Tuesday, September 16, 2014

When My Husband Left Me with Three Kids!

Time for another One Word Wednesday! Lisa at My Sweet Peanut hosts this awesome little writing challenge. Today she said that we had now done 25 weeks of these. WOW...time flies. This week the word is one that speaks to my past care-giving days:


After Richard's stroke in September 2011 (in fact it was three years ago today) I can remember feeling like I had lost my husband. I felt he had left me alone with three kids. Two were the grand-kids and the third was the one he had become. And, since I had to quit my job to take care of him, I also felt like I had lost half the income. Well, in fact I did lose half the income. I became the caretaker of the family. The caretaker of the home. The caretaker of the finances. The caretaker of everything. 

I have worked with older adults for many years. I have seen how childlike they become. But when it was my own husband acting like that....it gave me pause. He had to have his way. And we let him. He was in charge of the TV remote and if someone would say something he would have a tantrum. It got to where he messed the TV up every time he had the remote so I managed the TV for him. It was funny at times. And at times, not so much. He totally became one of the kids. He would argue with them. Spar with them for my attention. Be upset and whiny when he didn't get what he thought he should have. Most of the time I could laugh about it. The kids accepted that part of him much better than I did.

One day, I had gone to the grocery store. I took Darian and left Harley home with Papa. That is usually how it worked. One would go with me and one would stay with him. This particular day I had finished my shopping and was in the check-out line when I received a call from Harley.

Harley: Grandma, Papa won't let go of my ponytail.

Grandma: What? Why?

Harley: I wouldn't give him the TV remote. Just like you told me. He started talking to me really low and I couldn't hear him so I leaned forward towards him and he grabbed my ponytail and won't let go.

Grandma: Oh for God's sake. I can't even go to the store. I'll be home soon. Give him the remote. (and I hung up on her)

In about 15 minutes I walked into the house and looked into the living room. And there was Harley, head in Papa's lap, and his fingers were firmly entwined in her ponytail. And he wasn't going to let go. I had to pry those fingers loose. And he was mad. And it wasn't his fault. He didn't do anything wrong. It was all her fault. See what I mean?


List It Tuesday

Well here we already are. Working on the last half of September. Can you believe it? It will be Christmas before we know it....eek!
I don't really have a post planned for today. But I have a lot of things running around up there in my head. So I'm just going to make it all into a list. And I'm going to call it:
Things I'm Pondering Today
1.How on earth do three people generate so much laundy?
2.What does ISIS stand for? And why Does President Obama call it ISIL? I'll check that out pretty soon and get back to you. It's on the news all the time and I don't really know what they are talking about, except they are some real BAD bastards that are beheading people.(Update* I googled it...Islamic State Iraq and Syria...President Obama does not want to say 'Syria' so he uses ISIl...Islamic State Irag Levant..check it out here if you want)
3.Would it really be so awful if I just pick one day a week and do nothing but sit in my chair (or lie on the couch) and read? I think I'll call it 'reading therapy'. But I'll only read books I like. If it doesn't catch me from the first chapter, then I am going to stop reading and delete it from my Nook. Most of them are freebies anyway.
4.Will I ever get off my butt and into Darian's room and start painting...
5.I am looking forward to the return of The Good Wife...one of my favorite TV shows.
6.Which computer browser do you use? Internet Explorer, Google Chrome, Firefox...something else? I am hating google Chrome right now. I switched back to Internet Explorer and it didn't take me long to remember why I didn't like it. So share with me what you all prefer.
7.I have two Google sites, two Pinterest sites, two Facebook sites and a Twitter account. I don't Tweet much. Do you tweet? I am in the process of changing all my Pinterest to one account. Bear with me if you are following and your site is blowing up with all my pins. And I am then going to delete that other Google account and the other Facebook account. Part of cleaning up my life, you might say.
8.Will we soon have a woman president? I am pondering the next election. Wondering who in the heck is the Republican party going to come up with to run.
9.Why on earth are there so many more wildfires in California than there used to be? My gosh, I think I would move out of those hills if they keep buring up like that...it's horrible. And then all the rain and the flooding that is going on in the desert. Do you think God is talking to all of us? Fire and water....
10.I haven't yet decided about the October 31 Days Challenge...have you?

Monday, September 15, 2014

My Simple Woman's DayBook-September 15th Edition

I am going to apologize in advance for how dreary and down my daybook entry may feel today. But it is what it is. Today is my estranged oldest son's 43rd birthday. Although I don't long for a reconciliation (too much to explain today) I do love him and miss him. So Happy Birthday to my son! It is also 8 weeks ago this afternoon that Richard died. And it is not getting easier. If anything I think each day that I wake up and he is not here it is harder. In the beginning I felt like it wasn't real. And now that the reality is settling in, I just can't stand it. Too much. I want to wallow in it. I want to talk to him. I want the world to stop. But it can't...so here we go with My Simple Woman's Daybook Entry. Please go visit The Simple Woman's Blog and link up your entry.
FOR TODAY...September 15, 2014

Outside my window...It is cloudy and dreary. But the temperature is still around 75. So nice. But you can tell that summer is nearly over.

