Friday, March 14, 2014

A Visitor At Our House

It is Friday. Time for Five Minutes of writing. I have been thinking about this post for a couple of days. It wasn't planned to be my Five Minute Friday Post. But since our close call again on Sunday night it has been lingering in the front part of my mind. When I clicked over to see what Lisa-Jo had in store for us this week, I found the word....CROWD. And I thought...that is exactly how I feel...crowded.








Go




We have an extra visitor at our house. He has been here for awhile now. I just don't like to talk to him. And that is okay. That is my right. But sometimes we do talk about him. Sometimes I am the only one talking. Once in awhile Richard talks about him. But usually we all try to ignore him. And hope that he just goes away and leaves us alone. He's not part of our crowd.

I feel him watching from the corner of the room. I see him standing there in the shadows. Sometimes I feel the cool breeze as he walks by. And I shiver. I think I hear him chuckle. Go Away, I want to scream. We don't want you here. We are not ready. You are not part of our crowd.

So he goes back to the other side of the wall. But I still feel his eyes watching. He's waiting. He knows that the day will come when I can't ignore him any longer. He knows exactly when he will become part of the crowd.

Our Hospice Nurse very carefully avoids mentioning anything about him when she visits. But I know that she knows he is here. Sometimes I think the grand kids know he's living with us as well. I watch their reactions and I can see that they feel his presence. We didn't ask him to stay with us. He came into our house un-invited. I don't think we can ask him to leave. I don't want to make him mad. I don't want to stir him up. 

I am afraid. The time for his visit to end will never be the 'right time.' I will never be ready to send this visitor out the door. I want him to stay.I just don't want him to crowd me. He needs to stay in the shadows. In the background. Don't speak to me. Don't walk close. 

We'll never be ready for this visitor we call DEATH. We won't welcome him into our crowd.

Stop. 

Join us in writing. Without over-thinking. Straight from your heart. And then go read and give encouragement to all those who join in Five Minute Friday

24 comments:

  1. Hello Paula. Wow. Thank you for this powerful post. This week for me has been a real challenge - a close ex-colleague suddenly called home unexpectedly - we were not ready - and my whole community is grieving and in shock. A good, beloved brother. There have been a few deaths in our network recently - it always feels too many, and rarely at an 'acceptable time'. But as Christians, 'we do not grieve without hope.' I lost my mum suddenly in my 20s, and I wasn't ready for her departure either, even though we too had been living with the shadowy visitor in our home for a few years prior. I've been living with a heavy awareness of that spectre ever since. But just this week, I had a change of perspective, and I hardly know how it happened. Somehow I realised I can't fight this ghost, and it does me no good to be angry with it either. I finally saw the inevitability of death coming as our doorway to hope, to glory - the only doorway for each one of us, in fact. That was a revolutionary shift for me... and now a strange hope is rising, even in the honesty of facing the suffering that the departure brings. I pray you too will know this irresistible hope even while that unwelcome visitor lingers. x Ruth

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    1. Even as a Christian, I don't yet feel the hope in this particular grief. But thank you for visiting today. Your insight is beautiful!

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  2. Very powerful. Very well written. I am happy that you have your writing to help you deal with this difficult time in your life. I pray for you, Richard and the kids daily. I wish there were more I could do to help you through this.

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    1. Thank you Wendy. I have always enjoyed writing. It really does help me sort my thoughts and vent without pain (if you know what I mean). I appreciate the prayers you send up for us each day. I wish you lived closer as well. We would have some fab times, don't you think

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  3. And there is your strength! All the weariness from caring and giving and caregiving is never too much to want it to end. I love your love story and I pray for you and continued strength. And I pray your visitor stays at bay and out of your way.

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    1. It's crazy Lisa. I so want all of this to be over with I am so weary. Yet, when I think it is almost time. When he is really, really sick and it looks like death might be imminent, it is me who is crying and begging him to stay....what the heck is wrong with me

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  4. So powerful Paula...thank you for visiting me at Hope in the Healing so I could find this piece. Blessings to you and I pray strength for you and your family.

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    1. Thank you Nannette (Candace Jo :) )

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  5. Paula,
    Oh...I am praying for you Paula and your husband and family...praying the God of all comfort (2Cor.1:3-4) will hold you especially close so that His Presence and Love will overshadow the other visitor's presence.

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  6. This was powerfully written! I can't imagine how hard it is knowing it will happen, but then not really knowing when it will happen, not wanting it to happen, but knowing that your husband is probably weary, etc. I think even if we "expect" it we never really expect it and there will be that tremendous sadness and raw grief when it does happen.

    betty

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    1. You got it Betty! That is exactly how I feel

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  7. This post made me think. I guess I never thought of death as an actual presence.

    My version of this is a clock with only so much time left on it and I don't know how much time that is. And as I get older I see this as something we all have - and we don't know how long any of us have. And if I think on that too long it makes me sad - not for me but for all the folks I love and who have been a part of this life I am leading.

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    1. If you live with someone who is dying you would know that death is an actual presence. You can feel it! The clock is a good analogy as well.

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  8. {{{{{Paula}}}}} Thanks for stopping by my blog because it has brought me to your blog. Not knowing all of your story, yet I've walked through a journey with my mom and my in-laws with this uninvited guest. So as I hit the publish button, I'm leaving a prayer behind for you!

    Blessings,
    Tammy ~@~

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  9. This is a beautiful post, and I do understand, at least little, because while no one in my home has been pronounced terminal, we're all terminal, and now that Peggy and I are in our sixties, out time together seems all too short.

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    1. Why thank you Snow. Writing is my outlet. You are right We are all terminal. Some just closer than the rest of us. My husband is 81 (18 years older) and has end-stage Parkinson's disease. Our days with him are without a doubt numbered

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  10. Very well stated my friend. I know all to well about the unwelcome visitor. I don't like that he showed up unexpectedly to our family; but knowing that he is lingering there day in and out has got to be hard, frustrating, bitter, sad, and other hard emotions. I am praying for you my friend.

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    1. Thank you Cristy. It is people like you who are holding me up

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  11. Very poignant, thank you for sharing, it touched my heart :) Hugs

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    1. Thanks Linda. I feel our visitor lurking all the time now days

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