) So powerfully written with your words; I truly understand what you were conveying here with your thoughts about release. My 25 year old son has had his share of troubles he has brought on to himself with choices he has made, he keeps me on my knees in prayer a lot. One day I had the realization that I am so afraid of something happening to him that I would not be able to handle, his death, being in jail, being paralyzed, etc. I realized so much what I was holding on to with it. I'm trying to release hi, but it is so hard. Different situation with you and your husband, but I do understand.

    betty

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    1. Betty....I have been there and done all that with a son as well. He is now almost 43! I let go of all that when Richard got sick. My son had brought on all his troubles himself. And we have given him so much and I can't do it anymore. Richard didn't ask for this and he is who I will try my very best to focus on....

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    2. Bettty, I so understand what you are are saying here about being so afraid of something happening. This was my situation with my dad, and throughout the ordeal I always thought the only way it could be worse on me was if it were my child instead of my father, with these horrific, self imposed issues. I wish you peace and strength and I hope you can release it and be at peace with that. I never was able to.

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  2. Beautiful and heart-breaking. I think of release also as catharsis. May you find cathartic moments as you process these memories, losses, moments. Thank you for sharing!

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  3. I wonder if that line between essence and memory isn't indistinguishable?
    This post is really poignant, Paula; particularly, the last two sentences.
    No matter the situation, I appreciate your ability to make me reflect.
    Hugs,
    Myra

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    1. I am always happy when you visit Myra. Thank you!

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  4. Yours is a true love story. When they say through better or worse, in sickness or in heath they need to say as Paula loves Richard. God Bless you my friend.

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    1. Thank you Wendy.....and as you know, there are many times I wish I didn't love him or he me; life would be so much easier then!

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  5. Paula - you've been writing so beautifully and heartbreakingly about your recent days. I don't know if there's any difference between "I don't want to die" and "I want to live" or how the quality of life affects those two statements. I feel like you are teaching us so much about a journey we are all traveling in one way or another, and having you share so much of yourself and your raw emotions is such a gift for me. I can only hope your writing provides you some solace, release, and deeper understanding as you continue in your quest to care for Richard.

    You are an amazing woman - honest, open, and a true embodiment of the "in sickness and in health" part of our marriages. My prayers continue to be with both of you.

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    1. I don't think I am at all amazing! But thank you for saying so. There are days that it is all too hard...and those days seem to be coming faster and closer together

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  6. No words are adequate from me to you at this time. Know that both of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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