Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Fucking Sucks

Today was not a good day at this house. I can't put my finger on exactly why it wasn't a good day. I just know that it was not. I am looking at my husband lying in a drug-induced state in his hospital bed in the living room and wondering if this is how it ends up for all of us. Who calls this a good life. Do we get to make these decisions for ourselves. Or in the end are others making the decisions for us. He is starting to complain of pain. All the time. And everywhere. It is hard to make him comfortable. He is taking more morphine which I supplement with Xanax when the morphine doesn't seem to be making him comfortable. I can no longer tell if he is uncomfortable or would just rather not be here. With morphine and Xanax you can be in 'another world'. We have moved him from the bed to the chair to the bed to the chair....all trying to make him comfortable. I wish I could take some morphine and Xanax and go into another world. Does that make sense? Probably does for those who have ever tried to take care of a loved one in their home who is suffering in some way. 

I am glad that we talked about all of these things years ago before we reached this stage. I know that he does not want to go back to the hospital. I know that he does not want to be kept alive by machines. I know that he doesn't want any more blood transfusions. I know he doesn't want to have pain. And I know that he doesn't want to die. And it is the knowing that he doesn't want to die that is giving me so much stress lately. What do you say to a person who is obviously in the last chapters of their life and they tell you they aren't ready to die. It makes me NOT want to give as much morphine as he is needing to keep him pain free. Morphine can cause one's breathing  to cease. Our Hospice nurse was here today and we discussed this. We are going to start MS Contin twice a day. That is a long-acting oral form of morphine. Then we can use the morphine drops for break through pain. Crap, that all sounds so technical. And there isn't a damn thing technical about any of this. It is emotional! It is exhausting. It is draining. It is NOT like having my mom die in a nursing home. I could not have taken care of her and she was constantly asking when the Lord was going to take her home. It is NOT like when my mother-in-law died after we moved her into assisted living and she fell and broke her hip. She died following surgery and she told us she was ready. 

What it is is long drawn out dying. And now he is suffering. Before, when he wasn't having pain, I could deal with it. But I am NOT dealing with this. I don't understand why it is that God allows people to hang on like this. Yet, I don't want God to take him away from me yet. Can you see how torn I am. This sucks! In fact it fucking sucks!! There I said it and I am not in the least bit ashamed. And I hope that God is listening to me right now. Cause I am mad. Mad as hell. Why does he now have to have so much pain? What is that supposed to teach any of us? Why? Why? Why?

(P.S. I didn't do the photo challenge today. And I don't know that I will do it tomorrow or any other day. Right now I am just going to post this and go pound my pillow and sip on a Tom Collins and see what sleep will bring to me)

(P. S. S.....if there is such a thing! There, now I feel better for ranting and raving)




16 comments:

  1. I am so sorry Paula. I can feel your pain in every word. I wish he wasn't hurting so badly, but I am thankful for your nursing degree. I have you in my thoughts and you shouldn't feel ashamed for telling it like it is!

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    1. Thank you Lisa. We had a horrible night as well. But today is another day. It is cloudy and dreary and I think we will all just take an easy day and nap and read a book!

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  2. I am so sorry, Paula, I don't know why either God allows what he allows. I know we live in a broken world and there will be pain and suffering. I know why we have the pain and suffering because of the sin Adam/Eve allowed in when they disobeyed God. I sit and I type medical reports all day and sometimes I get cynical with what I read and what I know and what I see. Hubby and me have had multiple talks about end of life issues for us as well as that silly corgi of ours. No one wants to die, we cling to mortality, but we don't realize how wonderful immortality will be and we are just a flicker, a breath, in the eternity of time. I think sometimes technology has allowed us to live longer than we might normally have done before it. There is so much to say about medical ethics, etc., but that doesn't alleviate the pain you are suffering in the key decisions faced that only you can face. What I do know is God does hear you and God does see what you are going through. He's not afraid to hear what you have to say, your anger, your pain, your suffering. I pray for peace and mercy for you, your husband, and your household.

    betty

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    1. Thank you so much Betty. Those were just the words I needed to hear this morning...

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  3. Dear Paula, my heart really does weep for you. It is a painful side of caregiving that I have not yet experienced ... and for a person as close to you as a husband ... well I just can't really imagine.

    I am fond of saying that when I get beyond the ability to care for myself ... I want a fatal heart attack. Now I am thinking I want the same for my husband. Too bad we aren't closer geographically. I so wish I could add more support than these simple words can give.

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    1. I never thought I would say that a fatal heart attack sounds like a good thing. Too bad we don't gt to chose. Thank you for your supportive words. They really DO help.

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  4. It does fucking suck and God is listening and does hear you and he will answer you too but his time is not as our time. I am so sorry Richard is having pain. I am even more sorry that he is not yet ready to leave. Perhaps this is a topic you need to revisit with him when/if he has another good day. I know that you are not yet ready to let him go but if he thinks you are then he may be more at peace about leaving you. Just a thought....sent with much love and big hugs. Have a Tom Collins on me.

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    1. I know all that in my head Wendy, but it is my heart that is asking all the questions. I have often wondered if I told him that I am okay and I will be okay if he goes if that would help him. Problem is that I AM NOT okay with it! Thanks for joining me with a Tom Collins!! It really helps to have friends who will cuss with me and drink with me...LOL

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  5. Words seem so inadequate - my thoughts and love are with you

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    1. Thank you Simone. Today words are just what I need

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  6. I know how difficult this is for you, for Richard, your children and grandchildren. Besides your evident exhaustion, what I hear from your words is that you and Richard are not ready to say goodbye. I understand what that feels like.

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    1. You are right lyndagrace. We are NOT ready. But what happens if it happens anyway?

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    2. When my son was ill, people would advise me to stay in the moment. I tried my best to do that, appreciate the time, whatever amount that would be. But it was almost impossible for me not to wonder about that very question, “what happens when it happens?” I don’t know how to answer that question for you. Grief is such a personal emotion. One thing I know is that sometimes I am too tired to “stay strong”. That’s when I lean on the offered shoulders.

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    3. Thank you lyndagrace. Those words mean so much to me. It IS hard to stay in the moment when he is not in the same moment with me.

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  7. My first instinct was, "Fucking Sucks" would make a great book title .... but levity's out of the question right now.
    Since reading this on my way to work, my heart has been hurting for you, Paula. Were there anything we could do to lessen pain! Of course not. Fucking Sucks.
    Praying you both find a measure of peace tonight.
    Hugs,
    Myra


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    1. Maybe that should be the title of the book I am always being told that I should write. Thank you Myra for your kind words

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