Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Sadness and Depression

     Today I have felt sad. And depressed. It is not going to get better. I am not going to go back to work. We will learn to live on just his salary and it will not be easy. I have been going through the office and his desk. Things are kind of a mess. I think he has probably been struggling with this for longer than I knew. I think he had some dementia that I just didn't want to admit. Trying to find the important papers has been fun. And finding out what he has not paid has not been fun. I will work to get it all straightened out again. We have moved my desk and computer into the living room so that I can be near him ALL the time. He doesn't like it if I am out of the room for long. I have turned off the land line. To save money. I am doing the grocery shopping and I look for the cheapest and the sale items. We never did this before. He bought what he wanted. I now use a list. I have to watch carefully if we are going to make it. I will not qualify for my social security for another 18 months.
     He cannot help me with much of anything. He cannot remember. He knows that he gets a pension check, but not when it comes. He knows that he gets social security, but not how much. He doesn't have any of the answers to the questions I ask about his Medicare.
     He cannot remember what kind of oil we use in the car. He cannot tell me where to find the titles to the cars. I continue to look. And I will figure it all out.
     He smiles a lot more than he used to. He jokes with the kids. He laughs. He is funny. He is fun to be around. Much like having another child in the house. Now I feel like a single mom with three kids. It is like my husband left me and now I am alone. With half the money we used to have. And I am now responsible for a big house with a big yard.
     My oldest brother comes often. And he always brings something. A walker, a gel pad for the chair, a blender, food. He has been my rock. And this week we found out that he has plaque in his carotid and his retinal arteries. He needs surgery. He wants to wait until December 1 so that his Medicare will kick in. WILL THIS NIGHTMARE EVER END?
     I have a good family. They are here for me. I do not hear from my sister. She is still upset. Another long story that I don't feel like going into here. I needed her and she didn't come. It really hurts. But she is still my sister. I will go on. And so will she. But my brothers have been awesome. And my sons. And my 'adopted' daughter. And my cousins. And many many good friends. They have been here for me.

     We also have a new church family that have been very, very good to us. When the kids came to stay with us Marvin and Heather took them to their church. First Church of the Nazarene. The kids have thrived and grown in that church. They were baptized there in August. We had begun to attend on a semi-regular basis. And people who were almost like strangers to Richard and me have been there for us. They have prayed for and with us. And it is awesome. They have provided financial help. They have provided rides for the kids to and from their activities. They have called on us. Richard's first outing after coming home from the hospital was to church. And he loves to go. It is good for both of us. It is God's will!
     I feel better now. I think it helps to write things down. And it will give me a place to look back. And see how far we have come. And see how silly I was to be sad and depressed.
This was taken on his 78th birthday in January 2011

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