I cannot participate in today's #30summerdays. The prompt is #OOTD (outfit of the day) and I just can't take part in something so trivial when I have this drugged up man sitting before me trying to brush his teeth and eat his breakfast. I don't care what I have on and I don't care what anyone else thinks of how I look. Not today! I am okay with everyone going on without me. And when my mood is better, I will even go check out what you all are wearing but today I just can't.
Our night last night was NOT good. He woke me up every hour calling my name. He wasn't comfortable. His catheter wasn't draining. He needed a drink. Just something. We talked a bit. He doesn't want to die! He told me that. I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital to see if they could make him more comfortable He gave me a re-sounding NO! He wants to be home. He wants me to take care of him. It is hard. And it is heartbreaking. But him and I, together, have overcome a lot of obstacles. And we will soon get on the right page in this final chapter of his life. And we'll be there together. Come hell or high water.
One of the things that I have learned about life and about myself as I am going through this with Richard: is that the small things in life REALLY don't matter. I used to be a fanatic about a clean house. That doesn't matter! I used to spend my days working and making more money. That doesn't matter. I used to never leave the house without my hair and make-up perfect. And now, who cares? Certainly not me. Having a dying husband sure puts life in the proper perspective. When he naps in the daytime, I nap. When he is up and awake I am with him. I tried housecleaning while he watched TV but he wants to be able to see me so that limits where I clean. Mostly he sits in his recliner and I sit at my desk. He can see me here. That's what he likes. So that is what I like.
After our bad day yesterday and our very long night last night, today he seems to be moving through mud. Very slow! Needs more help. Not quite tracking. A bit whiny! And needy! And so am I......