Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Assholes, Angels, and Anger


Here It is: My A To Z Challenge. An adventure! My attempt at telling you my story. I care for my husband who has end-stage Parkinson's disease. We also have two teenage grandchildren who reside with us.
We have good days and we have bad days. Hope you will follow along....A TO Z!



I've met my share of assholes.
On my journey to give him care.
There have also been some angels.
A few of them to share.
Assholes and angels.
They have come and they have gone.
Why is it that the assholes leave
Behind the greater impression.
And the angels just hover in the shadows.
The angels hold my hand.
They hold me up.
They offer support.
The assholes tear it down.

And then comes the anger.
And it leaves me so exhausted.
Who am I mad at, I ask myself?
The world?
God?
Him, my little elf?
The assholes and the angels? 
It is a journey. It will end.
All journeys do.
And the memories will begin. 
I continue on my journey, 
I know there will be assholes.
I know there will be angels.
And I know there will be anger.
More anger than I want.
More anger than I can deal with.
Anger that comes out of no where.
But it is mine.
All mine. 
It takes a lot to care for an old man.
A lot of angels.
And some assholes.
And I will work on the anger.
Work through the anger.
Carry it quietly, bulging in my pockets.
Will it leave me too?

43 comments:

  1. Hi Paula .. I can understand - and that anger ... but it will fade - and you'll be proud of what you've accomplished in looking after your husband ... let that anger rest ... it takes too much out of us ... with many thoughts though .. and I'll enjoy reading these - and I loved the way you set your post out .. Hilary

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    1. I am hoping you are right. I am hoping the anger will fade. It is easy to say to let the anger rest...much much harder to do! Thanks for visiting today

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  2. Wow...I could fee the anger while I read it, it was so heartfelt! But totally understandable. I say keep on writing. It's one activity that can be very therapeutic. I know you and your family succeed over this, just keep strong...(A-to-Z'er here, in case you're wondering who this stranger is)

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    1. It is very therapeutic for me. We will keep strong. We have no choice! Thanks for visiting today.

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  3. Excellent start on the A to Z journey. I will be following, you can be sure.

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  4. Paula, I know what you mean! I find that the assholes and anger are what keep me going! Sad but true!!!
    Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Sometimes that is all that pushes me. The anger. But I hate what it is doing to me. And I am angry about things I cannot change. I have to figure this out!

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  5. Oh that anger does rear up it's ugly head doesn't it. I think it was that undirected anger that I sent you last week in that conversation between my sister and me. Writing helps, venting with others who are going through it helps, talking with the hospice nurses helps.... but that anger is still there lying under the surface because as your Mom always told you....Life is just not fair. Take good care of yourself Paula and thanks for sharing this powerful post.

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    1. LOL! I think a lot about my mom and those very words. She was right in more ways than one

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  6. I am glad that there are angels alongside you in your journey; I am sorry that there could be more of the other kind than angels. It is sad people can't see how hard care giving is and be kinder when dealing with the care giver as well as the one that needs care. I understand your anger, I don't know if I would deal with it quietly. I think I would find a way to deal with it so it doesn't took root into bitterness which seems where my anger tends to go.

    good start to the challenge!

    betty

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    1. I hope it hasn't already left me bitter. That is how I feel so much of the time. I hope to work it out. Anger is horrible

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  7. Your poor pockets! That's a great visual- pockets full of anger. Love your poem. I've been struggling with this 'whichever you feed' concept in my life lately- the bad and good are both there, but the one that get stronger is the one I focus on. I wish I knew how to stop feeding the 'assholes' and start feeding the 'angels'... it seems involuntary.

    Julie @ Julie 2 Jules
    A= Eating on Autopilot

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    1. Thank you Julie. I don't know if it is a REAL poem, but that is what I am going to call it. I know exactly what you mean by feeding the assholes and the anger....hard not to.

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  8. Bless your heart. Loved Angels, Assholes and Anger. Actually wanted to say it out loud! There! I just did! I know too well about the anger and I'm so glad you have lots of angels. As for the assholes - well, they were there before we started caregiving and they will be there after. Stay strong, friend. Can't wait for tomorrow...are there bitches on the menu? I certainly hope so!!!

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    1. You are so right Lisa. The assholes were here before all this started. It just hurts more now to recognize who is an asshole and who isn't. Yes there will be bitches....you'll be surprised to find out who it is. Or maybe you won't

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  9. *hugs you* I feel your pain. If you have time, I've written about my own anger on my other blog here: http://caringforaveteran.wordpress.com/2014/02/06/anger/
    that's where I am working through my feelings as a caregiver. I was alone...or so I thought. It's a daily, sometimes hourly, struggle to remain positive. I hope you can manage through it. <3
    Jamie Dement (LadyJai)
    My A to Z
    Caring for My Veteran

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    1. I am following both of your blogs. Yep the anger is REAL. And so hard to deal with. I have yet to figure out who the heck I am so angry with Thanks for coming by

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  10. So glad you're writing on this topic. I particularly like the stanza on anger. "Who am I mad at"? Who indeed. And the wise, "But it is mine/All mine." Thank you, I need this. Look forward to returning. J

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    1. Thank you Josna. Looking forward to your return.

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  11. Anger bulging in pockets is a powerful image. . . I hope that writing this was as cathartic as it seems.
    Looking forward to the rest of your A to Z posts!

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  12. Paula, I'm part of the choir and am glad you're writing about your situation. I think you're doing a service by educating us about the gifts and burdens of being a caregiver. Thanks and God Bless..

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    1. I don't think it is possible to tell people what it is like. I just share how it is for me!

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  13. Paula. I can definitely relate to the part about assholes leaving more of an impression than angels. Anger is such a powerful emotion. I enjoyed this thought provoking post.

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    1. Why is it that assholes think they even need to be a part of our lives?

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  14. I have been a care-giver and know what you say is true.

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    1. I am sure that you do if you have been a caregiver!

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  15. Hi Paula, I can't begin to tell you I understand or I know what you're going through. However, this gave me a good idea. It was raw and very real. I'm sure the anger will fade in time. Thanks for sharing.

    20/20 Hines Sight

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    1. Thanks for dropping by. I tell it like it is!

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  16. Tho' your subject matter's certainly not 'likeable', I love this just the same!
    Caregiver or not, I believe there are hosts of people who can identify with the assholes and angels in their own lives ... and of course, the resulting anger. I know I can!
    Wonderful share, Paula.

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    1. You are so right Myra....assholes, angels and anger resides in all our lives!

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  17. I also have meet both and your right the assholes leave the biggest impression. I hope it gets better for you.

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  18. Good one, so true, we should let the angels make the bigger impression.
    A.

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  19. There have been many times when the assholes seem to arrive en masse and drag me down even worse than the pain. They're soul-destroying, and some of it is due to the system they have to work under and part of it is because so many of them really and truly don't give a shit about anything but their paychecks.

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    1. I hear that! I hope I was never one of those kinds of nurses. If anything I over-medicated pain issues. I pray for you Mr. Snowbrush. You are a good man!

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  20. You are so right about the assholes leaving stronger impressions. I wish that wasn't the case.

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    1. It is too bad that WE give those assholes so much control over our lives isn't it

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  21. I have no good answer for you. Perhaps we remember the assholes because of the hurt we create. I've found that pain can be a greater force than kindness, and it stays alive in us. (I carry grudges a long time, too.) Unfortunately, sometimes it is family members who qualify for the designation that is not "angel" - and that REALLY hurts. Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com

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    1. I meant "the hurt they create" not "we create". Yikes. Alana

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    2. I am sure you are right about why we remember the Assholes! So good to have you visit!

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