Monday, October 13, 2008

In Memory of My Baby Girl



Today, October 14, 34 years ago I gave birth to my little angel Elaine. She was stillborn after 9 months and 3 weeks of pregnancy. She was the second child born to my ex-husband and me. Our first, a son, Danny was 3 years old and really looking forward to a new baby brother or sister at our house. I wasn't happy at the thought of being pregnant, you see, because the father and I had a terrible relationship and had planned on divorcing when I found out that I was expecting. But for the sake of the new baby we stayed together. Somewhere along the way I started to feel as if this baby would never come home with us. I do not know why I felt this way; my "dear" ex used to say that I said that just to be mean to him. But deep in my heart I felt that God was preparing me for that fact. I went to the hospital late on the eveining of October 13 with contractions about 5 minutes apart. At the hospital, during my check-in examination the nurse could not find the baby's heartbeat. After a period of time a test was preformed and I was informed that the baby had died. I now needed to deliver her. At that time I could not understand why they did not whisk me away to an operating room and do a C-section. In the early morning hours of October 14 my precious little girl was born. That many years ago at this hospital they did not deal with a stillbirth the way they do now. The baby was whisked away to the morgue and I was taken away to a room far down the hall.....but I could still hear the babies crying as they were carried to their mothers. I was numb. I could not grieve. I needed to see this little girl that I would never take home. After one day of recovery I checked myself out of the hospital (against my doctors medical advice) and took myself to the funeral home where my little darling was being kept. She lay so perfectly formed in a beautiful little white casket dressed in the beautiful Christening gown that my mother had gotten for her. Her skin color was very dark and she had very dark, curly hair. She looked very peacful. Now 34 years later I have come to terms with the loss and know that waiting for me in Heaven is a perfect little Angel.....Birthday Blessings to you Elaine.

9 comments:

  1. My heart goes out to you. I couldn't even begin to imagine losing a child. I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  2. I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you went through.

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  3. So very, very sad. So sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful child. x

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  4. Wow. I'm sorry for your loss. It's not one I know personally but my heart goes out to you still. I cans till see through your writing that your baby girl is still very, very close to you. But I have no doubt that she is in Heaven, hanging out with Jesus. :) Thanks for sharing your story.

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  5. Oh Paula, I didn't know this until following the link from today's post. I am so sorry you had to go through this, but glad you can look forward to the day you will see her again.

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