Monday, July 28, 2014

Life Goes On

I still have to get up every morning. I still have to cook and clean the house. Even when my heart is ripped to pieces. Life goes on. The grass still grows (and needs mowed), the sun still shines. People still smile and laugh. Life goes on. We still have to eat and drink and we still have to live. I have two kids to raise to 'full-term'. I always thought that was a funny term indicating the end of pregnancy. Full-term is when they are out of the house and standing on their own two feet. In my mind anyway.

The clothes still need washed and folded. I have held his close and tried to inhale his very essence. It's slipping away. His smell is dwindling. I open his aftershave bottle and sniff. I put a drop on my pillow at night. I know I have to go on living. But there are moments, I will admit, when I don't want to. I want to join him. I miss him so much. I knew that it would be hard. But NOT this hard. No way can one prepare. I just will keep moving forward: one day at a time. One step in front of the other. And cry. Until I am dry. And then tomorrow I will cry again. 

Memorial Service is ready to go. It will be this coming Saturday at 4 p.m. It will be a really special service. We have friends speaking and grandchildren participating. The Boy Scouts are involved and the Army is coming! There will be an awesome music/picture video that I hope to share here later on. He was a special man. He will be missed.

But, life goes on............

Friday, July 25, 2014

Misery

I wonder how long it will take for this gut-wrenching pain to go away. I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on and then handed back to me in tiny little pieces and I am supposed to do something with it. I knew I would be sad. I expected to mourn but this is so much more than what I expected. I have cried until there are no more tears. I am destroyed.

 No one can possibly know what this is like until they have lost someone. The person who held my heart in his hands. My soul-mate, my life mate,and my best friend. He was my partner, my buddy, my lover. I looked up to him. I leaned on him. I needed him more than I ever needed my mother or my father. More than ever I needed a brother or a sister. More than a son or a grandchild. He knew me...inside and out. I look for him. I smell him. I hear him. He is everywhere, yet he is gone. And I hate it! I don't understand it. And yet he is at peace. 

BUT I AM NOT!

Every day is hard. Each new milestone is ripping me apart. The house is empty. The hospital bed is gone. His wheelchair and walkers are gone. The lotions and potions and medications: all gone. And he is gone. And he will never, ever come back.

Not that I wish that for him. That would make me selfish, wouldn't it? But I would give a million dollars to look over the top of this screen and see his face, lying on that bed, smiling back at me.

I am waiting. Waiting for the services to be over. Waiting for the pain to ease. Waiting for,whatever my new life will be,to begin. But right now I am grieving. In a way that I never expected.

 This is the hardest part of the journey that we were on together for the past 40+ years. Back to when I first met him. When I really didn't like him much. Back when he was married to someone else, and so was I. Back to when he was my boss and I was an employee. Back when the sun used to shine. Back when there was hope and a future. One that neither of us knew would bring us to where we ended our life together on Monday, July 21, 2014 at 5:10 p.m.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Heaven Got Another Angel


My beloved husband passed yesterday evening at 5:10 p.m.
It was peaceful.
I miss him so much!

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Life Continues

Since I know that you, my friends, are wondering how things are going here I thought I would drop in for a short up-date. Not much has changed. Richard has pretty much stayed "out" all day. He has opened his eyes twice, maybe. No talking. No trying to communicate with us at all. Taking fluids only in drops with a syringe and his anxiety meds crushed in a smidgen of applesauce. If he is awake, he is coughing!! And that increases all of our anxiety. So we are giving breathing treatments, cough syrup, and anxiety medications, along with the Atropine drops to dry up all the mucous. Time is marching on as his time with us is dwindling. Not much more to say....thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers 

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Monday, July 14, 2014

Monday Update

An update on our journey:

We had a short burst of energy on Saturday morning. Richard was up for a bit, ate breakfast, and back to bed. Then very quiet and slept most of the rest of the day.

Sunday brought another quiet day. We pulled out all his 35 mm slides, taken from the time he and I first got together, until around the time Danny was 16 and Justin was 12. This is when he bought a new camera and the slideshows came to an end. Lots of vacation pictures and a few good laughs (especially about hairdos and clothing styles). I sorted through the ones I wanted to convert to digital and sent the rest over to Trina's (Justin's lady) for her pleasure. She is new to photography and I know will get a kick out of his whole 'slide' world. He sat up briefly in his wheelchair, but it was apparent he couldn't handle it so we put him back to bed and back on his oxygen.

Since then he has mostly slept. Awakens briefly. Stares ahead. At brief moments I know he knows we are near. Takes sips of fluid. Pain Medication is delivered when he shows signs of needing it. And mostly sleep. Our 'adopted' grandchildren visited last night and it was pretty hard on Piper and Willow, ages 12 and 10, as they haven't been around as much to see him grow steadily weaker. They said their good-byes and we shared a good, long cry. They plan another visit this week.

Now we go on with living....and watching! All prayers and thoughts have been appreciated. I am doing well. I am at peace! I am ready. (I think).