Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I think I am losing my Mind

     Things are hard here right now. I think that I am burned out. I hate everything and everyone. I don't know if I can do this another day. It is so hard! Unless you have been in my shoes you have no idea. I don't want to hear anyone say....BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. That is so disrespectful. We all have different things that are going on in our lives besides dying husbands. I have two kids I need to try to be strong for. And I don't want to. I am tired. I just need to lay my head down and not get up again. I can't take the messes, the whining, the wanting everything his way. Their way. What about my way?? I know that I am ranting. I can only do it here. I wouldn't dare do it outside of my head. I have two kids I need to be strong for. I am sick of being strong. I want to cry. I want to scream., I want to curl up in a ball and never move again. I am sick of family members who want to stay away because of petty little things. F**k the petty things. These are the big things in life. These are the things that families should stick together for. Families who lie to your face. I can take the truth. If you have other things to do, just tell me. I can take it. I love honesty. I hate liars. I know that life is going on for everyone else. Life will go on someday for me too! And when life goes on for me, I will remember who was there and who didn't have the time. Who thought I didn't know what was being said behind my back. Who thought they were so smart and so cute. And then tried to slip around with their fake caring attitude just so they could report back to the others. I don't care about any of you. We might have been born with the same DNA but I am not like that. I am different. I CARE!
     Kids who think the other one gets more than they get. Makes me so mad. I know it is probably normal but still pisses me off. Can't any of you see that I gave up my whole 'golden years' to be your mom. It is not my plan. I didn't want your parents to be irresponsible pieces of crap. Wasn't my plan. I didn't want this to happen to Papa. Wasn't my plan. Wasn't his plan. Thank God he has me. Where would he be. He has no family . Well he does, but where the hell are they. Two sister who are older than he is and a brother who hasn't cared for years. I didn't want to do this. I wanted to travel and lay on the beach somewhere and be happy. I didn't plan to be miserable as I take care of my husband as if he is the third child. I hate it. I am tired of pretending. I don't want to pretend anymore. I want to scream and scream and scream.
    But what good would that do? I still have to get up in the morning and change his sopping wet adult diapers and powder his rash on his butt. I still have to change his clothes and help him brush his teeth. I still have to make sure we have food in the house that he likes and can eat. I still have to help him to the BR and wipe and clean his butt. And change the wet pants. And powder the butt. And make sure he is warm in his chair. And comfortable. And can hear the TV. And has a drink close enough that he can reach. And clean it up when he spills it. And wipe the mucous from his mouth as it runs down his chin. Who else is going to do that? And I still have to get kids up and dropped off at their activities. They didn't ask for this either. I need to try to keep some semblance of normalcy in their lives. It isn't their fault they were dealt a bad set of parents. It isn't their fault their granny is busy with their Papa and can't find the time or the desire to just do something with them. They are spoiled and don't even know it. They try to help. And they are good help. But I am resentful and that makes me feel even worse. Why can't I just be thankful? Why can't I give my thanks to God everyday. Why can't I praise the Lord? Because I am pissed off. That's why. I am not thankful and I am mad as hell at God right now. So there, I actually typed it. I might just be struck down today. And I don't know that I would even care.
     I know that this shall pass but today I am going to wallow in it. I need to be mad. I need to feel sad. I need to be pissed off. I need to scream and cry and get all ugly and snotty and hide and not talk to anyone. Because tomorrow I will have to get up and do it all over again. And love him til the end. And care for them until they can stand on their own two feet. Time for myself will come! I can wait.

2 comments:

  1. God is not going to strike you down. He understands your anger and frustration. I know this is an old post but they are not old feelings and they well recur again and again as you go through this journey. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Wendy! Thanks for bringing me back to this post. I can see that I was in a bad way that particular day. I am better now. But like you said, I am sure I will be there again. Thank you for reading and understanding.

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