I am thinking...I am thinking that grieving for one's husband is harder than anything we will ever have to do. Ever!

I am thankful...I have probably said this before but I am thankful the years we had him and for all the good memories.

In the kitchen...Right now I hate the kitchen. I was the same way when our oldest son left home. Without the full family here I just can't see any reason to cook. Or eat together at the table. I hope this passes...my grandchildren deserve better.

I am wearing...What I always wear. Black yoga shorts and a royal blue tee shirt. No shoes.

I am creating...Nothing! I haven't the energy or the desire right now.

I am going...to wallow in my grief until I don't want to anymore. I might lose readers and at this point I don't care. I want to write about what this is like. I can't talk about it with others. So it will be right here on these pages. That is your fair warning.

I am wondering...why people offer the platitudes they offer to someone who is grieving. "It will get easier", "He's with God now", "He's no longer suffering." I don't want to hear any of it. It's not getting easier. I am not positive there really is a God. And I'd take him back even with his suffering. Does that make me terrible?

I am reading...James Patterson Crossfire. Probably I'll be reading it for awhile. I just can't get lost in a book at the moment.

I am hoping...that I am not going to feel so sad for the rest of my life. Egads, I might live 20 more years. And who will want to put up with me like this??

I am looking forward to...another time!

I am learning...that no matter what anyone tells you, this is harder than you will ever know. Losing a husband is harder than losing a child, a mother, a father, a grandparent. I have lost all of those and THIS is harder.

Around the house...Thankfully I have Darian and Harley. And they are great at dusting, vacuuming, mowing and even feeding themselves. But I need to get off my butt today and do some laundry.

I am pondering...What really (I mean really) happens to you after you die. We won't know, will we, until it happens to us. I hope there is a place we go where we can meet our loved ones again. But we just don't know......

A favorite quote for today...

One of my favorite things...Looking at Richard's picture and remembering him as I miss him so much.

A few plans for the rest of the week:more of the same..take kids to activities, fix meals, do laundry, mourn

A peek into my day...

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Frustrating Days

There are so many things that frustrate me. Today I could name a half dozen or so. It was just one of those days. I don't want to be a widow. I don't want to be a single mother. (Whether it is grand-mother or what) I don't want to do it without a partner. I am sick of all of this. Who do I talk to? Who listens? Who do I bounce ideas off? 

My computer is acting crazy. I don't know why. Richard was never very good with computers. Even though all his work during his career years was done on a computer, he didn't know much about them. Only how to design a part and call the IT department if he had a problem. Everything I know about computers I have taught myself. And Richard listened to a lot of bitching and complaining during those times. And his IT guy, from his old job, was available when I couldn't figure it out. And it was good for both when he and Richard got to re-hash 'the good old days.' But he has retired and moved away. And I am stuck with trying to figure all this out. And it pisses me off. Google has been acting like a spoiled 3 year old today. So I took a break from the computer and went out to mow the grass.

Guess what? The lawn tractor stopped running today. I couldn't even steer it back to the garage. It wouldn't budge. I called my friend's husband (which I hate, hate, hate asking for help) and he came over. Verdict? Broken axel and steering mechanism. Not good! Probably need a new mower. Not good. Anyway the kids came home from school and finished the yard with the push mower and hopefully we won't have to mow again this season.

Back to my computer and I'm still having problems. Ran the virus protector. No virus. Clean out the history and all that stuff. And still Google Chrome is being a butt. 

So I'm going to bed! Cry myself to sleep. Feel sorry for me and tomorrow another day.

And have I mentioned how much I hate all this????

Thursday, September 11, 2014

I wasn't Ready

Tonight I went over to Kate's blog to see what word was going to challenge me this week for my Five Minute Friday writing challenge. When I arrived what I found was Kate talking about the 31 Day Challenge that is hosted every October by The Nester. (You can click here if you are interested in checking out The Nester's 31 Day Challenge from last year.)She hasn't yet posted the details for this year. I wrote for this challenge last year. My topic was Practicing Patience. If you are interested in reading all my posts you can go here. Now Kate is offering a twist to the challenge. It is going to be like a challenge within a challenge. She wants us to write a post everyday in October in just five minutes. And she has a list of prompts that we can follow.It's like having 31 Five Minute Friday writing challenge. I think I can do that! What about you?

Now for today's challenge for Five Minute Friday. The prompt is:


I wasn't ready. But it wasn't up to me. The time had come. His days were getting shorter. We were struggling with keeping him comfortable. It was getting harder for him to breathe. His color faded.  As white as a sheet, as they say.  And was very pale. The oxygen tubing snaked from the tank to his nose and carried with it the very life he needed. His chest rose and fell. But the breathing was shallow. Sometimes I had to get right down close to see if he was still alive. I knew that it would be a matter of hours. Maybe minutes. But I wasn't ready.

I know that it is selfish to want to keep him the way he was. But that is what I wanted. I would even take him back today; just the way he was.  So I could sit at his bedside and hold his hand. And tell him I loved him. Just so I could smell his smell. And wait for him to wake up. And watch that small little smile form on his lips when he saw me. Yes, that is crazy. And that is selfish.

But, I wasn't ready.

We Shall Never Forget

Wednesday, September 10, 2014