Thursday, April 3, 2014

Caring, Crying and Callousness

Here It is: My A To Z Challenge. An adventure! My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease. We also have two teenage grandchildren who reside with us.
We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!



It has been a couple of years now.
Since this journey of mine began.
I started out with caring.
It wasn't as physical then.
I still care.
Don't get me wrong. 
But the caring has changed.
There are days that it is routine.
Rote.
I could do it in my sleep.
Caring as a noun.
Or caring as a verb.
Caring is caring!
Or so they say.

But there is also crying.
Mine more so than his.
He's always been a crier.
A sentimental one.
He cries for the American Flag.
Or a good deed that's been done.
I cry for me.
And out of frustration.
For what I have to do.
And what I will soon lose.
I cry because I'm tired.
I cry because I'm blue.
I cry in the shower.
Where no one else will hear.
It's nothing like the crying,
that one does in his beer!
(See I can still be funny)
It comes from deep inside me.
It is crying, really a deep sob.
And then when it is over.
I carry on with the job.

Some would say I have become calloused.
The opposite of caring.
It means being insensitive to others.
And I know that it is true.
There are days I feel smothered.
The ones of which I am not proud.
And there are days I'm not so nice.
And days I get loud. 
But all this caring and crying.
And callousness,
Has helped me learn to cope.
It helps to give me hope. 
To carry on.....

31 comments:

  1. Good post! :)
    'care' - a simple word, but a strong emotion, that could change the world! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Paula .. I hear you totally .. you are doing your utmost and that is so important. You'll be living day by day and really thinking of others is beyond you to most of the points - I know I felt like that ...

    My thoughts and I'm sure you hold dear you are doing your absolute best - it looks like, though it is obviously so so hard - enjoy the fun moments and hold those close to your heart as you travel your journey ... Hilary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes thinking of anyone outside of this house is beyond me at this point. It is for this very thing that I have a few 'assholes' in my life

      Delete
  3. You are definitely NOT callous. Callous people never worry about being callous only loving, caring people do. Enjoy a good cry every now and then. You deserve it and it is a great stress reliever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel there are times that I am callous at times. But thank you so much!

      Delete
  4. Is your husband a candidate for DBS surgery? My relation had the procedure and it has improved his quality of life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No at this stage it would not help him. He is 81 years old and at the end of his life!

      Delete
  5. I wouldn't call you callous, in fact when I saw callous as one of the words featured here before I read what you wrote, I was thinking you were talking about the callousness of others, which that I could see. I don't know you very well, but callous is not a verb I would have used to describe you. Caring yes. I always think there is benefits in a good cry and I remind myself God stores all our tears, that's why I'm looking forward to seeing Lake Betty in heaven :)

    betty

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh to think there is a Lake Paula in Heaven. Thank you for that descriptive use of the words. And sadly, I do know there are times that I am callous.

      Delete
  6. I wouldn't call you callous. Being a caregiver is exhausting physically, mentally, and emotionally. Continuning to do it, even through tears, proves that you aren't callous. Just because you can perform the physical acts by rote doesn't mean that there isn't care and love in doing them. I wish you and your husband the very best at this stage in his journey.

    ReplyDelete
  7. All teach us to learn and be calm even in the worst moments. Your post made me reflect more on other's this morning. Thank you!
    Katy Did

    Life's Ride In Between

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are welcome. KT! And thanks for visiting me today

      Delete
  8. I see a lot more caring than callousness in your post! And it made me thankful for all I have.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cherish it! Thanks for stopping by

      Delete
  9. Praying for you and your family. New follower here! I'm stopping by from the "A to Z" and I look forward to visiting again!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Amazing series of posts. You capture some things I was never able to put into words in my own caregiving journey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How are things going over your way Elaine. I have been thinking about you!

      Delete
  11. Interesting about Richard being prone to sentiment, Paula. That's so endearing!
    OK, the 'callousness' you describe is totally understandable. I envision it like a bandage, or scar tissue even, that's allowed to grow over the mind to keep one from totally losing it. Not for a minute do I think Richard doubts your love.
    All the same, that's quite a high-wire act you have to perform each day. (And where any relief exists, I say 'go for it!')

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for understanding. I am callous and I do know that it is a defense mechanism. You got me. It is a high-wire act for sure. Today was NOT a good day. Tonight I pray!

      Delete
  12. Loved the way you made the difference between Caring and Caring make sense. Because sometimes I think caring is easier when I don't care so much and other times I really look for reasons to care so I will be better at caring for mom....YIKES.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dear Paula,
    Thank you for stopping by my blog. I hope that you will come again. I am sorry for the load you have to bear. I understand the caring, crying and callouses. My sister-in-law has suffered from Parkinsons for years. Her sweet husband donates his life to taking care of her. He really has no life of his own except to take care of the house and his wife. I know from watching him, how hard it is for you. I am wishing you the best of luck and sending you hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. God Bless her husband. It is a hard job and one that only someone who does it would understand. Each illness is different. Not one is harder than another. Thanks for the hugs. And give my best to your family with Parkinson's It is an ugly disease

      Delete
  14. I found you in Raising the Curtains comments and am a fellow A to Zer. I am so sorry for your husband's illness and the difficulties you are experiencing. I have nothing to offer but prayers and deepest sympathy. And admiration as you both accept what you must do to Care. If anything, my thought is to give yourself permission to understand what you feel, not what others or guilt or "should" tell you to feel. This is as much your life and your loss as it is his. I will be back to visit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! I have given myself permission to feel. That is what this blog is for. I look forward to your returning visits. I just came from your blog and I like what I saw. The post on Doors was especially thought provoking. I might have to use it someday in a future post....

      Delete
  15. This is raw and real. Thank you. I hope that writing it all down and posting is helping you get through this.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Beautiful words, my friend. Love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Long time....No See! I thought you might have dropped off the face of the earth> LOL

      Delete

I love to hear what you might think. Leave me a comment. I guarantee though that I will delete your comment if you are just here to cause trouble. So tread lightly!