How do I escape the burdens of being a caregiver? How do I get away from worrying and caring for two teenage grandchildren who live with us full-time? What do I do to take care of myself?
I am not very good at this. I am a self-admitted, full-time control freak. I know that no one else can take care of Richard as good as I can. And he doesn't want anyone else to take care of him. So for the most part, I am here at his side 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Except for Saturday nights when Justin comes and I go back and sleep in my own bed, instead of on the couch, next to his hospital bed, that is set up in our living room. I go to the grocery store and leave him with one of the kids. I take the other one with me. That puts a stop to all sibling rivalry type problems, if you know what I mean. I take the kids to the places they need to go. On Wednesday evenings, when they go to church, it takes me exactly 14 minutes to drive them to church and race back home where I have left him parked in front of the TV in his recliner. He can't get out of the recliner by himself. If the weather is nice I take him with me.
I dream about getting away by myself. But I don't go. I talk about it. But I don't do it. I am afraid that coming home after being away will just make being here that much harder. I don't think it will rejuvenate me. I think it would depress me.
So what do I do? I spend a lot of time on the computer. Right here, where he can see me. I write on my blog. I read other peoples blog and leave comments and make new friends. (I have found that when something like this happens to you the friends you thought you had aren't really around anymore). I belong to a Facebook group for mothers of addicts. I think I am ready to move on from that group cause I really don't need it anymore. My oldest brother comes by a few times a week and that breaks up our day. We look forward to the visit from the Hospice nurse. She has become our friend.
I read. But not as much as I used to. I just can't get into books anymore. I watch TV. A lot of TV!
And I dream of paradise.