Wednesday, April 2, 2014

One Word Wednesday

My new blogging friend, Lisa, who blogs at My Sweet Peanut, does a weekly challenge on Wednesdays. She gives us a word prompt and we write about it. She is a caregiver, like me, and trying to build a community. So go visit her and try a hand at writing. This week the word is gratitude.

I am struggling. There I said it. I don't know if there is anything at all that I am grateful for. I am exhausted. My back hurts all the time. I am lonely and bored. I am sick of being a caregiver and the mom to teenage kids while I am nearing my 63 birthday. I talk to God every single day and I ask him over and over: "What is the plan here?" I wonder if he is listening to me. He has so many people he has to listen to. Why me? I say that out loud as I type these words.

And then I think. "You should be ashamed of yourself. You have a really nice house with a brand new roof over your head. You have the love of 9 of the best grandchildren in the world. And two of those wonderful kids are lucky to be living with you and helping you. And there you sit sniveling and feeling sorry for yourself." And the conversation in my head goes on..."you are able to eat good food and drink clean water. You have a good car. And your husband is still alive and knows who you are. And he tells you over and over and over how much you mean to him. So quit your crying and belly-aching and start looking for reasons to be grateful."

So I am grateful for getting this out of my head on onto the blog. I promise to do my very best to snap out of this little pity party and look around everyday and find all the things in my life that I am grateful for.

11 comments:

  1. I hear you sister! Today was a doctor's visit and my mom said over and over "you're not going to just leave me somewhere, are you?"...know what I WANTED to answer? Yes, I am leaving you - let them deal with you today when you are in outer space because we have to leave the house! Yes, I am leaving you because I want to go shopping for new dance shoes for my daughter! Yes, I am leaving you because I want to watch tv at a normal volume and not have to answer 4000 questions during my favorite show. Selfish and whiny! That's me! So, since today's word is gratitude - I went there. I decided mom was just asking because it is one of the few things she still finds joy in - someone praising her. If you could've seen and heard her when she got her seatbelt to click - you'd have laughed out loud. She loves being praised - don't we all!? So I know exactly what you are saying. I have so much resentment weaving through my days - but it's like watching the footage of the mud slide in Washington...it puts things in perspective. It doesn't make me not romanticize accidentally forgetting mom at the doctor's office!!! :-) Just remember - You rock!!! (I rock too - by the way!!!)

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    1. THanks for your understanding Lisa. I just sucks doesn't it. I fantasize about taking Richard to a nursing home. But knowing that I would lose my own home (and we just got it totally paid for) keeps me from doing it. Have you tried ear phones for the TV. Either for you or for her. I bought Richard a really nice pair from Radio Shack when he decided that he couldn't hear anymore and the TV was loud enough for our neighbors to hear it. Just kidding! And then when his hearing returned and I am watching my favorite show and that is when he coughs, coughs, and coughs...I wear them and turn them up just loud enough to drown him out. We have to do what we have to do!

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  2. It must be something in the air guys. I am very grateful I am getting a break. I wish I could bring you both with me so we could all commiserate over a glass of wine or an umbrella drink and just Breathe......

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    1. That would be awesome wouldn't it Wendy. Maybe someday! We can dream anyway

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  3. For awhile, I did a daily list of things I was grateful for because I struggle with gratitude, although I really do have it so good, but I do seem to complain more than thank. I need to start that again. I think if we do focus more on what we have in blessings, it does outweigh what we struggle with, but I do agree it is hard not to get into pity parties. Ongoing struggle for me not to be. I'm going to do this prompt one week, probably after the A/Z is over.

    betty

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    1. Great Betty! Maybe I will join you

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  4. Dealing with the bad by being grateful for the good tends to wear thin at times. I know because I do it too. Years ago, I serendipitously ran into some friends who were also vacationing far from home. They were in a Volkswagen van that had suffered breakdown after breakdown along the way. I made the rather silly comment that, well, sometimes you just have to focus on the good and keep the bad in proportion. The woman's response was that it's easier to do that when the bad doesn't happen all over again everyday. As I understand your life, you live with the bad, and you never get a vacation from it other than an occasional distraction. If you didn't suffer from depression, you wouldn't be human. At least, that's how I see it based upon my experience with chronic pain. You can't completely rise above that which never stops pulling you down.

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    1. Thanks Snow! that is exactly how I would have said it if I were a good writer. I do feel that I am constantly being pulled down. Even if I could take a few days off, I would just come back to the very same thing

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  5. I have to give myself pep talks too. I'm not in your situation, but sometimes I get overwhelmed with just everything going on and I tend to pull inward and shut down.

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    1. I pull inward too. Unfortunately I can't shut down. But I hear you Cristy!

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  6. I am far from a caregiver (my wife has MS) but I certainly know I can do more for her and I feel guilty for that so I would think with all that you do, you have the right to be down on your life. The fact that you feel that way and still do all that you do just means you're so much of a better person than you realize. It also show how much love you have for your family.

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I love to hear what you might think. Leave me a comment. I guarantee though that I will delete your comment if you are just here to cause trouble. So tread lightly!