Wednesday, June 12, 2013

How Can I Be Loved So Much

How can anyone be loved as much as I am loved? This man, whom I care for every day, loves me so much that it pains me at times. He has put me on such a pedestal that I fear that if I fall, I will shatter into a million pieces. It is so hard to be adored the way that he adores me. Why, you ask? Because there are times that I am so tired of all of this. There are times that I silently scream when he want to get up AGAIN to use the commode. And there are times that I actually grumble. How can I get mad when his days on this earth are short. I know  when he is gone I will miss him with every fiber of my being. I will miss his voice. I will even miss that coughing that seems to go on incessantly from morning until night. He doesn't cough in his sleep; then it is peaceful. But that is when I lie awake listening for his breathing. That is when I wonder if he is okay.

Last night was a long and stressful night. At first, I was just mad that he didn't seem to want to sleep. I was sure that he was doing it on purpose because I had so much to do today. He is always so cold. He sleeps under five blankets. Yes, 5 blankets. But he didn't want ANY blankets. And he was sweating. And clammy. And his color was gray. And his focus was how  much his mouth was shaking. Never mind that it has been doing this for over 2 years. He looked scared. I got up and sat with him. Held his hand. Put on the oxygen. Talked to him. Gave him another Ativan. I worry about giving him too much. The Hospice nurse tries to assure me that I won't,  but I fear that I will. Trying to ease his anxiety and his discomfort. Finally he falls into a restless sleep. It is 4 a.m. I am exhausted. I think to myself, 'will this ever end?' And then I think, "I don't want it to end" I want him with me forever. He loves me and I love him. How will I ever be able to go on living without him.

Recently, I jokingly told him that he was crazy! And he looked at me so lovingly and said, "yes, I am! Crazy in love with you." How can this be? How can I be loved this much?

(P.S. today is is better....very tired, but better)

20 comments:

  1. You are very strong, Paula. And you deserve the love. (Even when you feel weak).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! I try to be strong. But sometimes I just am not all that strong! I am weaker than you think!

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. I wish that for you, April! It feels good to be so loved. But at times it is a heavy burden

      Delete
  3. Dear Paula, I too know the bone weariness of nursing a terminal loved one and I know the pressure of being put on a pedestal as well.
    We are only human.
    Those around us need 'a rock' and sometimes it is us.
    Their routine with us keeps them sane or even alive in your husbands case and dependency is the outcome.
    I, myself hate being depended upon to such an extreme but we all have to surrender that in times of emotional hardship ie new babies, sick parents/spouses.
    They adore us because their very lives depend upon us.
    This too shall pass.
    Allow yourself a little frailty.
    That kind of love weighs heavily on the recipient. That i know for a fact.

    Lisa x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He has ALWAYS loved me this way! And it does weigh heavily at times! Thanks for stopping in

      Delete
  4. Paula - I think your post speaks to anyone who has traveled this type of journey with a loved one. This situations often bring out the very best of us and also exposes our weaknesses (all within a 5 minutes time span). Thanks for sharing from your heart.
    Debbie - Deliciously Inspired

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Writing to me helps vent the emotions

      Delete
  5. I love the honesty that you write with Paula. Thanks for being valnurable. I wish to one day find that same love, what a beautiful thing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I will say it over and over again. You are a wonderful person. This post brought me to tears. It's the moments of holding his hand that you will miss the most. Your in that hurry up and wait phase, and that is hard. You will miss it, but it is okay to be frustrated too. I am glad today is better and I hope you get a good nap in.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So glad today was a better day. And they say that the love you get is equal to the love you give. Of course you're loved much!

    xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know about that Allison. I think he loves me way more than I deserve most of the time!

      Delete
  8. "I'm crazy in love with you"
    What a sweet and beautiful moment that you can always cherish Paula.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is why I write these 'wonderful, crazy' moments here Jen. So that I can always come back and remember. Thanks for visiting.

      Delete
  9. I have never walked this road you are taking with your husband. But I have had people ask in the past, how are you managing to do this in caring for my mom. The answer is always ... Is there another choice?

    You are in my thoughts often. And if I ever do walk this same path, you will know exactly what to say to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know if I will know exactly what to say to you, but I will certainly be here to listen to you if I am able. I never took care of my mom, as we placed her into a nursing home, but I imagine it is very painful

      Delete
  10. Prayers are with you. I don't have to take care of my husband like you do. People has asked me in the past, how are managing to do this in caring for my Dad. Like @Retired Knitter said "Is there another choice"? Not for me

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am thinking of you too as you go through this with your dad!

      Delete

I love to hear what you might think. Leave me a comment. I guarantee though that I will delete your comment if you are just here to cause trouble. So tread lightly!